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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Profound reminder before the beginning of the term

Taken from a book i started to read today:

"Now--listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling -- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete," said Anderson. We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to those that hurt us. This is not saying, "it didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was very wrong. Very Wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

apart from this one exerpt, the book is giving me a lot to think/pray about =) GOOD TIMES!!

in my last post, the final lesson i learnt last term was on forgiveness... let me continue that thought...

i think i finally am beginning to understand forgiveness better... "Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." hehe... i'm in that stage rite now actually... it took a whole year exactly plus or minus a few days for me to make the choice and follow through on the choice to forgive... now i guess i realize that it is okay that my feelings are taking time to heal... in fact, it's normal... there's a sense of peace.

=) i had a great day today... it was very much needed after a very exhausting tax season... i unknowingly find myself back in waterloo, back to class, back to ccf, back to living on my own, back to cooking, and most of all... back to time where i can just sit and meditate at any time of the day for an extended period in my own room... wow... i like my solitude =) for some reason, life seems a lot slower today than it has been for the past two months... i've enjoyed the time spent with just me and God today =) soooo good :D haha... it was so needed :P

it makes me wonder though... the university years are not goin to last... i know that i can spend a complete day with God here in Loo without having any time/exhaustion limits placed on me... but what happens when i get back out in the "real" world? when work, social, and family pressures flood? it actually wasn't physcially possible for me to get away last term at home and just meditate with God for a full day on my own, away from everyone... the best i got was a few hours after work at nite before i passed out... it lasted me through the term cuz i felt God's presence constantly at my side day in day out... Thank God for that... =)

tmr's the first day of school already... i'm still very much in work mode... haha... i need to go and spend $500 on books... whoopee =P then i get to read them :D ooohhh!!! INCOME TAX ACT! o_O hahaha... fun times...

posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~  -- 5:48 p.m. (0) comments

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Only 5-6 more days left of work!!!! :)

hehe..i'm very excited to get a change of pace and get outta that exhausting workplace environment... i can hide out in waterloo for 8 months until i have to go at it again =P

well...it's april 23, and as another term passes, it's time for the termly reflection of lessons learnt...

all of a sudden, i'm starting to feel old... after getting reminded that i'm gonna be one of the oldest ppl left at ccf this upcoming year, i feel so "chan" (worn out) sometimes... but i think it's kinda enjoyable in a wierd way... i think i'm at that spot in life again in between terms when i look back at the struggles i've faced and i'm kinda curious to see what's gonna happen next.... haha at the end of every term, i can't imagine the trials getting even more difficult in the coming term but there's an acknowledgement that they will... i got reminded again today at church how the closer we grow with God, the more difficulties we'll face in life... it just keeps getting harder and harder =P and at the same time we become better equiped with part of God's character being sown in us through our past experiences of faith and trust...

hehe i'm gonna try to make this as coherent as possible =P

Lesson #1
i've learnt about the importance of sabbaths and being daily renewed by God. b/c i am so stubborn and i like to rely on my own strength... i usually get screwed cuz i was being dumb =) i don't think i've ever been so tired for such an extended period of time before... last tax season wasn't as bad... but God's not gonna just renew you daily if you don't ask for it, if you dont realize that you need it, and if you don't put Him first in your life.. i think that in the past i've kinda just taken for granted that i'll be renewed by God when areas of my life become pressured... that's not the way it works though.. and i'm definitley not being humble before God if i think like that... taking for granted that God's gonna renew you is different than always having faith that God can renew you... it's like my brain wants to fastforward to the renewal stage and bypass the whole "come before God" step... (come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest" matt11:29) ... come to Him, acknowledge Him, seek Him... i think my fault in taking God for granted in this way degrades His character... and without even realizing it, my view of God becomes incomplete... i start to forget that He wants a relationship with me... and He's not only a powerful God who can do anything.. He is that, and so MUCH MORE. He's my Father, He's my Joy, He's my Hope, He's my first Love. In addition to developing an incomplete view of God, taking God for granted in giving the weary rest makes us more selfish... when we focus too much on getting rest from God, it's so easy to just want to take, take, and take some more from God without surrendering our lives to Him and worshipping God. i think it's been a struggle i've faced almost every term...and only now do i realize it... the whole "i want rest from God, and i want it NOW!" ugh!... i'm such a selfish impatient bum sometimes... well... it'll continue to be a challenge for me every school and work term but i hope that the Lord will continue to change my heart so that i can focus on praising Him.

Lesson #2
i've learnt about the importance of memorizing Scripture and being filled with the Word... or at the bare minimum, reading it over and over again in hopes of becoming more familiar with the Scripture... it's so true that God's Word protects us... it protected me from making some pretty bad choices... and especially when i was feeling distraught, God's Words appeared over and over again in my thoughts... it keeps me going when i'm exhausted... it reminds me of God's Sovereignty... i was reading Colossians earlier this term... and i was so challenged by this:

*Colossians 3:16*
"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."

The past couple of terms at ccf, i've been hearing this verse over and over again.. in people's prayers, in people's sharings... i think the passage has come alive in my life over the past term at home... it holds so much power in my own life... not only in times of doubt and pain, but also in times of joy and renewal.... i think that is also a challenge for me... to not only remember and rely on Scripture when i'm in those downtimes..but to remember and rely on Scripture just as much when things are going smoothly... when something awesome happens in my life... i praise and thank God, but the Scripture doesn't flow out of my thoughts and prayers like they do when i'm in a downtime.... why is that?? even on my blogs... i quote Scirptures when i'm in the midst of a struggle..but why do i not quote Scripture when i'm praising the Lord? whyyy? i dunno... am i being too senstive? thoughts anyone?

*Hebrews 4:12*
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Lesson #3
waiting on the Lord =) it's soooo good to wait on the Lord... working in His time is so much better than workin in our time... especially with regards to decision making... ie. what ministries to serve in, if and how to help others, when to do things and when not to do them... i'm no expert in discovering the will of God... but i think there's a state that our heart has to be in before God reveals part of His plan to us, whenever He chooses to do so... waiting on the Lord helps get rid of all that impatience we have in us... and sometimes the longer we wait upon the Lord, we can kinda see where our intentions lie... why do we want to serve in that specific area, or why do we wnat to help that person, or why do i want to do this thing now... waiting on the Lord enables us to dig deeper and figure out if we have the right motivations and intentions for doing various things in life... there were many times when i've learnt to wait on the Lord this term and through that, He showed me where my heart was... sometimes it wasn't in the right place and the time of waiting kept me from making wrong choices... There's an overwhelming sense of peace that i can't really explain in words when we learn to wait upon the Lord... people someitmes ask.. waiting on the Lord..okay..wait for what? i've learnt this term to try to not ask that question too often.. i'm nto saying that it's wrong to wait for God's answer to prayer or guidance in decision-making..but i am saying that waiting on the Lord entails more than that... it embodies your whole soul waiting =P i'm still figuring out what it means for my soul to wait...

*Psalms 130:5*
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Lesson #4
this term God was so awesome and He gave me some opportunities to share with some non-believers a bit about my faith... =) very cool :D i've learnt that God's in control of these sharing times... and sometimes, God doesn't open the doors to sharing about the faith openly until a while after you meet ppl =P i think it's important to know what to say if ppl ever ask you questions...but it's also equally as important to build up friendshpis with people and be a good ambassador for Christ right from the very beginning... to be a bold ambassardor for Christ... let the Christ=like-ness just ooze out of you, from your words, your thoughts, and yoru actions... yah... sometimes i know i'm not exactly living up to the highest standard of resprenting Christ in all i do.. and i feel bad... i don't want others to think that there's nothign different in my life... and i dont' ever wanna become a carnal Christian... it's very tough... especially working in the corporate world.. and at the same time, i am no better than them... i have no right to call people worldy if they have different beliefs than me... that's what i learned... the hard way :P

Lesson #5
perhaps one of the hardest lessons learnt... and i don't even know if i can say that i learnt it..more like still trying to figure it all out... i think i can say that i've forgiven a particular person..but i'm still trying to reconcile accepting the person for who they are despite their shortcomings with relearning to respect that person again.... i'm rather lacking in the respect part...and that's no good.. 1) the anger has passed away... 2) the pain has been rehealed.... 3) the forgiveness is there.... 4) the respect is not tho... i really thank God for being with me during those 3 initial steps... and now in the 4th step... God was soo patient with me in those different stages over such a long period of time... haha it's a miracle that God already got me this far :P ... it took a lot of brokenness... i dun know exactly how to describe those times of brokenness this past term other than.... it was toughhhhh :P haha... but God's pruning always is :) or it won't work as well... hehe

.... so there u have it... i think the top 5 lessons i learnt this past term... up next: 3B in loo...

posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~  -- 7:34 p.m. (1) comments

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Stress

everyone has their own way of dealing with it... my question is, what do you do when you are tempted to stress?

for me, i need to take periodic "time-outs" and just spend the time with God... this usually happens after i get home from work... and i will not make time for other people if i have not made time for God first. sometimes it's a bit frustrating when people do not realize that, but that's life =P and it's kinda hard to explain to someone that i need to spend time alone with God and if that means being a bit more antisocial in the month of april, so be it =P

for those of you whom i haven't talked to in awhile, i'm still alive =P hehe and thank you for your prayers.

as i was driving home today, i started thinking if people can see Christ living in me even in the midst of such a crazy, hectic, exhausting work schedule.... i know at work some people have noticed that i pray before each meal... but is that all? does my life reflect Christ in the eyes of the unbelieving world... it is always such a big challenge when i think about it... can i be different in the way i handle stress from work? can i be different in the way i deal with screwed up files, annoying clients, pissed off partners, and anal coworkers? so very challenging =)

i know i can...but it is only possible if Christ is the centre of my life all the time... its got to be a conscious effort everyday... and every hour, every minute... the things i deal with at work, school, home, wherever i am --> Christ is the centre of them... and it's those times when i forget to honour Christ's supremacy in my life and lay my burdens at His feet that stress finds its way into my life... God renews me day by day... i defintiely don't deserve so much of God's grace in my life but i am very thankful for it...there is no one like Him.


Christ, be the centre of our lives. Be the place we fix our eyes.
Be the centre of our lives.
We lift our eyes to heaven, we wrap our lives around Your life.
We lift our eyes to heaven, to You
*edit post* 12:20 am
okay...i feel it... BRING it... let me fight it... together with Christ by my side. fight it and not let the devil win.

posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~  -- 8:53 p.m. (0) comments

Saturday, April 08, 2006


Praise the Lord =)

:D :D :D i don't even know where to start =)

i'm very very thankful for God's answer to prayer. I think it's been about 3 years now... it's been a long and rough journey... but prayers are definitely being answered =)

today is my sister's 14th birthday =) and over dinner my sister shared with us that she decided not to hang out with certain friends. She actually said her reasoning behind her decision was that since she began to hang out with these few people, her marks in school have gone down significantly and she began to go hang out with her friends almost everyday after school... aka she noticed that her friends had a negative influence on her... she shared that the negative influence really struck her when she got 0.5/20 on her math test last week and she finally realized how far down her life had gone...

i was so surprised to see how mature she had grown in just a few short weeks... and she credited it to TC where she was "changed"... she dedicated her life to Christ and she's been trying not to swear and to try harder in school...and this week she decided to change the group of friends she hangs out with... all this coming from a 14 year old...i was so impressed and I can really see the hand of God working in her life....

God is changing her heart and molding her =) hehehe i'm soooo happie!!!! the years of prayer really ignited this past week... =) and i can hear her singing in her room beside me to worship music... it's truly inspiring.

thank you God sooooooooo much! words cannot express my deep gratitude and joy =)

hahaha...turns out that when i move out from home.... i have to take andrea with me.. LOL! she'll be 18 by at that time... that's what my dad said... then he and my mom can move into a condo and be free from us =P hahahha... that'll be nice... hehe family inside jokes are so hilarious! we've got so many of them in my family... =P it's a good reminder that God is always very much in control of my family. thankyou.

posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~  -- 10:44 p.m. (1) comments

Monday, April 03, 2006

In Christ Alone:

Brian Littrell - In Christ Alone

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

Chorus:
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord


AMEN
---

that is what i listened to on repeat all the way home from work today... the 15 minute drive home allowed my brain to rest a bit... but even now as i type, my eyes kinda burn and it's only 6:19 pm... crazy :P

i was thinking on the way home to one of my previous blogs...

excerpt from Dec.15/05 blog:
"but u see how since 1B the issues got bigger and bigger.... altho at the time, each trial seemed pretty encompassing... it's like the more you grow... the more you learn.... then next up, God has an even bigger lesson to teach you... something that will break you down on a completely different level... (break down...not as in .. "cries, boo hoo my life sux" kinda break down... but more like finding who you are in God's eyes over and over again, and each time, He brings new aspects to light) ... and thus, your faith and confidence in the Lord also grows stronger.

and if u think about it... it can get kinda scarie... u think that whatever your'e going thru is bad... the worse is yet to come =P hehe...and it's kinda true tho ^_^... BUT realize that He never gives you trials more than you can bear... and if u really think about it... Matthew 11: 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." "

even from the time i wrote that blog, indeed, the spiritual battle has gotten more fierce only within a matter of a few months... and i can feel that God is breaking me down again... today, i kinda felt tired and weary.... and i hear God calling out: "Come to me, all who are tired and weary, and I will give you rest." =) boy, do i need some rest...i'm not talkign abour physical rest..cuz altho i get tonz of that, it doesn't make much of a difference in terms of mental, emotional, and spiritual rest.

and In Christ Alone -- there, lies my source of strength and hope.

i cannot fight the fight on my own strength.

---

i've realized that this past term, i've really missed praying with other brothers and sisters.... i was praying with some ppl last friday when the RHCCC university aged fellowhsip was held at my house ( i only found this out the day of ). there is so much strength with prayer in numbers... haha it took me 3 months to see how big of a difference it makes to be constantly prayign with others... and sharing about your personal issues and praising GOd together... iv'e got a month left... and well... haha it's kind of a lost cause for the rest of htis term....but defintiely next work term something needs to change... gotta find my prayer buddies in TO =)

---

i've been wondering...do i internalize other ppl's needs too much? i was told last week that i shoudl actually start caring more for myself and let ppl deal with their own stuff by themselves...

hmmm... it seems kinda wrong to me tho.... it's kinda of hard to explain to certain ppl... by caring for ppl, i am NOT tryign to fill their needs, that is God's job =) i think this is a key point that stops ppl from being burnt out. By visiting, talking, and praying with&for someone, i am not trying to fill whatever needs they have, but rather share part of God's love to others and be there to listen, so that in all things, His name will be glorified...

there's a lot of pain in this world... everyone's got their own share... i've definitely got mine that i constantly deal with... can you see past your own pain to reach out to others? actually no...it's more than seeing past your own pain...cuz ppl can just suppress their own issues and choose not to deal with them and just focus on others...but that isn't necessarily the way to go either...

quesiton is..how do you reconcile your own pain when loving others? it's kinda hard to explain...but learning self-less-ness and Christ-centered-ness are the two things that i strongly believe in. i struggle a lot with it too when things get crappy at home with increasing school/work pressure and at the same time, other people are looking for support, encouragement, and prayer and your ministries are getting increasingly more heavy... BUT haha, let's continue to fight the tiredness, the discouragement, the selfishness, the pride, and shine brightly for God =)

- try to take time to get out of your own bubble... and realize that the world does not consist of only you and your own struggles... look around you, you won't have to look far to discover that practically everyone around you is hurting too.... it is our duty to share GOd's love with others... and i'm sure that GOd has blessed each person withs pecific gifts and talents and different ways of expressing GOd's love to others... so just go for it in whichever way God has blessed you to do it =)

- focus on Christ.. the cross... what that means.. as Christians, we do have freedom in Christ... and God always keeps his promise to not only take care of us, but continualy build us up stronger if we surrender fully to Him... and oh..what about having the joy of the Lord always in yoru hearts? It IS possible to suffer and have the joy of hte Lord in your heart.... alongside joy, keeping a heart of thanksgiving is also very crucial to keepin Christ-centered. haha sorry, kinda jumbled thoughts now... but yeah.... pray PRAY P.R.A.Y.!!!!!

=) Thank you God.

posted by ~*~VaNeSsA~*~  -- 6:10 p.m. (1) comments