On the brink of a new term...
I move into Waterloo tmr... it's been a good break in between terms...i should really try to cherish these last few hours here in the "comforts" of my own home...but at the same time, there's a part of me that wants the new term to start rollin... being home, even if it is for a few days is always quite challenging... predominantly, in a mental sense...
the past week back in toronto has been interesting to say the least... made a few important decisions... but what i've come to realize is my lack of faith regarding family matters once again... big surprise eh... why is there this dark shadow that looms over me from time to time? i don't want the past to control me, nor the thought of adverse future situations... it's hard to get time for myself when i'm back in toronto... nonstop busyness with all sorts of activities... all rewarding, yet i sacrifice smthg... alone times... it's not a healthy predicament to be in... i need to start choosing to spend more time alone w/ God... wherever i am... only then can i be still and know that He is God.
over the past few weeks, i kinda knew that God was prodding me to let go... but i didn't know that i had to let go now... why couldn't i let go later, in a few months, years... letting go is one of the hardest things to do... perhaps it's that unknown mystery that irks me... the faint possibility that massive amounts of pain could arise again ontop of old scars... and the truth of the matter is that i can't do anything about it... that is what scares me... i cannot protect you any longer, i cannot keep you safe anymore, i cannot comfort you anymore... it's not my duty but the Lord's... even though i've had to do it for the past 10 years, i need to let go... it is not my responsibility... i can't be in control... it's time to release my greatest burden to God....i've kept it to myself for way too long now... time to say goodbye and move on... must have faith...
i know i haven't fully been able to let go now...cuz i'm still thinking way too much about it...i know i made the right choice...but it's hard to take such a big step backwards... things will be okay...
Jeremiah 29:11 --> "... For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
there's a bright future in store for you... i can't wait to see the Lord mold you into a strong ambassador for His namesake... that's my prayer.
hmmm... i wonder what tonite will be like... what we have right now is quite ineffective... i've got to slowly learn how to change and open up more... although i know things could be better, so many things get in the way... sometimes when we talk, i long to express myself, and i do in my own mind with my mental thoughts, but they're rarely ever verbalized...and when verbalized, the past outcomes usually weren't that great... misunderstandings... somehow, i appear to have this great lack of respect... this "i can do everything on my own" attitude, when in reality, i really take to heart the things you say... i'm still very much a kid at heart... but when you shut out everything i have to say and put your wall of stubbornness ontop, i have no choice but to be silent... to just let my mind cry out yet keep my mouth from moving... i've seen many things happen over these years, and i don't want to bring out the raging fire within you... it's friggin scary... while some might call this attitude passive, i've been trained my whole life to be obedient and respectful within my role...
it's not like things are deteriorating...nor are they strengthening... ugh... complacency... what a nasty stage to be in... sadly, i don't know all your thoughts, and you barely know who i am apart from whatever perceptions you've built of me through the uneven windows of tainted observation... i'm trying to make my windows clear for all to see, please don't hold me back...
oh it's all good... must fight on as a soldier of Christ clinging onto the truth that has set me free.
God has clearly laid on my heart certain ministries for this term... i'm goin to have to stay focused on Him and the priorities He has set out for me... let's simplify life...minimize distractions and be assertive... haha learn to say no and give solid coherent explanations when opportunities arise... it shall be an interesting term... haha i'm looking forward to living with GIRLS again!!!! :) haha it's been 2 years since i've last lived with female housemates... *yay* girls are cool... now it's time to get back into that waterloo bubble... reorient myself in the community of brothers and sisters God has blessed me with and work out God's kingdom on campus.
Starfield -- All for You
Verse 1
Nothing compares to, life I have in You.
Nothing of this world satisfies,
So, I want to let go, I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours
Here I am, as gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place,
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch
Chorus:
It's all for You,
It's all for You,
I'm letting go,
I'm letting go.
Verse 2
What is it in me, that hangs on for so long?
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to, keep in control when,
Al that I want is to let go
Chorus:
I'll take this life,
And lay it down,
I'm letting go,
My hopes and dreams,
Here at Your feet,
I'm letting go,
I'm letting go.
And I am ready for Your life,
And I'm ready for You now.
~ Amen.