posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 6:20 p.m. (0) comments
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006.
wow.. i can't believe that it's already near the end of october... it kinda feels like i've been living in a hole recently =) oh the joys of being in 4A accounting... who knew that it would be so hard =P but anyways, must move onwards and keep persevering..
a few days ago, i came to the sudden realization that i've been feeling pretty sad recently... i didn't even really realize why until i talked about it w/ alexis...
a few times this past week, i've felt like i almost wanted to cry... and for one who rarely feels the need to cry, this is wierd... at first, i just thought that maybe i was feeling so exhausted with the strains of accounting and all the group projects... but that didn't really make sense to me b/c even tho school is tough now, that is not enough to make me want to cry... i don't care enough about school to have that feeling...
but as i actually started to think about why i have been feeling the need to cry... different things popped into my head....
i think it's been pretty hard for me this term to accept the fact that God wants me to significantly cut down on ministries and focus on Him while i'm trucking through school... and one of the biggest lessons i'm trying to learn is finding different ways to keep my faith alive and exhuberant b/c God's majesty & Christ's love and sacrifice for me is just that incredibly amazing... the twist is that this is done without the strong support of a community of brothers and sisters that i've had the blessing of having in loo since 1A... and also this has to be done without serving God in fellowship and people ministries... dun get me wrong, we are all stilled called to serve God in every aspect of our life... but i guess when God calls you to step down from certain thigns in order to test whether you can still maintain that level of close, obedient, and worshipful relationship, He really wants to remind us what is the foundation for our faith and belief in Him...
so yeah... i guess i was having trouble this term with accepting the fact that I cannot really be as actively involved in ccf and the people there... it hard to really cut down on investing more in people's lives..and really getting to know them for who they are, help them if possible at all in whatever they're going thru or in jsut becomign a more strong godly individual... it does sadden me that i dun have much time to intiate these relationshisp much... it saddens me that i have to keep cancelling on lunch/dinner/coffee meetings with people that i care very much about... it's been hard to go to ccf and not be able to start really deep fruitful friendships with the people there.... in short, to be held back from a lot of the passions i've developped over the years...
but at the same time, these are God-given passions..and even if i dun understand exactly why i have to let go of so much... i still have to trust Him... i have to keep yearning to be pruned over and over again... in the end, it really is not about me at all... it is He who gets the full glory and honour and praise... i wanna take more time out of my days to stop thinking about me and what i'm going thru and just focus my whole mind, body, spirit on my heavenly Father... to just let the worries, stress, and sadness fall to the ground and be renewed in Christ Jesus... to live fully for the joy of the Lord is our strength... to continually rejoice.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 11:11 p.m. (0) comments
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
lol it's almost as if every time i blog, i have nothing but really negative things to say... so let's change that today =)
just a quick update first: today's my last interview which marks the 7th one i've had this round and rankings come out tomorrow and i will be 100% sure working in Toronto...
it's been such an amazing journey of faith and trust folks =P there are so many thoughts right now stuck in my head but God is instilling in me a sense of determination to keep fighting onwards... i will NOT let stress get the better of me... today, i was reminded clearly of the importance of Christians being a light on the campus... no matter what trials and temptations may come my way, there are those watching you and observing your every step... it is these people, the lost who need to see Christ in me... i really pray that they can see that my God is way more powerful and so much bigger than any academic or school stresses that come my way... and that b/c of my faith and trust in Him, i am able to live life to the fullest without any worrying or fretting about what tomorrow may bring... heck, even what an hour from now might bring...
i want to be able to be transparent to the community around me.... i know that i must rely on God and submit to Him daily in order that my life will be relfective of Christ in me... i need to start living again.... =) i must not let anythign else consume me other than God...
God i praise you in the storm
You are the potter and I am the clay
You work for the good of those who love you
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Worthy is your name
Your strength is not my own
I will put my rest in You
I will be still and know that You are God
You are my all in all
You give me new life
This song just popped into my head... old school..simple heartfelt truths..
I Will Enter His Gates:
I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter his courts with praise
I will say this is the day That the lord has made
I will rejoice for he has made me glad
Chorus:
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for he has made me glad, glad, glad
He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for he has made me glad
- Amen.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 12:21 p.m. (0) comments
Friday, October 06, 2006
I'm HOMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
it's Thanksgiving weekend and i'm so very thankful to be home =) hehehe... it's been a long and excruciating week... today was the finale to this week... it started at 7:25 a.m. this morning when i woke up and had 4 interviews back to back... i got home around 12:30... cooked and ate... and then tried to keep my mind fresh for a few hours until my midterm tonight... i am convinced that my prof is mean... who schedules a midterm on the friday nite of a long weekend?!!??! that's just cruel... traffic was brutal coming back to toronto... by the time i got home, i wolfed down some yummy chinese food leftovers from my family's mid-autumn festival dinner... and here i am now... i have been instructed to rest up and rest i will do =) i'm going to leave the take-home midterm, group project, and assignment until later on in my weekend to do... now is just time to relaxxxxx!
since i've been so busy these past few weeks, i've had to cut back a lot... i know that it may seem to many of you that i'm quite the anti-social one this term... or that i'm always just way too busy to hang out or talk to you or serve... while i do miss talking in depth with people this term, it's alrite. sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do... and what i need to do is focus my eyes on the Lord and pray and ask Him to increase my faith and trust in Him... to be continually renewed in JC... in order to do this, i've had to make the choice to start spending less time in the "people ministry" and to focus on living each day at a time with God at the centre of it. sometimes even at ccf or kwcac my mind can be completely mentally tired and needing rest and renewal in the Lord yet my heart is torn when God places all these people before me and allows me to see some of their needs... it's been tough folks, but many times at the state i'm in, i have to learn to say no... only then will my soul be focused on my Father... only then can i be still and know that He is God... i can only handle so much through Christ who strengthens me... :)
thank you for your prayers, encouragement, support, check-ups.. i'm thankful for you all