posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 9:05 p.m. (2) comments
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Plans
i wonder what God has in store for me next term... there's gonna be some tough decisions that will have to be made soonish... well whenever God decides to reveal His plan to me =)
sometimes i feel like i'm stuck inbetween two worlds... the modern corporate society vs. what seems to be the small-town pace of life...
decisions regarding my future career aspirations... and the steps i'll have to take now to get there... ugh... the aggressiveness and competitivenss goes against my personality...
because of what I believe in, i have different priorities than what other ppl may have... but at the same time, we're called to be good stewards of our time and the gifts and abilities that God has given us... sometimes it makes me wonder if i'm really being a good steward of anything accounting related...
i've come to realize that i really don't like being pushed to do things... i usually like to take my sweet time doing things.. this relates to most areas of my life... sometimes it works out well, sometimes not so well...
it's almost like reverse psychology..the more ppl push me to do things..the less likely it is that i'll get it done soon or ever... i think that ppl push me to achieve more academically/career-wise a lot... i know they really mean the best for me... but i suppose i dont' place as high an emphasis on "succeeding" becuase i don't think that career success will make me very happy and satisfied in life...
at the same time, that doens't mean that i can jsut kinda bum around all thruout uni and jsut get enough marks to pass.. nor does it mean that i shouodln't set some goals for myself...
i do have hopes and dreams in life... but i estimate that about 90% of them have nothing to do with a future job at all... i guess it makes up for others looking down upon me b/c it appears to them like i have no drive to succeed.
let me share some of my hope and dreams... perhaps they'll come a reality later on in life...
1. family issues will disappear. healing will come...
2. that andrea will really grow and mature into a strong woman of God ^_^
3. that my non-believing friends and family can come to know Him personally as their Saviour and Lord.... and for my buddies who seem to be slipping away from the faith to rediscover Christ in their lives...
4. that all the people i talk to now will be able ot lift their burdens and fears to God and really overcome whatever life throws at them with the armour of God... in addition, that they will be able to discover waht it means to have joy in their suffering.
5. that the people i talk to now will be able to boldly proclaim their own testimonies to others around them...
6. that in my future work place, i'll be able to shine brightly for God and always be ethical in all accounting decisions... and really love and care for the peopel that God will place in my life...
7. that i'll live life sensitive to God's Spirit everyday and in complete surrender to His will. I wanna be challenged in life... and i'm sure i will be =P
8. waiting to spend eternity up there w/ God.
=) that's just some of them...
hehe there are always things to look forward to... and i'll be rejoicing so much if these things become reality... but even now when it seems like life is so far away from my hopes and dreams... God's name will still be praised =) let's take the focus off ourselves and onto Him.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 2:30 p.m. (0) comments
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Temporarily flustered, but ultimately at peace.
it isn't everyday that you get called both a bitch and an asshole and told not to care and not to love me all within 10 minutes.
i think we both need a time out... i'm just gonna let go of her... it's not my role to be her second parent... i dont' want to be her second parent.... i'm gonna cut down my contact with her... no shopping, no food, no theatres, no movies, no random chiling, and just let her live her own life... and when she's ready, we'll start hanging out again... until then, let her make her own mistakes.... it's actually been such a long time since we last fought... prolly over a year even... but dang... =P when she blows up.. dangggg... i need to get outta the way! at least now it's only words... and not actions...
i think i've learnt how to deal with adhd... under any other normal circumstance, the words would probably hurt... but it barely hits me anymore... i know it's not how she means it to be... the raging emotions is a part of her that she can't control once she gets so pissed off...
but honestly tho... i don't know what a good approach would be to all this...
like ____, and just not really even talk to her at all... just play every now and then, and PRAY
like ____, and give her books read and videos to watch, and PRAY
like ____, and give all those lectures, and PRAY
cuz my approach is obviously not working very well... i've crossed the line. sorry kiddo.
i just remembered now what i was telling someone yesterday... in this whole world, she is probably without a doubt in my mind the person (who is a human) i care about the most... =) hehe i guess that makes it super hard to let go =P
my dad said something tonite over his celebratory birthday dinner that really touched me tonite... he told andrea that he's actually jealous of all the time that i spend with her... always taking her out each weekend... wow... i'm still kinda processing that... i guess time is very precious indeed..
i love you sweetie... and i
---*edit post*---
and 2 hrs later... after the apologies... there's no more tension... it's a hard life having to adjust to ppl's fiery tempers... and trying to understand ppl's emotional instability at times... it's ok tho =) the Lord is with us always
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 10:16 p.m. (1) comments
Saturday, March 04, 2006
"I'm very disappointed in you... just wanted to let you know." click.
=) have you ever had those words spoken to you before? hehe...it ranks rite up there with "what's the becoming of you?" (blog post sometime in summer of 2004 i believe)...
altho that time, the things said were very valid and i would completely agree =P this time... it's like playing with fire... i don't wanna say anything to further ignite the fire... guess it's gonna be another one of those "suck it up" times =) all is well... hehe bring it!!!!!!
i think back to what pastor fred said at winter retreat a couple of months ago... you are able to most effectively minister to others who are dealing with the same things you have dealt with before.... tis very true =P it's a very humbling experience..
----
random thoughts:
what do you say to people when they ask you how you are doing? sometimes... honestly i don't know how to answer... it's such a vague question..
how are you doing today?
how is work?
how is school?
how are things in life treating you?
how was "such and such" event?
how are things back home?
how is your sister doing?
how is your spiritual life?
how are your ministries goin?
how are your devos and prayer life doing?
how is your communication with God?
how has God answered your prayers recently?
how has/hasn't your Christian support network been caring for you?
how has God been molding you recently?
how has God been breaking you recently?
how firm is your trust and faith in God on a daily basis?
^_^ see what i mean? the list of quesitons start off vague and then end off pretty personal... i think it's fine to start off with some normal ones near the top of the list.. but hopefully as you get to know ppl better you get more comfortable with asking quesitons closer towards the end of the list..
so sometimes when ppl ask me how i'm doing... i just give them a half @ss answer... i'm doing fine...i'm doing alrite... work is work... =) stuff like that..
it's a challenge to develop more meaningful friendships with everyone you encounter... but it is my hope and prayer that ppl become more transparent with each other, myself included... i hope that people will truly be able to share God's love with each other... and truly express their care for one another in meaningful ways..
in how many of your friendships are you able to ask all the questions listed above? or even a majority of the ones near the bottom?
i understand that some ppl may feel quite uncomfortable in asking these questions... excuses pop up (ie. i'm not close enough w/ ppl to ask them such personal questions... i'm kinda shy... i dont' wanna feel like i'm barging in on ppl's personal space....) and while these are all quite valid reasons...i believe that at times, we are meant to break free from this rigidity and love ppl like Jesus did... i was at fellowship last weekend and one of the guys was saying that... we don't bring/lead people to Christ/God.... that is purely God's role... however, it IS within our role to bring Jesus to others..... hehe good thing God sent the Holy Spirit to dwell within each of us... cuz there is absolutely no way that our thoughts, words, and actions could reflect God's love with others without the presence of the Holy Spirit.
i've been learning a lot about the person of the Holy Spirit at church recently... it's been really cool ^_^ hehe... i think it's so true what my pastor said last week... the Holy Spirit is like the forgotten one... as Christians, we talk a lot about God and Jesus... but how often do we rejoice, thank, and praise the Holy Spirit? how many of us even know what the Holy Spirit's role is (on earth and in our lives) and can describe it in concrete words... it made me think a lot these past couple of weeks... i think i've been kinda grieving Holy Spirit by not acknowledging him enough...