It's time to suck it up
i wonder... are the accusations true?
let me try to do some soul searching.... (this post will not make sense to people. it's okay. it's my personal reflection time)
do i really portray myself as a person who does not care about others? do i really enable others to perceive me as being selfish? do i really just only look out for myself and not for you guys? do i really get too involved w/ them and not involved enough with you guys?
sighz... what am i doing wrong to make it seem that way? when in fact, i face a daily battle to try to fight through it empowered only through the Holy Spirit. i try to fight the discouragement... i try to fight the pain... and at the end of the day, I'm getting to know God deeper in my broken state...
what would make you happy? i honestly don't know... i'm not searching for your approval... but in some sense, perhaps i am... i think i'm more searching for your support in the things i do... but instead, i get all these accusations... i know you dont' see the value in all these things... but i do...my life runs way deeper than you think... i would sacrifice so much do to these things... but in the end... i think i've sacrificed the identity you form of me.... it's something i dont' want to sacrifice... should i have to? can the two ever run parallel with each other?
haha... if you're sick of it, i'm sorry. it's not fair that you have to listen to it...
what's God trying to tell me? am i listening with open ears to what He has to say? is there something in my life that is blocking me from hearing His voice clearly?
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despite how tough things can be, i give thanks to the Lord. You renew me day by day. It is Your face i always seek. May all glory, honour, and praise be unto Your name.
amen.
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btw... listen to the song... it's got awesome lyrics... (mercyme: Homesick)... hehe.. it captivates some thoughts so well...
Mercyme - Homesick
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 12:18 a.m. (1) comments
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
~ All with a Grain of Salt ~
i think over the years, i've come to appreciate my parents more for their lectures, advice, queeries into my life, and random talks =P hehe...and i think it's cool (and hilarious at times) that i can almost predict what they will say to me when certain scenarios arise... (btw..JT, i was SOOOO right!) haha... so when these funny conversations arise, i have to think seriously to keep myself from stifling in my own inward laughter... hehe but every now and then, their comments can surprise me :P haha...it keeps life interesting ~
they mean well... hehe... as overprotective parents always do... and even if it looks like i'm not paying any attention to them, i do pick up the main messges and take it all with a grain of salt... i think if i shared with them more about my life then maybe i'ld be able to apply more of some of the stuff they say =) haha... they've got this wierd conception of who i am and misguided reasons for the things i do... it's prolly entirely my fault for sticking to myself more i suppose... guess i'll have to live with the crazy, impulsive, stubborn, selfish, friendly, NAIVE image they have of me until i reveal more of myself to them...
good times good times...
in other news... i was helping andrea on her gr 8 french assignment... i basically told her what to write for all the answers...and she ended up with a 65% on it... whoops! LOL geez... gotta brush up on french =)
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 7:39 p.m. (1) comments
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Human Kindness =)
this morning as i drove into the Don Mills subway station parking... i was totally blown away at the kindness of 1 man.
i had checked the night before that i needed to pay $3 for the subway parking.. which was cool...i really thought i had enough change.and if not, that there would be parking attendants who would be able to exchange money for a 20 or smthg... but much to my dismay, i opened my wallet yesterday morning with my car put in park mode, and discovered i only had $1.75, which included 3 quarters... i looked at the coin machine and they only accept loonies and twoonies.. o_O
i start to freak... nothing's open at 7:45 in the morning where i can get change without being extremely late for work in downtown toronto... i glance frantically at my rear-view mirror to see if there are any cars following me... whew...none yet... and i search my car for any loose change...still nothing... oh crap...
this one 30-smthg year old azn guy drives next to me, i kinda stare at him... not on purpose..but i think i had this really stressed out look on my face... he started saying something to me so i rolled down my windows... and he asked if i needed change...i said yes... then he said that he would put his money in first and then park his car and come over to help me.... meanwhile..the cars are starting to pile behind me... i'm actually really surprised no one honked their horn at me... such patience.. =)
he walked over and asked how much i needed and he gave me 2 bucks... i thanked him over an over and he walked back to his car... wow... i know it prolly doesn't seem like a lot to most people...but to me, i was just so amazed at this one stranger's kindness... asking nothing in return.. just a simple act of kindness... i know many people prolly just wouldn't care and just proceed to park after paying their fare, espeically that early in the morning on their way to work...
this one stranger's simple action reminds me of how much God loves me. unconditional love.
the little things in life do matter... i'm pretty sure this 1 guy didn't know how much his 2 bucks meant to me.... i barely even remember what he looks like anymore... but yeah... he didn't even hesitate to help out. wattta dude haha... much respect to this stranger.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 12:03 p.m. (1) comments
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
time for another "real" post.. hehe i haven't written a real one in awhile... the last one doesn't count =P
it's wierd...i find the sudden urge to slow down in life and relax and blog...but i don't really have that much to say... i've been doing better these past 2 weeks... thanks for your prayers, emails, and msgs... not feeling as overwhelmed with stuff =P and slowly learning to let go and take each day at a time...
over the past weekend, i've had a lot of really good conversations with people catching up and seeing how they're doing =) staying up very late hours... haha... definitely later than i have been sleeping for the past while (10pm) but it's all well worth it.
i think the past weekend made me think a bit more... about things i haven't thought about for the past while being back in the toronto area working... haha...
- ccf stuff.. wow... dunno really even where to begin... i'm beginning to see that i'm very attached to it... not ccf as an organization, but more ccf, the people... God's people... it's always hard to come away and hear of so many people hurting and wandering in their faith, struggling a lot just to get by, or even getting burnt out... or just passionate and lost simultaneously about how to further God's kingdom in and through ccf.... i think i've come away with one thing in mind: PRAYER... all the visits and talks with brothers and sisters will do no good without prayer.... let's take the burdens off our own shoulders and lift them up to Him... pray in faith and trust that the Lord will deliver in His time according to His sovereign plan.
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i think within the span of the past 3 months, i've been asked numerous times why i'm not as shy i claim i used to be... =P it's funny... people cannot see it at all... but i think if you really know me well enough, you might be able to see it appear every now and then... more often than you would think...
i still like to keep to myself at various times.. and times of solitude and just alone time are cherished =P
i can be completely happy and content in a group of people, not saying much... and there are situations in which i will choose to be quiet.
why is it that "shy people" seem to have negative connotations? i'm sure that many of us have at one point in time looked down upon the "shy people" probably without even realizing it... do we kinda brush the "shy people" off and pay less attention to them simply because we deem them "harder to get to know"? there are so many misconceptions of "shy people"....
somehow.... we appear to others as not being as strong... completely untrue.... shyness as a personality trait is not postively correlated with one's strength in character.
we appear to be unconfident.. while this may not be the case.... there could be many other reasons as to why we are shy... reasons that run much deeper than simply "lacking in confidence"... we could be brought up that way (not to raise our voice, share our opinoins with "elders") or we could have very deep painful pasts to which we don't want to share with others... pasts that have kinda built up walls around us as a sort of protection from the outside world.... i dunno there's a lot more reasons.... they may not be good reasons.... but they are still there...
shy people are "boring"... hahahaha SOOO not true! =) enough said... we're the coolest people ever =) hehe of course i'm a bit biased... just get to know us.
and it's actually not that hard to get to know us... as you open more of yourself then we will also open up more of ourselves to you... it goes both ways =) hehe i have no clue where this blog is going.... haha so i will stop it here.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 8:48 p.m. (0) comments
Sunday, February 05, 2006
GO WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!
yeah... it mite look kinda wierd by the cover, but trust me it's very very very very good...and for all you movie-cryers out there...this one will definitely make you cry... (my sis and i didn't..but we're wierd)... it's actaully a pretty inspirational movie... dunno if i've said that about many secular movies... especially cantonese ones... but go watch it :D to me, this movie draws some parallels of the love between us and God... of sacrifice... of suffering... of love as described in 2 Corinthians 13...
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