wow.. i can't believe that it's already near the end of october... it kinda feels like i've been living in a hole recently =) oh the joys of being in 4A accounting... who knew that it would be so hard =P but anyways, must move onwards and keep persevering..
a few days ago, i came to the sudden realization that i've been feeling pretty sad recently... i didn't even really realize why until i talked about it w/ alexis...
a few times this past week, i've felt like i almost wanted to cry... and for one who rarely feels the need to cry, this is wierd... at first, i just thought that maybe i was feeling so exhausted with the strains of accounting and all the group projects... but that didn't really make sense to me b/c even tho school is tough now, that is not enough to make me want to cry... i don't care enough about school to have that feeling...
but as i actually started to think about why i have been feeling the need to cry... different things popped into my head....
i think it's been pretty hard for me this term to accept the fact that God wants me to significantly cut down on ministries and focus on Him while i'm trucking through school... and one of the biggest lessons i'm trying to learn is finding different ways to keep my faith alive and exhuberant b/c God's majesty & Christ's love and sacrifice for me is just that incredibly amazing... the twist is that this is done without the strong support of a community of brothers and sisters that i've had the blessing of having in loo since 1A... and also this has to be done without serving God in fellowship and people ministries... dun get me wrong, we are all stilled called to serve God in every aspect of our life... but i guess when God calls you to step down from certain thigns in order to test whether you can still maintain that level of close, obedient, and worshipful relationship, He really wants to remind us what is the foundation for our faith and belief in Him...
so yeah... i guess i was having trouble this term with accepting the fact that I cannot really be as actively involved in ccf and the people there... it hard to really cut down on investing more in people's lives..and really getting to know them for who they are, help them if possible at all in whatever they're going thru or in jsut becomign a more strong godly individual... it does sadden me that i dun have much time to intiate these relationshisp much... it saddens me that i have to keep cancelling on lunch/dinner/coffee meetings with people that i care very much about... it's been hard to go to ccf and not be able to start really deep fruitful friendships with the people there.... in short, to be held back from a lot of the passions i've developped over the years...
but at the same time, these are God-given passions..and even if i dun understand exactly why i have to let go of so much... i still have to trust Him... i have to keep yearning to be pruned over and over again... in the end, it really is not about me at all... it is He who gets the full glory and honour and praise... i wanna take more time out of my days to stop thinking about me and what i'm going thru and just focus my whole mind, body, spirit on my heavenly Father... to just let the worries, stress, and sadness fall to the ground and be renewed in Christ Jesus... to live fully for the joy of the Lord is our strength... to continually rejoice.