posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 10:15 p.m. (0) comments
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Hey~ well...i still got 2 more exams to go...it's sad...everybody's leaving already and i'm still stuck here for another week!! grrrr...just watching my friends pack makes me jealous =P oh wellz..i'll have my fun when i'm finally finished that music 100 exam! yeah...well.... _____ left on Saturday and although i wasn't here, i got to say goodbye on the friday. it was kinda awkward, like we both didn't really know what to say to each other. both of us were quite silent, just kinda looking at each other, trying to make small talk while underneath feelin kinda blue. yeah...i came back from Keatsway with Lorna on Sunday afternoon (after a really screwed over shopping plan - sleeping at 5am, planning to wake up at 8am for shopping DOESN"T WORK!!, ending up waking up at 12noon) and found a letter on my desk from _____.
wow... as my roomie Sally could tell, it was really hard for me to read the letter. i had to have a little break between pages and sometimes even in between paragraphs. this was the first time that i actually got to understand what was going on behind those troubled eyes of his. i never would have even imagined some of the stuff he wrote in the letter, but that's reality i guess. so...after reading that letter, i wasn't 'ok' according to lorna and sally. i can't exactly describe my feelings after reading that letter. a mixture of sadness, regret, laughter, shock, confusion, happiness.... rite after i read that letter, i wanted to march rite up there and go talk to him about it, but he was gone. i guess we've both accepted our "fate"...i hate using stupid mushy words like that, but i guess that's reality =P friends is all we're gonna be and we both are accepting it while both keeping our pain within us. sadly, i dun even know if we're compatible anymore, or if we ever were. according to many ppl, we're just not meant to be and when i finally start to accept that, things like this show up. i think this is a test of giving myself completely to God.
in order to do that, i'll have to change on my part... i gotta stop thinking about u ____ and our past,present,future.... why is it so friggin hard?! welll...bit by bit things will turn out alrite...i guess time will make some things pass....
Lord, i know we've both been taking this situation into our own hands. Father, forgive me. I submit myself to You.
posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~ -- 5:32 p.m. (0) comments
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
hey...i'm sitting here in my room now..it's currently 2:13 am...i got back from DP about half an hour ago. hmmm..recently my sleeping schedule has become so screwed up...i never sleep earlier than 3 now, and i wake up at the earliest 11 am the next morning....take a shower...eat lucnh...then it's either sleep again till dinner or just relaxing~ then...the real day starts (meaning...major studying!!! most likely at DP). well... at DP we had an interesting talk about relationships again =P yeah..those annoying complicated relationships... started thinking again...
i dunno...i really dunno...i was talking to sally yesterday nite about my feelings...and how they've changed yet again.... i think it's a better thing now anyways that i do indeed like him, now seeing the whole picture of him, rather than just a lopsided "unreal" view of him. i think now i can accept who he is and not wish for things that he's not.... rite now, i still dun really know what i want to come out of this. in one sense, i want things to go deeper, in the other sense, i want to back away and become less attached. as of rite now, things could really go either way. it's all up to God. but if things do go deeper, there will be some issues that definitely need to be discussed..no more of this not opening up to each other business...