Excerpts from "The Joy of Fearing God" -- by Jerry Bridges
Job 1:21 -- "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
"As I prayed over that verse, I was able to trust in the sovereignty of God, to believe He was in control of my future, and to submit myself to whatever He was doing. To use the words of 1Peter 5:7, I humbled myself under His mighty hand and trusted Him for the outcome. This is what is meant for me to fear the Lord in that situation. THe joy of fearing Him did not come immediately, but it certainly did in His good time."
hmmm... that excerpt was found at the end of the first chapter... it coherently describes part of what i've been going thru over the past few weeks...
over the past month, God has been putting various trials into my life to try to build up more trust, faith, and hope in Him... since school started, in just a few short weeks, i've been wrestling to connect what i know in my heart with the thoughts that are produced from my mind... as each day passes, the spiritual warfare becomes increasingly intense and i am forced to surrender my mind and fully submit and turn to God...
here's smthg from the online journals "my utmost for his highest"
"You cannot think through spiritual confusion to make things clear; to make things clear, you must obey. In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will only think yourself into further wandering thoughts and more confusion. If there is something in your life upon which God has put His pressure, then obey Him in that matter. Bring all your "arguments and . . . every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" regarding the matter, and everything will become as clear as daylight to you"
hmmm... wandering thoughts? that definitely sounds like me =P hehe... confusion? checkmark... obedience????
i know that God will not give me things beyond what He think i can handle... but at the back of my mind, the devil's lies seep in, calling out to me "are you sure you can handle this? it seems way too much for you to handle right now... look how poorly you are dealing with things... look how mentally exhausted you are... you are no where even close to where you should be in terms of balancing all the ministries God has called you to... you barely even have time for yourself and for God.."
once these thoughts start to ensue my mind, i know i've got to battle fiercely [Ephesians 6:10-20] and put on the full armour of God so that i can take a stand against the devil's schemes... and continue fighting by repeating Scripture outloud and in my head and in my prayers, praying boldly and unceasingly, immersing myself in the truth through readings and through conversations with friends, and wrapping my whole body with faith that will extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one... i fully trust that God is in control and that He reigns over all.
so back and forth i go, with battling the lies and fighting with strength that comes from God alone. the fight is tiresome, but i will not let the devil gain a foothold on my life. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. --> I am more than a conquerer through Him to loved me.
if God is for us, who can be against us? --> anybody/thing who tries to take us down will ultimately fail.... even if we're tired and weary, He will give us rest. We will NOT lose heart.
there is peace and hope in knowing that ultimately God has already won the final battle.
Psalm 103
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
- Amen.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 1:43 p.m. (0) comments
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Currently: having an "i miss home" day...
days go by so fast when i'm in waterloo... but then in a heartbeat, my mind can be solely focused on home... i worry too much... there are just some things i can't control... these are precisely the things that scare me most... the feeling that i can no longer protect * anymore... the feeling that * is possibly getting themselves into a big big hole... the feeling that ppl will take advantage of a person's naivety... ugh... i'm over-reacting... this is exactly why i find it so hard to leave and be away and not know what's goin on... why are there not other ppl looking out for *? argh... i'm such a parent... a thousand things can cross my mind pertaining to that situation...
gotta let go... and let God do His work.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 6:41 p.m. (0) comments
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Take my Life - Chris Tomlin
Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.
::Chorus::
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.
Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.
----
cry out to Jesus eh? most definitely.
patience, strength, surrender, fight, persevere, hope, trust, PRAY, rest
main lesson: surrender control of everything over to the Lord.
it's been a rough few days... weeks even... but more so the past few days... there's been lots of stress... trying to combat it with prayer, meditation, reflection, calming, sabbath... and ultimately, obedience through faith and trust... i've been getting that "head feels heavy" feeling recently... literally and non-literally... literally, well my head actually feels a lot heavier when i'm standing upright... and non-literally, well even if i'm not thinking about anything in particular, my mind seems stuffed to capacity...
this "head feels heavy" feeling is not purely arising due to stress and worrying... altho i admit, i have my fair share of that on and off these days... rather, i feel as if i'm just living through life, doing what i have to do, and it's been mentally straining... but i've come to believe that the path of life we walk was never meant to be easy... part of life includes being pushed beyond our limits to learn to trust and rely on God every new day for things that we did not entrust to him for each of our "yesterdays"... i just gotta keep fighting the spiritual battles that seep into my mind and recognize, declare, and surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit living within me... no matter how tired or strained my mind is, gotta keep running the race... i think it is possible to run the race with a bit of mental fatigue... i think that back in the days of the Apostles and Paul, they must have had their days of mental fatigue as well, yet they kept running ever so swiftly... never letting their eyes stray from that which the Lord has called them to do...
the quesiton is... how do you define the line between 1) running the race under some mental difficulties [aka adversities] while striving onwards and 2) being overly mentally tired and weary from taking things into your own control? does that make sense? or am i looking from things w/ a really messed up perspective?
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 12:27 a.m. (0) comments
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Time to be renewed through JC =)
it's been an interesting past few days back in waterloo... it seems like life has suddenly jolted and now i find myself down a very different path of life... still heading in the same direction but God's pushing me to take me out of my comfort zone again and surrender another part of me to Him again :)
it really does feel like my life in waterloo is like a whirlwind... i know that God is testing me now and He is "enlarging my territory" (prayer of jabez)... i feel like He's calling out to me now saying, "Vanessa, follow me. Keep your eyes focused on me. Trust me with every step you take. Do not let the world overwhelm you. Lean on me and you will no longer be tired and weary. Give me full control. Heed my teachings. Talk to me." let's put things back into perspective....
I praise God for the abundant blessings He's bestowed upon me... for the riches of all the relationships that He's blessed me with... for all the supportive brother and sisters He places in my life... I'm so thankful that He's given me so many opportunities this term already... and it's only the 2nd day of class... Thank you Lord for re-confirming your calling for me this term... Lord, may I continue to seek your face day by day to live out Christ in me... May Your kingdom come here on campus... may Your will be done. May Your name be lifted high and exalted above all other things... may the truth of Your message ring true in the ears of the lost... may You keep pursuing me and deepening my relationship with You... may You keep knocking at the doors of my innermost being and teach me to be Your humble servant... may You keep pruning me so that my life will continuously move closer towards reflecting Christ... may You keep speaking to me so that i will repent and turn back to You...
I know my God's bigger than anything anyone can possibly throw at me... i really want to entrust my mind to You... i know You won't give me things beyond what i can handle... i thank You for taking me through such a trying mental journey these past two weeks... You've shown me things that i needed to resolve within myself that i never even knew needed resolving... but thank you for forcing me to dig up my past fears and incorporating them into my decision-making... it was just about one of the hardest things i've had to do since those two things happened... thank you for allowing me to serve You in so many ministries this term...
alrite... i think things are more mentally resolved now=)
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 5:41 p.m. (0) comments
Friday, September 08, 2006
On the brink of a new term...
I move into Waterloo tmr... it's been a good break in between terms...i should really try to cherish these last few hours here in the "comforts" of my own home...but at the same time, there's a part of me that wants the new term to start rollin... being home, even if it is for a few days is always quite challenging... predominantly, in a mental sense...
the past week back in toronto has been interesting to say the least... made a few important decisions... but what i've come to realize is my lack of faith regarding family matters once again... big surprise eh... why is there this dark shadow that looms over me from time to time? i don't want the past to control me, nor the thought of adverse future situations... it's hard to get time for myself when i'm back in toronto... nonstop busyness with all sorts of activities... all rewarding, yet i sacrifice smthg... alone times... it's not a healthy predicament to be in... i need to start choosing to spend more time alone w/ God... wherever i am... only then can i be still and know that He is God.
over the past few weeks, i kinda knew that God was prodding me to let go... but i didn't know that i had to let go now... why couldn't i let go later, in a few months, years... letting go is one of the hardest things to do... perhaps it's that unknown mystery that irks me... the faint possibility that massive amounts of pain could arise again ontop of old scars... and the truth of the matter is that i can't do anything about it... that is what scares me... i cannot protect you any longer, i cannot keep you safe anymore, i cannot comfort you anymore... it's not my duty but the Lord's... even though i've had to do it for the past 10 years, i need to let go... it is not my responsibility... i can't be in control... it's time to release my greatest burden to God....i've kept it to myself for way too long now... time to say goodbye and move on... must have faith...
i know i haven't fully been able to let go now...cuz i'm still thinking way too much about it...i know i made the right choice...but it's hard to take such a big step backwards... things will be okay...
Jeremiah 29:11 --> "... For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
there's a bright future in store for you... i can't wait to see the Lord mold you into a strong ambassador for His namesake... that's my prayer.
hmmm... i wonder what tonite will be like... what we have right now is quite ineffective... i've got to slowly learn how to change and open up more... although i know things could be better, so many things get in the way... sometimes when we talk, i long to express myself, and i do in my own mind with my mental thoughts, but they're rarely ever verbalized...and when verbalized, the past outcomes usually weren't that great... misunderstandings... somehow, i appear to have this great lack of respect... this "i can do everything on my own" attitude, when in reality, i really take to heart the things you say... i'm still very much a kid at heart... but when you shut out everything i have to say and put your wall of stubbornness ontop, i have no choice but to be silent... to just let my mind cry out yet keep my mouth from moving... i've seen many things happen over these years, and i don't want to bring out the raging fire within you... it's friggin scary... while some might call this attitude passive, i've been trained my whole life to be obedient and respectful within my role...
it's not like things are deteriorating...nor are they strengthening... ugh... complacency... what a nasty stage to be in... sadly, i don't know all your thoughts, and you barely know who i am apart from whatever perceptions you've built of me through the uneven windows of tainted observation... i'm trying to make my windows clear for all to see, please don't hold me back...
oh it's all good... must fight on as a soldier of Christ clinging onto the truth that has set me free.
God has clearly laid on my heart certain ministries for this term... i'm goin to have to stay focused on Him and the priorities He has set out for me... let's simplify life...minimize distractions and be assertive... haha learn to say no and give solid coherent explanations when opportunities arise... it shall be an interesting term... haha i'm looking forward to living with GIRLS again!!!! :) haha it's been 2 years since i've last lived with female housemates... *yay* girls are cool... now it's time to get back into that waterloo bubble... reorient myself in the community of brothers and sisters God has blessed me with and work out God's kingdom on campus.
Starfield -- All for You
Verse 1
Nothing compares to, life I have in You.
Nothing of this world satisfies,
So, I want to let go, I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours
Here I am, as gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place,
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch
Chorus:
It's all for You,
It's all for You,
I'm letting go,
I'm letting go.
Verse 2
What is it in me, that hangs on for so long?
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to, keep in control when,
Al that I want is to let go
Chorus:
I'll take this life,
And lay it down,
I'm letting go,
My hopes and dreams,
Here at Your feet,
I'm letting go,
I'm letting go.
And I am ready for Your life,
And I'm ready for You now.
~ Amen.