The_Deep_Thinker

2011-04-11T17:40:00.000-04:00

JOB

First off, thank you so much for your prayers, text messages, emails, and support! I really feel so blessed and thankful to have a great spiritual community in my life! I want to share with you all what God has been speaking to me - especially in light of the career book we are going through at small group now. For those of you who don't know, I started a new job on Monday, quit on Friday and will return back to my previous employer full-time sometime this week or next week.

So Friday was probably one of the hardest days to get through at work. I had 3 separate conversations with my supervisor. The first conversation at 8:30am didn't go as planned as the supervisor wanted to make some accommodations for me in terms of start/end times to allow for more flexibility. His really supportive approach caught me off guard and I didn't know what to say at that point. After speaking with Alexis that morning, he helped reconfirm that we felt it was best to leave and take my old position back. I then proceeded to have another conversation with my supervisor with the most open and honest intentions. I told him about my poor health, the reasons behind why my career priorities are centered around work/life balance, how I was pretty drained this week from the longer hours, and how my expectations of what this position would be like doesn't match up with their work environment. I even told my supervisor about my struggles this past week about feeling unethical/unprofessional during my decision making process about whether I should return back to my previous employer. I also let him know that my old position only became available to me as a permanent position a few days after I started this position.

and THANK GOD my supervisor took everything so well. He was so understanding. God is so good! He reassured me that while it sucks for him from an HR perspective, he understands that these decisions are not always clearcut and that family should always come first. I know that God was with me during the entire conversation. Then at the end of the day, I handed in my resignation letter and he consented to my resignation.

As Alexis and I were sitting in the car waiting to cross the border into Seattle, (it was a LONG 45 mins wait), I called my Mom in Toronto and updated her on the situation. She told me that she was praying for me with her best friend and God spoke to her as to why I had to go through this tough job turnover experience. I really respect her thoughts and I trust in her spiritual guidance as she is really in tune with the Lord's calling.

She told me that she noticed that my attitude was not right with God as I started to look for full-time permanent positions a few weeks ago. I mentioned a few times to her that "I wouldn't mind going back to the Student Society (where I used to work) if an opening became available". She noted that this line stemmed from an attitude that was not grateful. There was no thankfulness in my heart to God or recognition and praise to God for the wonderful blessing this previous job has been for the past 9 months. She also noted that it was my own career-oriented pride that also disabled me from finding true joy and gratefulness in my previous work place as I was always wanting to look for a more challenging job elsewhere. Whereas in reality, this job I've worked at since July has been one of the biggest blessing in my life - with excellent work life balance. My mom knew that this job was perfect for me already especially given my poor physical health and she knew I loved it. God wanted to strip it away from me and give me a challenging job that I thought I wanted in order for me to realize my own pride and ungratefulness. It was also God's timing that my old position became available so that I could even go back there permanently. God is so good!!!!

As Alexis and I were listening to my mom in the car, we couldn't agree more with what she has said with regards to my job turnover in the past week. Definitely a good lesson to learn.

So thanks to each of you for your part in God's revelation to me about whole hearted submission to Him over my career.

2011-02-25T16:20:00.003-05:00

Reawakening.

I think its been about 3+ years since my last posting... I think I was really challenged by the deep sharing of two of my small group members yesterday night to re-explore how my spiritual/life thinking in written format used to be so formative in my walk with God... and now... well its been 3+ years and a lot has changed since then...

general updates - finished my undergraduate degree, finished my masters degree, attained my Chartered Accountancy professional designation, moved to Vancouver, got married, moved jobs 3x in the past 1.5 years.... and that just about sums up the past 3 years..

As I reflect upon who I've become since those university days, I cannot say that I'm fully satisfied with where things are today. Some things are great - some things are just... stagnant..

In terms of the stagnant things... #1 - Bible readings. This has kind of been the unspoken white elephant in my life over the past 3 years... if someone outright verbally called me out on this or challenged me, I'ld have a whole handful of excuses ready to fire back which at the end of the day can be summed up with the word LAZINESS. Why have I become such a lazy person? I can be very passionate about certain areas of my life (i.e. family, church, work, etc... okay, maybe not work haha)... but why is it that when it comes to God, one of my largest flaws really shines clear?

So... I feel really challenged to start doing something about it - setting some goals - setting up some new habits, setting up some more accountability.

I'm going to start using this new devotional that my Mom gave me a few weeks ago. I think what's crippled my Bible reading is that for me, Bible reading on its own (with no commentary, corresponding devotional, group directed Bible study questions) doesn't impact me the way it should. The Word of God is living and breathing and is the sword of Truth - so its about time I allow God to speak to me without my laziness getting in the way.

anyways, the great thing about this devotional - unlike others ... its not 100% just theological and your'e left to really push yourself to digest it, and analyze it, and ask questions yourself about it... its not 100% storybook with little spiritual content where you're left not thinking at all about what you've just read... its got good grounding - a long bible passage embedded with a series of thought provking challenging questions - and a really heart felt prayer ... a prayer that one could not pray without really realizing the impact of the words lest they be called a hypocrite.

so... starting small - that's the goal :) ODB in the morning when I turn on my computer - small prayers throughout the day - and this new devotional at night.

I want to be transformed.

2009-04-29T21:22:00.003-04:00

Death and Dying - I need your prayer!

As many of you know, my auntie rebecca is in her final days on earth... i just got off the phone with my mom for the past hour and a half.. and all i want to do is break down and cry.... not the fact that she is dying, but because of the massive spiritual warfare that is attacking my family left, right and centre...

i don't even know where to start...

death... makes people do irrational things... death scares people... death frightens people.. death is something to be feared for many because that's all there is to life... for my uncle, death is the ultimate enemy... as he believes in no life after death.. no eternity... no heaven.. no hell.. no God... no faith.. no hope... when you live a life like this.. what else is there, but to keep oneself from dying?

since he believes in this, the only thing he can do within his own power (and not by God's) is to turn to the darker forces (feng shui, tui la, Buddhism, mysticism, chanting, etc...) to heal my aunt... this is his last resort... Western medicine shows that she is in palliative care (i.e. meaning.. she's not going to get better, she's going to die, all western doctors can do for her now is to alleviate some of her pain, but the end is near)... Chinese medicine shows that she is incurable (chinese medicine acknowledges they cannot fight brain cancer).... so does that "natural therapist/feng shui" work? apparently.. that retarded therapist has 100% guaranteed that my aunt will be healed from her lung and brain cancer.... so in order for this to happen, she must surrender herself to the therapist (and NOT GOD), not allowed to see any Chinese and western doctors, no brain scans, no medicine, no poor feng shui, and a very very restrictive diet (no wheat, no meat, no dairy, restricted veggies, restricted fruits, no Chinese medicine, no medicine.. the list goes on and on.... )... and on top of that, some really weird (and not medically proven) "natural pushing techniques" on certain areas of her body...

okay.. so i can buy that some of the natural therapy will work to release tension in your body, at certain pressure points, bla bla bla.. but to cure cancer? hell no! and WTH is up with those therapists attributing all the really bad side effects (i.e. dizziness, lost consciousness, no appetite, loss of verbal abilties, weakness, can't stand, can't walk, can't talk, massive pains, constant vomiting) to the therapy working to get rid of her toxins which they say is a great thing... when really, its just making her die quicker.... in more pain too... so if she ever has a good day, the therapists attribute all that to the therapy working.. and they won't even let her see any doctors, or even get a brain scan to see if the brain tumors got bigger or smaller.. or let her get any blood work done to see if she's horribly deficient in the necessary nutrients... and they also add all this stupid feng shui stuff to it..

ugh.. i get so frustrated and sad and really just plain heartbroken healing of how my uncle and other members of my family are buying into all this crap.. into the lies, the deception.. and really, they've made an idol out of this natural therapist..

I re-iterate the words of my mom's last email to me:

"Our God is a jealous and holy God, He hates idolatry.
This alternative therapist has become an idol in their lives, they are treating everything He says as the absolute truth and following it blindly as if He is GOD.
I can only pray for God's mercy and grace ,that God will not judge them but deliver them from this deception and bring healing and peace to their mind, body and spirit."

I think of those Old Testament days, back when the Israelites rebelled against God.. and they turned to false idols and other forms of worship of false gods... and what did God do? He punished them, for he is a holy and just God. I feel as if my family is in for it as they are turning far far away from Him... my uncle is a non-believer, so that complicates everything...

i hear my mom share about what my auntie rebecca needs... which is love... i think they say it is scientifically proven that when cancer patients feel loved and in return not stressed, they have a higher chance of fighting the cancer... i almost cried today as my mom shared about how love-less certain family members are towards her... and how it hurts her, how she doesn't smile when certain family members are around.. and that really just breaks my heart... in one's dying moments, people need to be re-assured that they are loved, not only by people, but by God Himself!

In one's dying moments, people need to know and believe fervently that there is no fear in death... that Christ's death on the cross conquered the death in our lives... that dying on earth is only a necessary and joyous step pathway towards meeting forever with God and being with Him in heaven for the rest of eternity where there is no suffering... that God is a loving God, that He is not cruel, that He cares for all of our needs, that He is our source of strength.. that He gives hope to the lost, that He is Sovereign and Lord over all (even death!), that He is more powerful than anything or anyone on this earth, that He is the beginning and he is the end, that He's woven each step of our lives which is unfolding second by second of His plan for our lives... that HE HAS CONQUERED DEATH!

I am ready for my aunt to die... I actually would prefer her to die sooner so that she can be with God sooner, instead of suffering here on earth, instead of being tempted by satan to lose faith in Him in her dying moments... I really desire for her to be close to God again in her final days so that the love, the eternal joy, the hope, and the power of God can transform her life even as she is about to die...

please pray for our family... esp for my non-believing uncle who makes all the decisions about my aunt's condition now so that he can be convicted by God to turn away from the false prophets who bring false hope of healing for the cancer... for my non believing relatives so that they would not be fooled by the deception of the therapist, and for my believing relatives, especially my parents are they are in HK now so that they can be a strong and bold witness and ambassador of Christ as they pray over and watch over my aunt.

It is in God's hands. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below, Praise Him above the heavenly hosts, Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

2008-11-25T19:34:00.002-05:00

5 Months Later...

what has happened since the last time i logged in? lots =)

- completed masters
- studied intensely for a month for the UFE
- wrote the UFE
- flew to HK/Japan for a month long vacation
- spent a week in TO with Alexis
- started work at KPMG

what's still to come?

- lots of work events in the next month and work training events
- finding out the UFE results on Dec 5
- holiday season

where am i now?

1) figuring out where is my spiritual community - kainos/barnabas/rhccc/elsewhere?

i guess after having a lack of spiritual community for the past, well 2 years almost.. (since the end of 3B term in loo), its about time to go purposefully seek spiritual community... i'm determined this time around...

i'm still so lost tho... the kainos fellowship at rhccc, well it seems catered towards more younger university students (nothing against that), but i'm at a different stage of life now... doesn't quite seem to fit and its not quite challenging enough in a spiritual growth sense...

the barnabas fellowship at rhccc, hahah well i'm definitely the youngest one by far by about 5 years hahahha its quite a change from being the oldest to being the youngest.. but that's okay :) i like getting to know people older than me with more experience to share... its been a struggle to initiate deeper conversations.. the atmosphere is quite intimidating in an unwelcoming sense.. but i've got to give it more chances, i've only been there twice...

well.. how about rhccc in general? i've kept this decision looming in the back of my mind for the past... 5 years!~ haahah sad... but true... is this where God wants me? it's a big church, +4K people attending on any given Sunday... multiple services, its easy to get lost in the crowd... every previous work term back home, has been a struggle, but i've always thought, it's okay, i'll be back to watelroo within a few short months, just hang in there and things will get better... now that i'm back for good, and no plans to leave toronto in the next few years, this is the time to re-evaluate, or evaluate rather, what makes a Church...

when do you decide you need to find a new Church?
the Church is His body of believers, united through our faith in God...there cannot be anything in this world that can break that bond of believers...

then, why leave?

you've heard the phrase "church shopping", its the honest truth of the matter... where is the line drawn between church shopping and finding spiritual community/growth/feeding/service?

i'm not going to complain/critique rhccc, i have my beliefs that have been built and refined over hte past 5 years of attending rhccc... and as the months progress, and June hits, i'll be in a whole new situation with Alexis moving over and a new perspective.... one where we need to be looking for a Chruch and spiritual community together and a place to settle down together... where?

only God knows... even though i am rather confused and lost about all this.... i can't help but think that in the mysteriousness of His will, it comes hand in hand with His insurmountable power, His eternal Sovereignty... and by that, it reveals just how amazing He is... He always reminds me that He works for good of those who love Him... and so, admist all the unanswered questions, there is peace.... and contentment even tho i yearn for His will to unfold in my life... kind of an oxymoron... but that's life :)

2008-06-14T21:50:00.002-04:00

Rightly Taught and Disciplined

I was reading the 2nd chapter of the Richard Foster book i'm reading now.. and i loveeeeed this quote.... to provide some context, Foster is talking about the fact that believers can be called into positions of power, wealth, and influence.. but in order to do so, we have to be "rightly taught and disciplined"... this is his explanation on what it means to be rightly taught and disciplined -->

"We need instruction on how to possess money without being possessed by money. We need help to learn how to own things without treasuring them. We need the disciplines that will allow us to live simply while managing great wealth and power."

so true!

2008-06-07T17:56:00.003-04:00

Money - God's ownership, not ours

here's an excerpt from the book i'm reading now by Richard Foster - The Challenge of the Disciplined Life - Christian Reflections on money, sex, and power

"We badly need a conversion in our understanding of ownership. Perhaps we need to stamp everything in our possession with the reminder "Given by God, owned by God, and to be used for the purposes of God." We need to find ways to remind ourselves over and over again that the earth is the Lord's, not ours."

i think personally, this is smthg that I haven't thought about in a longgg time... it's a simple truth, yet i think it's hard to live out...i think of all the things i own (car, clothes, school stuff, money, etc) and really, how often do i consciously remember that it is given by God, owned by God, and to be used for God's purposes? It's hard... i think it definitely brings a different perspective on going shopping as i love to do... and also on the things i own...

it was also very interesting...cuz Richard Foster also said that in order to act upon the biblical call to faithfulness wrt our money, we need to understand with feelings that have shaped our understanding of money. One of these things he mentioned was that "by a conscious act of the will, let us stop denying our wealth."

i like Foster, he's very straight-forward, to the point, and he hits you hard with truths...

he's advised us to stop comparing our own wealth to others like ourselves, so that we can claim comparative poverty, but rather we should become world citizens, looking at ourselves i relation to all humanity..

more from Foster -->

random stat --> those who own a home are among top 95% wealthy people in the world

he goes on to list a bunch of other things, like the fact that altho we have a difficult time balancing our own budgets, we are among the very wealthy..

"but please note that this is not intended to make us feel guilty; it is intended to help us capture an accurate picture of the real situation in the world. We are wealthy. The very fact that we have leisure time to read a book or watch television means that we are wealthy. We do not need to be ashamed of our wealth or try to hide it from ourselves and others. It is only as we admit our wealth and quit trying to run from it that we are in a position to conquer it and use it for God's purposes."

sooo interesting eh? as i typed that quote above, it really brings to light my own personal wealth situation... i'm in my Masters of Accounting, gonna write my UFE in Sept and hopefully get my CA, will be making good money once i graduate... in addition, i remember so many times, especially during the few beginning years of university..i was actually ashamed to bring people to my house because I didn't want people to know of my family's wealth and I didn't want people to view me differently as a "rich, spoiled girl"... little did i realize that in doing so, i was inadvertently trying to hide my wealth... which is exactly what Foster is warning us not to do!

i think today's readings have been a very good reminder to conquer my ashamed attitude towards my wealth and now step forward to use it for God's good purposes.

the past few months, God has been shaping me and challenging me to give more to church, to charities, to friends going away on missions, to my sponsor kids, etc... and i think the missing link that now i've come to grips with is really admitting my wealth. Thanks God =)

2008-06-01T22:00:00.002-04:00

God of Justice (Tom Hughes)

"God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord"

----

i heard this song for the first time at church today and i really really like the words... it hink it really captivates what God has been speaking to me recently.. i think the chorus is so simple, yet so profound..... so genuine... very honest.. seeking to be used by and for the Lord.
--> We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

it is my prayer, move me into acion and go do the work of God.

2008-05-23T16:23:00.003-04:00

New Term - New Beginnings

haha, the title sounds very corny =) but i like it :)

I think, God has really blessed me this term and He has given me the gift of community again this term... that gift has been taken back for quite a few terms now... almost 2 years, but now, it's almost as if, God was asking me to trust Him in the times where spiritual community was lacking... and in the end, God is always faithful.. He always listens, always hears, always follows through on His promises to us...

this term, i've kinda been given this new burst of hope and passion for being athletic =) and God is showing me so many lessons through the life example of keeping fit.

Discipline... when we are disciplined with our readings, our prayers, and our love for the world (including the nations, our nation, our community, our friends, our family, and yes, even ourselves), God blesses us with passion and He rewards us with an even closer relationship with Him.. the difference between a Spirit-led life and one which is self-led is so apparent.

I pray and hope that my life is Spirit-led and focused solely on God. This is how we overcome the problems that arise in our lives... this is why we have hope despite such a pain-stricken world filled with natural disasters as of late...

I want to have more of God in me and I'm praying continually that God will continue to convict me over and over again, each and every day to love this world and everyone in it. It starts with the hardest things... things like reading the news, and not just reading it for the sake of reading it, or cuz i'm bored, or simply out of practice.. but reading it to learn of what my community's needs are, what my nation's needs are, what my world's needs are... with disasters occuring in Sichuan, China, and Myanmar (Burma), it is so easy to just keep in touch with the news just to know what's going on and to forget to pray for our neighbours. Furthermore, it's supremely easy to forget the needs of our own nation in the midst of such travesties abroad.

i must confess that i am horrible at praying for my nation and the world in which I live in... it comes in spurts, here and there... and a huge apathetic perspective written all over me. I forget that God not only loves me and those i know personally, but my God is the same God who cares for those people across the globe. How can my own needs (i.e. getting thru Masters, passing the UFE, working, etc.) surpass in importance things like... not having a home to live in anymore, possible health epidemics at the cause of unclean shelters and living conditions, child-rape, child prostitutes, little boys of 10 holding guns and shooting people with them...

God tells us not to be discouraged at all these saddening things that go on daily in our world... right now, i'm not sure what makes me sadder... the fact that these things happen on a daily basis unnoticed, or the fact that many of my fellow Christian brothers and sisters don't care and don't pray.... i think that this area is a deadly spiritual battleground that Christians in North America tend to forget... with us being so focused on our immediate community needs... do not give up the fight.

in other news,

super thankful that I have people here to keep me on track and accountable =) weekly jog and prayer meetings :)

2008-05-04T21:48:00.002-04:00

7 GLOBAL PRAYER PROMISES

Sunday Sermon Notes =)

Matthew 9:37-38
"Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."

John 4:34
"My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work."

Introduction: What happens when we pray for the world?

1. God is glorified as we obey His command to pray for leaders and governments and nations.

See 1 Thimothy 2:1-2 --> "1I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone— 2for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3This is good, and pleases God our Savior."

this is definitely smthg that I haven't been doing very often at all..today was such a good reminder... i really feel convicted to be praying for my leaders and government in Canada..

2. We follow the example of the early Christians who made this a practice in their group worship and personal devotional life.

See Acts 13 --> where the early church in Antioch sent away Barnabas and Paul to do the work of God through evangelism...

the pastor today spoke about how so often, we don't think of global needs as having high priority since we have our own needs (in Toronto, or wherever we live).. and that fills up so much of our time anyways... then the pastor contrasted how even tho the early church in Antioch was a huge spiritual battleground for early believers, it was still very important to send off ministry workers elsewhere to spread the Gospel... very good point!

3. An actual difference is made in the life and welfare of the nations.

The pastor had 2 really really amazing God events =)
a) he was talking about how in a little town in North Carolina, a group of Christian businessmen and politicians gathered together on a regular basis to pray that God would use one person from their city to impact the world for His Kingdom... and a few years later, Billy Graham accepted Christ in this town and we know that Billy Graham is the person who has evangelized to the most people in history. His legacy even lives on through his son Franklin Graham and their ministries combined have been very fruitful for God =) Amazing! because of the faithful prayers of a few businessmen and politicians =)
b) he was also talking about the country of Uganda... how there used to be tonz of war, violence, corruption, etc. but through much prayer, Uganda is now a country founded on Christian principles where even government officials gather together on a regular basis to pray and seek guidance from God. amazing!!!!!!!! Uganda's population is 80% Christian now =)

4. We are led beyond politics and geography to focus on the people and nations.

5. We engage in effective spiritual warfare.

in other words, praying for the world pushes back darkness!
The pastor was sharing this testimony where in the Netherlands, a local Christian youth organization built a church in between a satanic church and a prostitute house. that is how powerful our God is!!!!

6. Our hearts and minds are broadened.

it's interesting, cuz the pastor Dr. John Hull used to be the senior pastor of People's Church in Toronto for a number of years, and how he speaks globally and lives permanently in Atlanta... and he was saying that living in Toronto gave his children such a firm foundation to reach out to foreign countries because Toronto is so multi-cultural.. that was a very interesting point.. i began to think that perhaps i am keeping myself locked up in this chinese circle of friends i have now... and that i really need to push myself to take advantage of the opportunity I have in living in Toronto... and learning more about other cultures, ethnicities, etc.

7. We are drawn toward Christian activism.

The pastor had this GREAT analogy... he equated Christians to a football field. So, there are 22 players on the football field who need and rely on each other and then there are 70,000 people in the stands/stadium needing exercise. wow. what a thought-provoking analogy.. how in north america, there are soo many so called "christians" by name... and such a few small percentage are actually active in their faith in God and the rest of us desperately need to undergo spiritual exercise to live out the faith...

Conclusion: When we engage in prayer for the nations, we become "difference makers" in the lives of people we will never see.

----

so that's the end of the sermon notes and my side-notes on them... yeah, needless to say, God really convicted my heart today as I sat through the sermon... I'm really thankful that God gave me this opportunity to hear the message today at rhccc... it's exactly what I was praying to God about during the communion before the sermon started, that God would empower me to pray more fervently and faithfully... as i have been slacking on prayer for the last while... in just a few minutes, God has really re-fueled this passion within me... =)

in other news, i'm so excited for a new opportunity to consistently pray with one of my classmates this term :) I hope that we'll be a good source of support for each other during the next few months leading up to the ufe... it'll be a brutal time... but yeah, God works in so many amazing ways =)

2008-02-14T17:27:00.002-05:00

Reading Week

my external reporting prof reminded me of something in today's class... i am a quarter done masters! hahahhah yayyyyy =)

it made me feel that much better knowing that i'm a quarter done.. hahahha numbers makes things more alive... it makes things a lot more bearable..

this week has been pretty good so far... i think the main difference has really been because each day, I've dedicated the day to God... and give it all over to Him.... all that i have to deal with eveyrday... and even tho sleep wasn't htat good, I was okay the next day...

God's provision and His power is amazing.. the way He comforts me... the way He brings rest and peace to my mind... the way He calms me down.. the way He reminds me that He alone is God....

thank you all for your prayers.... God really has answered them =) time for reading week :)

2008-02-11T11:42:00.000-05:00

Is Your Mind Stayed on God?

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You —Isaiah 26:3

Is your mind stayed on God or is it starved? Starvation of the mind, caused by neglect, is one of the chief sources of exhaustion and weakness in a servant’s life. If you have never used your mind to place yourself before God, begin to do it now. There is no reason to wait for God to come to you. You must turn your thoughts and your eyes away from the face of idols and look to Him and be saved (see Isaiah 45:22 ).

Your mind is the greatest gift God has given you and it ought to be devoted entirely to Him. You should seek to be "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ . . ." ( 2 Corinthians 10:5 ). This will be one of the greatest assets of your faith when a time of trial comes, because then your faith and the Spirit of God will work together. When you have thoughts and ideas that are worthy of credit to God, learn to compare and associate them with all that happens in nature-the rising and the setting of the sun, the shining of the moon and the stars, and the changing of the seasons. You will begin to see that your thoughts are from God as well, and your mind will no longer be at the mercy of your impulsive thinking, but will always be used in service to God.

"We have sinned with our fathers . . . [and] . . . did not remember . . ." ( Psalm 106:6-7 ). Then prod your memory and wake up immediately. Don’t say to yourself, "But God is not talking to me right now." He ought to be. Remember whose you are and whom you serve. Encourage yourself to remember, and your affection for God will increase tenfold. Your mind will no longer be starved, but will be quick and enthusiastic, and your hope will be inexpressibly bright.

-- the Utmost for His Highest --

i think this devotional is a very great reminder is what I need to do every single day... so this morning, even after the crappiest sleeping night, my mind is stayed on God.. on His faithfulness... i will not be weak or exhausted due to my mind not focusing on Him...

determined.

2008-02-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

It's 10:45pm... same time, every single night

So it's 10:45pm... and while that may not seem like a very important time of the day, it is one of the most crucial to me..

it's been over 5 months and i think it's okay to be frustrated... i'm trying my hardest to be patient and understanding... i've adjusted myself to certain things.. through God's strength, I've been able to express more of myself and say things...

at what point in time do you ever think.... i've heard so many sorry's without a change of action... am i being judgemental? am i being a hypocryte?

at what point do you give up? at what point do you feel like you're just the queen of nagging and annoyance?

breathe. God is always in control and He is watching out for me.. He knows my needs and He brings me comfort and strength and PERSEVERANCE to last through these next few months..

considerate... what type of character trait is considerateness? it is not to be taken for granted just because you, or some other people you know are considerate... why are some people inconsiderate? the hurts and trials placed on me by others... it's not like they are personally targeting me and trying to make life difficult for me.. that's just mean... but i think it's more of.. not thinking about others and only thinking about oneself...

and in saying this... am i being really selfish? i yearn to have that self-less nature of Christ... to have His love in me so that I can share it with others... to be able to sacrifice for the sake of my King...

to what extent? to whatever God calls me to is the easy answer... yet... what about basic physical needs? like thinking about maslow's hierarchy of needs, this falls within level 1 or 2 on the very bottom... yet at the same time, God is the one who fills my needs.. He is the one who gives me everything that I need...

discipline... it's funny... God uses one of my strengths to teach me about one of my weaknesses...

i will always have a hard time understanding things that lack discipline... in anything, it's always easier to identify with one who has dealt with similar things and has the same characteristics as you do.. so this is how God wants to teach me patience...

neways... this blog is going to remind me that at 10:45pm every single night... that God is in control and that He will watch out for me and take care of me... and it is a reminder to be patient and to try to persevere...

Lord, please watch over this situation.

2008-02-02T11:50:00.000-05:00

Today - Brian Doerksen

Chorus:
Today I choose to follow you
Today I choose to give my yes to u
Today I choose to hear your voice and live
Today I choose to follow you

Verse:
As for me and my house
we will serve you
as for me and my house
we will spend our lives on you

(Repeat chorus and Verse)

Chorus

Bridge:
Wonderful counselor , Everlasting Father
Eternal King , Lord of hosts
willingly we follow

-----

Each day brings a fresh start --> another day of deliberately choosing to follow Christ =)

i think this song is a great reminder for me, especially on those days like today where i barely got any sleep, and when schoolwork really starts honing in on me...

what is the first thing i think of when i wake up?

is it --> Today I choose to follow you
Today I choose to give my yes to u
Today I choose to hear your voice and live
Today I choose to follow you

or is it smthg a lot more whiny while complaining about how tired i am and the horrible sleep i got the night before... hmmm.. haha u know which one i usually end up following sadly..

so here it is... today, Saturday, February 2, 2008, i CHOOSE to follow God and to hear His voice and live in His name

may He be exalted and lifted high =)

----

still listening to radio stream-ed music from winamp...

i came across this song...

From The Inside Out

by Hillsong United

album: United We Stand (2006)

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

2008-01-29T22:53:00.000-05:00

All I Need is You - Hillsongs

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

-----

all I need is You Lord....

2008-01-24T12:16:00.000-05:00

It's almost the weekend =)

i've got 1.5 more hrs of class and then it's the weekend =) it'll be a pretty busy one.. esp with the mandatory IT session Saturday 9:30am - 5pm... brutal..haha i don't think i've ever sat thru smthg quite so long esp about IT.. hahah my "favourite" subject.. lol... and then yeah... starting today and most of tmr, i'll be individually group-projecting..and then meeting together with my group on Sunday hopefully to amalgamate it and finish it off =) and then a whole other week for tax project... yup yup... it's gonna be hectic pretty soon...

i wanna make sure that before all that happens, i start off on the right foot.. with my ears listening and my attention focused on Him... with a giving up of control over to Him.. not only do I need Him to get me thru, I want His strong presence everyday, at every hour, every minute of my life...

i've read 1 chapter of this new book i picked up recently... about skeptics... it's quite an easy read..but the first chapter was kinda intersting.. it talked about people being skeptical of my faith because "they're not the religious kind"... i don't blame people for thinking this way... i can see why religious people don't appear to have it all together... why we can be seen as hypocrites... it's a hard reputation to try to overcome.... i'll try to do my part... and that starts with admitting my own faults and asking God to change me...

well... hahah here's fault #1... i can have a tendency to stress a lot about certain things and get overwhelmed... yup so i think that's a major stumbling block for me over the recent few months and terms... God, in His great love for me, continues to remind me everyday that He's got things under control and for me to relax and to trust in Him =)

nehoos..gotta get ready for class... weekend... here i come!

2008-01-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

Welcome to 2008

time passes by within the blink of an eye... it really does..

so it's January 16, 2008 and it's been over 2 months since my last post..which is so rare for me... lots of things have been going on since i last blogged.. well for 1, God brought me thru my undergrad and i'm not in my first term of masters... so that's a huge blessing right there... He's been watching faithfully over me during these past 5 years at UW...

i find myself back in waterloo... and even though i haven't completed the first 2 weeks of class, it's extrmeely noticeable how different masters is compared to undergrad.. i'm taking 4 courses with a total of 9 group projects this term... yesterday night 11pm marked the deadline of project 1, so 8 more to go..

it's been a struggle for me already to handle school and not get too stressed out... some things in this program really stretch me to my limits and forces me to focus on God to overcome my weaknesses... i know that God is in control and that my academic endeavours first and foremost are for God... to be a Christ ambassador.. to honour Him with my thoughts and actions... to do my best for His glory... and to relinquish control over my life to His will..

the past few days, i've had those "head feels heavy days"... it's been a long while since i last had those... and in the end... God takes it away... He reminds me of His promises and i learn more about His character... i admit my faults and try to change...

life is short... God can take it away at any time... am i not ready to accept it when loved ones die?

i must be obedient to the ministries He's called me to..and be humble enough to listen for His answer... and trust Him that when He says that everything's gonna be alright and He's got everything in control... that He will indeed...

God answers all prayer... He has the power to heal broken people, church politics, wrong decisions...

illogical? yes.. but things in this world cannot be all confined through the rules of logic...

newayz.. this is coooool!!!! -->

The Top Ten Predictions for 2008

1. The Bible will still have all the answers
2. Prayer will still work
3. The Holy Spirit will still move
4. God will still inhabit the praises of his people
5. There will still be God-anointed preaching
6. There will still be singing of praise to God
7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people
8. There will still be room at the Cross
9. Jesus will still love you
10. Jesus will still save the lost

2007-11-05T11:54:00.000-05:00

My Utmost for His Highest for today

"Are we partakers of Christ’s sufferings? Are we prepared for God to stamp out our personal ambitions? Are we prepared for God to destroy our individual decisions by supernaturally transforming them? It will mean not knowing why God is taking us that way, because knowing would make us spiritually proud. We never realize at the time what God is putting us through— we go through it more or less without understanding. Then suddenly we come to a place of enlightenment, and realize— "God has strengthened me and I didn’t even know it!"

thoughts

knowing exactly why God bring us thru trials makes us spiritually proud? that is a new thought... hmm... it still hasnt' quite sunk in yet tho.. but yeah..

it hink that does happen to me a lot... the whole "God has strenghthened me and i didnt' even know it" feeling... i think it only comes upon reallly taking time out from my busy life and dedicating time to Him to examine and reflect upon His most recent presence in my life.. and thanking Him for it... thanking Him for helping me get thru the first 2 months of my 4B... for helping me with applying for masters... for helping me deal with all the projects, schoolwork, midterms... for giving me a sense of peace... yeah i think even tho i've been dealing with the lack of sleep this term... He has strengthened me thru it.. built more endurance...built more willpower to survive and thrive...

yeah..okay that is all =)

2007-10-31T15:57:00.001-04:00

My Utmost for His Highest

I was browsing online right before my group project meeting in 3 minutes..and i stumbled upon this...

October 31, 2007

The Trail of Faith

If you have faith as a mustard seed . . . nothing will be impossible for you —Matthew 17:20

We have the idea that God rewards us for our faith, and it may be so in the initial stages. But we do not earn anything through faith— faith brings us into the right relationship with God and gives Him His opportunity to work. Yet God frequently has to knock the bottom out of your experience as His saint to get you in direct contact with Himself. God wants you to understand that it is a life of faith, not a life of emotional enjoyment of His blessings. The beginning of your life of faith was very narrow and intense, centered around a small amount of experience that had as much emotion as faith in it, and it was full of light and sweetness. Then God withdrew His conscious blessings to teach you to "walk by faith" ( 2 Corinthians 5:7 ). And you are worth much more to Him now than you were in your days of conscious delight with your thrilling testimony.

Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God’s character must be proven as trustworthy in our own minds. Faith being worked out into reality must experience times of unbroken isolation. Never confuse the trial of faith with the ordinary discipline of life, because a great deal of what we call the trial of faith is the inevitable result of being alive. Faith, as the Bible teaches it, is faith in God coming against everything that contradicts Him— a faith that says, "I will remain true to God’s character whatever He may do." The highest and the greatest expression of faith in the whole Bible is— "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" ( Job 13:15 ).

2007-10-22T20:45:00.000-04:00

Ventage

okay =) here we gooooooooo. ready. set. go =)

Self Characteristics:
- i have great difficulties saying things to "stick up for my rights" in times where i don't want to offend others or i feel like i'm too demanding
- i like to vent online; many times, i even prefer to vent online to verbally venting
- when i vent verbally, the rate at which i speak can increase two-fold or even three-fold if i'm really agitated
- for things, usually i just let them go.. but i guess if they recur over and over again, things add up and it's at this time, when i know i need to say smthg.
- when i do say smthg, i am very careful to say things nicely, not to offend the other person.

Thoughts in my brain when venting:
- a constant interaction between faith and trust in God and the crappy situation at hand.
- i will vent because i need to get it all out
- as a background underlying my ventage, i have the sure foundation of Christ there as well.
- I know that God is in control and that He works for the good of those who love Him
- I know that God is omnipotent and He hears all of our prayers
- I know i will accept whatever He gives me and will try to honour Him in all circumstances.
- so as a step to gaining clarity and peace, I need to vent... and once that's done, God constantly reassures me of His presence in my life and He gives me understanding.
- He takes out the worry and replaces it with the surety of unbreakable faith and trust in my God and Saviour.

am i bottler? i don't really think so. People will know when things bother me. It's not hard to tell. I don't try hard to hide it; there's no reason to. That being said, don't be scared off by my venting. All i ask is for a listening ear, one who understands. Thank you for sticking up with me. God bless you all for caring for me.

2007-10-07T21:39:00.000-04:00

The Fruit of Gentleness

I've almost gone thru all of Jerry Bridges' The Fruitful Life and was reading the chapter on the fruit of gentleness..and it really stuck out to me.. I'm going to copy what he says in the book...

------

Treating Others Gently:

"A profile of gentleness as it should appear in our lives will first include actively seeking to make others feel at ease, or "restful," in our presence. We should not be so strongly opinionated or dogmatic that others are afraid to express their opinions in our presence. Instead, we should be sensitive to others' opinions and ideas. We should also avoid displaying our commitment to Christina discipleship in such a way as to make others feel guilty, taking care not to break the bruised reed of the hurting Christian or snuff out the smoldering wick of the immature Christian.

Second, gentleness will demonstrate respect for the personal dignity of the other person. Where necessary, it will seek to change a wrong opinion or attitude by persuasion and kindness, not by domineering or intimidation. It will studiously avoid coercion by threatening, either directly or indirectly.

Gentleness will also avoid blunt speech and an abrupt manner, instead seeking to answer everyone with sensitivity and respect, ready to show consideration toward all. Gentle Christians do not feel they have the liberty to "say what I think and let the chips fall where they may." Instead they are sensitive to the reactions of others to their words, and considerate of how others may feel about what they say. When gentle Christians find it necessary to wound with words, they also seek to bind up those wounds with words of consolation and encouragement.

Gentle Christians will not feel threatened by opposition or resent those who oppose them. Instead, they will seek to gently instruct, looking to God to dissolve the opposition, just as Paul taught Timothy to do in chapter 2 of his second letter.

Finally, gentle Christians will not degrade or belittle or gossip about the brother or sister who falls into some sin. Instead they will grieve for him or her and pray for that person's repentance. If it is appropriate to become personally involved with the erring brother or sister, they will seek to restore him or her gently, as Paul instructs us in Galations 6, aware that they too are subject to temptation.

Christians who truly seek to obey God through gentle character will actively pursue gentleness, striving to clothe themselves with it. They will place this godly virtue high on their list of spiritual traits and look to God the Holy Spirit to produce this fruit in their life."

------

wowwww...isn't that sooooo coool??? i was reading it and i thought to myself... wow... it's just so good! i really agree with Bridges when he says in like the first page of this chapter..that usually, when people think of the fruit of the spirit, they think of like the "main ones" or the fact that people tend to pray for patience, love, purity, and self-control... but how many people pray for gentleness? such a good point i think =)

sometimes i kinda think that... people often wish not to be gentle as Bridges describes this fruit.. they wish to be "strong", "fierce", and most of all influential... and i really believe that they mean well and they do so in order to care fore other believers, but maybe more often than not, ppl can be intimidated... haha i'll be the first to admit that i do get intimidated a bit by people who exhibit those kinda characteristic traits... it's true...i feel as if my opinion is not as important as theirs..and hey must know all b/c they are more mature Christians than i am... but in the end, i know that's not really the way i'm supposed to feel...

so i hope that i can be really careful with that i say.. and that i can really be sensitive...and gentle.

2007-10-06T15:47:00.000-04:00

Interesting news article =)

From --> http://www.canada.com/topics/news/national/story.html?id=770369d2-028d-429d-b1c4-6b4b2c449337&k=8723

The report, called the National Study on Balancing Work, Family and Lifestyle, found that 60 per cent of Canadian workers suffer from high levels of "role overload," or stress from trying to balance work and family commitments.

Those falling in that category are 13 times more likely to consider quitting because of unrealistic work demands, 12 times more likely to report burnout, six times more likely to report high levels of job stress, four times more likely to be absent because of physical illness and three times more likely to be depressed.

----

wow..that is pretty sad... that is NOT going to be my life as a future accountant God-willing.

2007-10-03T13:43:00.000-04:00

Evil vs. Love....

i've been taking these 2 DE courses this term: RS100L Evil and RS100M Love and Friendship... hahah quite the two contrasting courses i'ld say... and i think... it's these psychology and religious study courses which really make me aware of how depraved we humans are... and how much we need to be infused with God's love in us and spread that to whoever we get a chance to...

so i was doing my normal read up of google news...and i stumbled upon this article

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20071003.DALLAIRE03/TPStory/National

in short, it talks about this Cdn. ex-United Nations head who was sent over to Rwanda during the times of the ethnic genocide in 1994. This is the first time this Cdn will testify in court and attest to the dehumanizing crimes he witnessed to firsthand...

i was reading this article... and i was overcome with these feelings in which i can't really even grasp... but i can try =)

so first off... i've finished all the lectures for the Evil course... and i've learnt about capital punishment, the Holocaust, the Spaniards Invasion, inequality and pain inflicted upon the poor and those of different ethnicity in the name of "God"... etc... and as i read this article, i am reminded of how evil we human beings can really be... how we can be so hateful... and not even that, but misuse the creativity God has given us to create weapons of mass destruction, to create new ways of killing people... i'm reminded of our inward sinful nature that beckons to us and tries to convince us that we are better than others... the whole "us" vs. "them" mentality... as opposed to the "we" mentality of equality amongst all of His creation...

what drives us? what drove these Hutu Rwandans to kill these Tutsi Rwandans? hate? fear? anger? insecurity? abusive power? fun? selfishness? contempt? grudges?

altho this massive atrocity occurred over a decade ago, the problem does not dissipate ... the problem remains in the fact that history has proven that we humans are driven towards using violence as a means of solving conflict with each other... we [in the general sense] actively engage in hate crimes against each other... and what about us Cdn or US civilians to sit in our comfy chairs at home listening to the news? we sit there... and we kinda stare in horror at what goes on in other parts of the "lesser-known" world to us... or better yet, we choose to change the channel from the daily news at 7 to our favourite new sitcom or drama series....

this... attitude.... this.... insensitivity.... this thinking that those atrocities are so far away from my own life... dare i say... apathy?

not judging... i only can lay claim to these criticism to myself...cuz i admit, I've done it before so many times... or how about even the times i choose to go on Facebook instead of catching up on the news... and praying for them...

neways... the only word that comes up to my mind is... URGENCY.

God desperately wants me to be praying for the hurt, the less fortunate, the poor, the struggling, the abused, the neglected, the LOST ... the world is so much larger than just AFM, my job, my work and study peers, my friends, CCF, my immediate family, my extended family...
haha...yeah...so better get on it =) social justice in the name of God.

2007-10-01T22:19:00.000-04:00

Love

I'm currently reading "The Fruitful Life" by Jerry Bridges... and i was reading the chapter on the first fruit of the Spirit --> Love.

i found this particularly interesting.. 1 Corinthians 13 paraphrased in motivational statements:

This is a paraphrase from Bridge's perspective:

I am patient with you because I love you and want to forgive you.
I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.
I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you and want you to have the best.
I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.
I am not proud because I love you and want to esteem you before myself.
I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.
I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.
I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.
I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you, and "love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8)

interesting eh..

now for the actual Bible translation:

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

cool =) okay that's it ... gniteee

2007-09-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

Bible Readings =)

Here are the verses that stuck out to me the most from my readings tonite =)

1John 3:16-18

"16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 17If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? 18Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

i've been reminded over and over again about how important it is to defend the rights of the poor, the mistreated, the abandoned, the lonely, the outsiders, etc.

I've often heard it said that people don't want pity... yet, i'm looking at this verse, and it implies that we ought to have pity on our brothers and sisters who are poor... hmmm... how many times have i heard the phrase, "I don't want your pity. Stop pitying me." i think that we've distorted what the true meaning of pity means...

As per dictionary.com, pity = to show mercy or compassion.

but the way we see it in our society now, to be the subject of one's pity means being looked down upon... that's not even true the way pity is meant to be.. showing mercy and compassion does not include looking down on others because they are poorer (not just monetary terms, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc) than we are... sometimes it's so crazy how the meaning of words have been twisted and changed to meanings with negative connotations... it's kinda sad..

neways... random thoughts... let's love not with words, but with actions and in truth... amen to that =)

2007-09-12T17:33:00.000-04:00

Day before the presentations =)

i can see the end to the watcase!!!! =) it makes me happy to think about it... but yes... then onto th rest of the term... finish undergrad..start masters... finish masters... study for ufe..write ufe... then life will get much easier...

lots of thoughts have been in my mind these past few days... and only after a period of solitude today did i even realize these things my mind was telling me...

and the voice that repeats itself over and over again to me says, "Be strong and courageous"

i think it's one of those situations that arises and then you think...oh, i am so goin to conquer you because the Lord is on my side.... =) i really need to keep that in mind... thank you God for reminding me over and over again of all your great promises and that you never fail to keep any of them.. You've blessed me with great people in my life to remind me to continue to seek you first through it all.. You've brought me people to encourage me exactly when I need it... for this, I'm truly grateful..i know none of it comes from my own doing... and I shoudlnt' take any of it for granted either..

it's like i also hear You saying, "it's okay vanessa... i'm right here... i'm right here..."

neways.. on antoher note... i had finished reading through joshua... and i've started going through 1John yesterday... this is what stuck out to me the most...

1 JOhn 1: 5-6: "But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."

wow.... i sat there thinking yesterday nite..like holy crap... those are some high standards... esp the part where it says that we'll know we're in him when we can claim to walk as Jesus did...i dont' think i can ever claim that i can walk the same path as Jesus did... i can certainly try... but actually attaining it... i'm so far from being perfect... but yeah.. perhaps it's another one of those things that we shoudl constantly be aiming for... it almost seems like a mini-paradox to me... i 100% believe that i'm in him, but i can't claim to walk like Jesus did... i bet my theology's off somewhere... and feel free to correct me..

what does it actually mean to "walk as Jesus did?"

His words, actions, thoughts, motivations... end goal... wow... there's certainly a huge reminder eh? =)

2007-09-08T20:06:00.000-04:00

Welcome back to Waterloo...

an unfriendly welcome back...

i think it's been quite a long time since i last felt like at any moment i could really burst into tears... don't worry, i'm not sad... i think what I really need is some time with just me and God... alone... no distractions... no watcase... no school... no cleaning... no dealing with anything.. complete silence..

i think the sudden huge change from being an employee back to becoming a student has been a rather rough transition this time around...it's never really affected me much at all prior to this... i really don't even know why i am in such a blah mood these past 2 days...

and i just found out my masters might start on jan 3 since we get off school earlier in july to study for our UFE... boo.............

i think i have it again... not really thinkign of anything in general... but i just... like if i stopped trying to control it... i think the tears would come... it's at these times where my emotions sometimes really just pop out... i think it's like an amalgamation of all these different things...

and the words in my heard right now are... "i want to go home..."

homesickness already on the 2nd day here..hahahha i feel like a frosh =) i can barely control it... if amy weren't talkign to me right now about accounting stuff..i think i'ld lose it...

no more words.. qutie braindead after working 9am to 6pm today..and researching more a bit when i got home.... it's gruelling...

i'm goin to make it... in You i put my hope, in You i put my strength, in You i put my trust...in You... i think this almost even needs my Casting Crowns music... but they're in my car...hahahah accross the street... laziness... hahah

i think i'll research till 9, then call it quits for the day...

2007-07-27T13:31:00.001-04:00

Apathy vs. Hope

I've been thinking a lot the past while... and yesterday's daily readings was just another huge reminder for me --> James 1: 27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

wow...boy do i feel worked up... i dont' think iv'e ever felt this worked up about apathy before... i think it just hit me so hard what our society is like...

hahaha get ready for a huge long rant...

so... i've never been like a huge social justice person... like for the past few years, i'ld do my share in donating to good causes... but i defintiely would never be the first one to raise up my hand to give sandwiches to the homeless downtown... i think i was being apathetic in my own way... bad bad... but now, more and more, i feel the knudging of God in my heart to go out and help... do proactive things... dont' just sit there and live in my comfortable upper-middle class lifestyle... take a look around, and smell the pain in the world...

people say... "why should I donate to help people in need? It doesn't make a difference anyways. There's no way that anything anyone can do will change the fact that people die to poverty, AIDs, and starvation in 3rd world countries... I should use my money for other things with more purpose in them"

people say... "I know that global warming is a huge thing these days... it's always on the news... I'm not part of the government...i don't make or change pollution policies...the way i live life is fine just the way it is"

people say... "the world that you see is so ideal and perfect and it will never come into existence why do u even bother? I can't possibly get everyone around me to change and see things the way you do... so what's the point? Things aren't goin to get better."

people say... "if i dont' even take the time to donate to like yonge st mission in DT Toronto, why on earth would i spend money helping other people for which i feel absolutely no emotional connection with, whom i dont' even know, who live in a world that is so different than mine?"

and much much more...

i am trying to see things from your viewpoint... and i've come up with a few conclusions...

1) Time -- I find that people's concept of time is so different... like... for example, sponsoring 1 child will make no differeence because even if i sponser that one child, at the samet ime, there are tonz of people have so many babies all with no future... what's the point? It doenst' stop the probloem... whereas for me... true, u sponser one kid and meanwhile the neighbour down the "hut" could be giving birth to so many kids... BUT... u enable that one kid to have food, to have an education... to be able to have a higher chance of banking a stable job because they have acquired skills via education... you help them influence those people around them in their own community to have hope and persevere to have a better life... you can hope and pray that the future children of the child you just sponsored can have a better life too because the kid-become-parent has a better paying job... so... i find many people think of helping each other out lookign for the benefit at a particular point int ime... (say 1 year from now)... so clearly, even tho say you AND your bunch of friends all sponsor 1 kid each... obviously you aren't going to solve world hunger in 1 year... BUT... at the same time, say 50 years from now, in the next generation, you coudl have helped a whole family or community be able to fend for themselves more, be more qualified to get stable jobs, enable the Africa 50 years fromo nwo to have readily available access to birth control pills, condoms...

why is it... that when we dont' see the results of helping others that ti's like a huge barrier that keeps us from helping anyways? Like honestly.. what difference does it make if you cannot visibly see huge earth-moving change withint he span of your five years... heck, even your own lifetime? Do you not feel any obligation or no... tha'ts not the right word... do people not feel like they want to help the world to come 50-60-100 years from now? why do people not realize the mass crap they're invoking on the earth because my country leader refuses to increase the amoutn of energy we want to save, or shut down nuclear plants in lieu of more expensive yet more environemtnally friendly plants?

gosh... i dont' know what to say anymore... at times, i feel so ashamed to have been blessed wtih so much and only such a small portion of my money and prayer times go out to those outside my Waterloo, Richmond Hill, GTA community circles...

newayz...

2) Apathy... people just don't care. We live in a world where we're only out to help ourselves.. we only think of how i can rise the corporate ladder, how i can make my $millions, how i can buy a nicer car, bigger house, more brand name clothes... etc etc... so as you can see, in the midst, of taking all the "right" steps to get there, we totally have no room in my life plan scheudle to even stop and think about helping others taht are much less fortunate than we are.. heck... if anything, we'ld try not tot hink at all about those people... why? cz i've got enougho f my own problems... or what we think are problems... but i think they fail to compare with the problems of our other friends in other parts of the world... yup yup... how often do i hear the "i don't care because it doesn't affect me in any way"

ahhh.... i think more and more, i'm starting to realize how big and loving Jesus' heart really is when He cared for all the orphans, the widows, the social outcasts, the unloved, the sluts and whores.... and u knwo what? Jesus never stopped once to think about..." oh... can i fit that into my schedule? hmmm... how else could I use this $35... ewww... hang out with them? i'ld rather be caught dead than be seen with those poor people" so why are we?

compassion... Even at the foot of the cross... Jesus saw them in their sin and He had compassion on them.. wow... no wonder he's my SAVIOUR and redeemer...

sacrifice... time, money, energy, resources, u name it =)

love... yup yup, we're told to love your neighbour as yourself... well... yeah, the way I show God's love to my well off upper-middle class friend whom i have a close relationship with is way different than the way i show love to my gr 2 little sponsored boy in Indonesia whom I don't know personally at all... or even the 21 year old girl with the same birthday as me... we're similar.. kind of... except she lives in africa in a civilwar torn country...

my neighbour is still my neighbour...

Thank God i can have hope in thse times.. after all, He is the hope of all nations =)

all i can think of is this song... Hope of the Nations

Jesus hope of the nations
Jesus comfort for all who mourn
You are the source of Heaven’s hope on earth
Jesus light in the darkness
Jesus truth in each circumstance
You are the source of Heaven’s light on earth
In history You lived and died You broke the chains You rose to life

You are the hope living in us
You are the rock in whom we trust
You are the light
Shining for all the world to see
You rose from the dead conquering fear
Our Prince of Peace drawing us near
Jesus our hope living for all who will receive
Lord we believe

2007-07-03T19:58:00.001-04:00

Mortal Life~

Humans are mortal... usually people live up to 80 or 90 years old... i think today there was a sudden realization that she might be leaving us soon... a rather unnerving thought... the thoughts creep into my mind.. things like, how long... where to move... when to move... am i goin to move out and live with her... will she make it that long... i hope that her health declines at a slow pace... i don't know if i've ever really seen her so sad... tonite at the dinner table, she barely said a word... quite opposite from her usual self... and having my mom tell me that she cried earlier today when the lung specialist told her the news straight up... the whole time at the dinner table, i was thinking... she sounds like she's about to cry... it makes me sad too... it could be 3-5 years... but every person is different... and at any moment, even before that, life could cease... my mom says she plans to pretty much live life up to the fullest now that there's a vague countdown looming in the future...

life is fragile. how are you goin to make yours worthwhile... every second counts. every choice matters. i am accountable to God for every action, every thought.

We live for Him.

2007-06-17T14:55:00.000-04:00

Sabbath - Day of Rest

thinking... what does it mean to be a life witness of Christ's love? or actually moreso, what actions can you take to bring Christ's love to the lost and hurting people of this world?

sometimes people seem so different from a distance... and you only get to know these people within a limited context.. perhaps a classmate you never talk to, a co-worker you rarely work with, a far off distant family member, an elementary school friend you never keep in touch with...whomever it may be... you are only give a very strict limited context to get to know them and form some sort of idea about what they are like... what their interests and talents are...

and then God opens your eyes at various random chance occasions... and He enables you to see these people for who they really are... you catch a glimpse of their pain, their struggles, their innermost raw emotions... and it hits you so hard... these people are HURTING badly... so lost and some even searching for faith and trying so hard to hold onto something they can't see nor feel... and what can you do about it? these people are not close enough to you so that you can feel comfortable talkign with them and listening to them... since you two normally dont' talk or interact much outside of that extremely limited environment, there are little instances where you can offer a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a prayer... and yet, your heart breaks to know they are lost, angry, confused, hurt, seeking, and so in need of Christ's love to fill them... i think.. perhaps the best thing i can do now is pray for them and pray boldly... they prolly will never know, but i believe God hears our prayers and answers them.

2007-06-11T19:37:00.000-04:00

Choices

quoting my mom,

"I am a very American/Canadian woman and your dad is very traditional chinese"

sometimes i really do think the way my parents think and their mindset on life is often like night and day... which ends up in... satisfying one yet disappointing another..

it's rather interesting... to one, i appear to be independent and have a good head on my shoulders... to the other, i appear to be immature, self-centered, and naive.

often, it's like phone tag... with a messenger in the middle... obviously not the best means of communication by anyone's standard... but at the same time, it's reality

so...action items... i need to ask for.. approval... opinion... debatable points... so that i can prove that i do respect and honour...

after all these years, it's still up to me to initiate... would you not expect the parnet to initiate? in the end, it doens't matter so long as things get out in the open...

i think the thing that gets me most are those four words... "I'm disappointed in you" those words will always be hard to live down... it's almost as if i can remember each time the phone tag messenger has sent me that msg over the past 5 years... each time, i take a hit, evaluate the msg, attempt to make amends, and move on...

if that's one thing i ever learnt growing up, it's to be independent. on another note, i'm very very thankful to have huge support from the other parent... that i know i should never take for granted.

2007-06-07T18:17:00.000-04:00

Actions

many times, you never really know how your own actions & words can affect another until you somehow discover it in retrospect...

- you never know how three little words (i love you) can mean the world to someone who might not even hear those words much in their lifetime
- you never know how much a simple warm hug communicates that you care, that you support, that you love, that you cherish the time spent together with that person
- you never know how much a simple sacrifice of less sleep one night can mean light at the end of a dark tunnel for another, a glimmer of hope that someone cares for them
- you never know how much it means to listen to a few hrs of ranting so that someone feels important, feels like their life is worth smthg, feels listened to, feels comforted
- you never know how much it means to someone to ask about their day so that they know you do have a vested interest in their life
- you never know how much treating someone out for a meal can show that person that you respect them, that you love them, that you honour them
- you never know how much sitting 5 minutes in silence can mean to a person that is lost, unsure, hurt, or crying
- you never know that willingly initiating to set the table, clean up the table, & wash the dishes shows that you aren't spoiled, that you appreciate a home-cooked meal, that you want to share in people's responsibilities
- you never know how much small simple acts of kindness without ever asking for anything in return communicates a heart that's infused with God's love and gentleness
- you never know how powerful and inspiring it is to speak the words of God to others who are weary, downcast, worried, hurt, angered, alone, stressed, persevering... indeed, the word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword; it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints & marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart"
- you never know how it can change an offender to see you acceping the wrongdoings done against you, forgiving the offender, and loving the offender
- you never know how much it means to another person to know that people are praying for them because the Lord Almighty is fighting for them
- you never know if people can see Christ in you if you are unwilling to be transparent, to admit your faults, to be genuine, to actively change the worst parts of your character, to show your raw emotion even when its embarrassing, and to ask for help

is God bursting forth with every action I take, with every word I speak? Can people see the love of Jesus in my soul? Do people know that my faith in Jesus Christ affects every single thing i do in this life? Do people know that I am ultimately accountable to God?

1 Thessalonians 5: 23-24 says...
" 23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. "

~ Amen.

2007-05-19T11:37:00.001-04:00

New Post =)

it's the middle of may and i find myself sitting here finding smthg that noteworthy to share.... over these past few months, i've been really lacking the time and motivation to consistently blog... and use this tool as a method of reflection... not so good i guess..but oh well...

what's been happening lately?

haha i think work encompasses a lot these past few weeks... i've been on and off again sick..but as of late, it's actually been pretty good, so praise God =) this past week, i've been working really late hours...so most of the time, i dont' get home until past 8:30pm... and i leave y house at 7:45am everymonring to make it DT by 9 =) yeah so quite long days... not only so, the job itself is quite the challenge =) hahah that's an understatement... it's a killer job that's pretty confusing..altho i must say that i'm learning a lot of technical things =)

last weekend, i kinda was thinking about what it would be like to be a grandmother...wierd i know, but it wan't totally random =) hahaha.. it was mother's day, and my parnets were both out of the country for the past 3 weeks... and my grandma on mother's day, was complaining to me and another family friend about how unloving and uncaring her kids were to her on mother's day... about how not one of her fully grown adult kids had even bothered to ask her what she wanted for mother's day... needless to say, one of her greatest love languages was receiving gifts =) and sadly, her kids failed to realize that... i've never seen her so aggravated...and at one point in time, it seemed like she was goin to start tearing up right then and there... i think it was humbling... and it really made me appreciate more what my grandma lovingly does for me every single day since she came back to live with me and my family...

so i just got back from driving my sis to her friend's house... i've discovered that i really dislike being the discipliner of my younger sister, especially since she's not my own kid... but i've been forced to assume that role since my parents have been out of the country for the past 3 weeks..thank God they come back tmr... i don't think i can handle more of this full-time... yeah... it's like everyday i come home from work.. and my grandma gives me the daily update on how my sister's been behaving for that day (usuallly complaints lol)...about how's she was super late to school, or on the phone 24/7 since she's been home... doesn't do her hmk... or only on the computer... or telling my grandma the wrong place to pick her up from school..or other miscommunication between my grandma and my sister... or not eating dinner with the family cuz she's on the computer... things like that... and honestly, when i come home from a crazy day work... it's 8:30 pm by the time i step into the doorstep on my home.. and my grandma's telling me to talk to my sister because of her behaviour... i'm pretty plain tired... i dont' like having to be the one to tell my sister, no you can't go out at 10pm and come back at 1:30am with who knows who when you're a kid in gr 9... and then being given attitude for it... i don't like being the one that receives so much attitude, bitterness, and yelling for discipline or enforcing boundaries on a normal teenager... it's been an interesting few weeks to say the least... yeah... not fun to play "mom" and being told, "you're not mom.. stop doing that"... or aka, let me do whatever i want; you cna't stop me...

crazy world... but good learning experience i suppose... quite the handful to say the least... but i must give her some credit... after she does mouth off to me, she collects herself... and does apologize... i suppose it's the whole emotional thing again... i can definitely see how hard it is for my parents to adjust over these past few years...

in other news...

high school fellowship... so i've been helping out as a high school fellowship counsellor for hte gr 12s at my church since January... and it's been quite a different experience... definitely different than any other fellowship that i've attended myself... hahah the dynamics are very different from waterloo too.. but it's cool =) since it's a church fellowship, thepastoral team for youth usually plans out all the BIble studies and big fellowhip meetings, leaving the individual grade nights for the counsellors to prepare ontheir own... we've had a few interesting nights to date.. lots of times hanging out... i think it's taken me awhile to get used to the group dynamics... and the way in which people build up relaitonships is very different than when in waterloo... firstly, i dont' see these gr 12s every single day...so the time spent with them is actually very little.. proly just like the 2-3 hrs every week... and also, not living togehter in a student community is very different too..heheh but yeah.. it's been a challenge to really get to know the kids because of the restrictions of time spent actually getting to know them... but things are going well there =)

so i went to service today... and pastor sam was talking aobut 5 differnet ytpes of people that go to church... altho this analogy can be used in any enviornment context.... and it made me think what role i took in each area of my life...

1. VRP - "Very Resourceful Person" -- this person really knows how to ignite passion... in this context, within a church... a real go-getter and their passion just spreads like fire
2. VIP - "Very Important Person" -- this person doens't necessarily ignite passion amongst others, but they do share the passion that the VRP has within the church...
3. VTP - "Very Trainable Person" -- this person doesn't actually share the passion at first, but they are open to being trained and being made useful and serve... hence, they are able to catch the passion of the VRP and VIP
4. VNP - "Very Nice Person" -- this person is really nice... hahah that was obvious...lol... but they enjoy church... they enjoy the people there, the sermons, the ministries, etc... this category fits the majority of members of a church congregation
5. VDP - "Very Draining Person" -- this person really sucks the passion out of church..they may be very controversial and stubborn in their views...and kinda battle against other members of the church over ways things should be done, etc...

hahah the way these 5 "people types" work is... that no matter where we are on the spectrum, we always aim for the higher levels... so, if you are a VNP, you would aim to become a VTP... and so on... with VRP at the top... but usually people find that they go through these levels in sequence.. maybe wtiht he exeption of VDP...

i was sitting in sermon today, and i was thinking... which category do i fit into for each area of my life... at work, at home, at school, at fellowship, in my relationships...

haha speaking of which, this past month, i got to celebrate my 1 year anniversary =) good stuff the Lord has blessed us immensely.

hmmm...other random news... i am "trying" to use my exercise equipment more... lol... utter failure tho since i got it in february..hahah i've used it 3x so far... twice during the first week i bought the equipment...and once last week... yeah...so trying to get it up to at least once or twice a week...i think it'll help build my body up stronger...cuz we all know how weak my body is... hoepfully maybe this will help prevent me from getting sick all the time and always being so tired...imust say that it is a struggle to discipline myself to do it after waking up at 7am each day and getting home at some insane hr... but alas, these are only excuses i'm giving myself =) need to really just do it =)

recently, i've also been thinking about fellowship..not the high school one, but the a fellowship directed for people my age... i've checked out kainos a few times, but i find it really hard to commit to going without being completely drained by the end of the weekend.. it's tough... cuz when i do go, i'm out literally for 80% of the whole weekend after a tiring week of work... friday nite's dedicated to the high school fellowship... sat afternoon usually hanging out with either my sister or university/high school friends... then another fellowhsip sat nite... then sunday, church + sunday schoool, then family dinner out on sunday nite... and randomly during the week, i might meet up with a friend to catch up... so yeah, it's hard to not get that alone time on saturday night... or just to bum around at home and rest physically, mentally, etc...

it's wierd, cuz a few months ago, i was being really challenged in my faith because i was not part of a partiuclar close-knit supportive Christian community.. and now, that i have a chance to be in one, i kinda choose not to be... i've been thinking whether or not i have actual valid reasons for not going to the university/career aged fellowship on saturday night... or am i just being lazy?

i think that i've come to understand that perhaps at the point in time at my life, this is another lesson that GOd is trying to teach me... to keep trusting Him wrt fellowshpping intimatelyw ith other believers... and that now, i'm to do the things He's entrusted me to do for hte time-being... and not try to over-do it... hahah i dont' have to be superwoman... and instead of worrying about having a strong Christian support netwrk around me in TO to challenge, encourage, and support me, i should focus on deepening my own personal walk wtih Him first, strating wtih my own personal time with Him + devos + prayer... i just need to trust & obey...

hehehe.. so that song's in my ears now... lol..a pretty old school song..but good nonetheless... here's the first verse + CHorus

Trust & Obey

When we walk with the Lord
In the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will,
He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey, for there's no other way
To be happy with Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

yup yup... so yeah... that's a bit of an update on me =)

2007-04-13T11:54:00.000-04:00

It's friday =)

yes.. haha it is finally friday... normally i would be at work looking forward to resting on the weekend... today's a bit different... since yesterday afternoon, i was feeling dizzy and had a headache while i was at work... so i got home, took 2 tylenol pills and headed to bed, fully intending to go to work the next day... when i got up this morning, it was supremely hard just to get out of bed..but when i did, the nasty headache and dizzy feeling came back...so no work for me today =)

i don't quite even understand why i got sick yesterday... my health was pretty good the past 2 weeks... strong appetite, plentiful sleep, and even very low work/home stress levels... so theoretically, i should be fine =) haha.. but oh well :) it's kinda nice to get some time to myself this morning... thanks to those who have shown me repeatedly their care, especially wrt my health. i do appreciate all your concern and prayers.

it's my mom's bday on the 16th =)

okay...back to passing out =)

2007-04-02T20:17:00.000-04:00

I like silence; simplicity

silence is golden =) simplicity is rewarding =)

silence... breathe.... silence... still

i like mellow soft slow music... i like acoustic music too...i like music that is acapella... i enjoy doing nothing.. i enjoy being by myself... i enjoy reading, thinking, singing, listening to music... reflecting, praying...

i also...

enjoy laughter, upbeat music, birds chirping, the sound of spring, christmas music, the soft rumble of voices mushed together, happy people, content people, relaxed people

i think...

when my verbal abilities fade, people can read facial expressions... people can see othe'rs eyes, other's tears, other's unspoken deliberate "words"

i think all my life, i've been taught many lessons...

lesson: work hard in all you do = be the best you can be, sacrifice
lesson: persevere = you suck now, try harder
lesson: be knowledgable = you dont' know enough about this, don't be ignorant
lesson: be responsible = be clean, be tidy, be prompt, be stewardly
lesson: take care of others = talk with them, spend time with them, take them out to eat
lesson: respect me = listen to me, talk to me, dont' talk to me, say smthg, dont' say smthg
lesson: learn from role models = adopt my principles, beliefs, values, way of living, habits
lesson: have a heart of service = do things, unasked and do not expect appreciation
lesson: be a role model = you have to be a better person first, you have to be capable first

reverse psychology?

sometimes, cognition is really dangerous...

you jsut have to fight it with the truth... sometimes i get sucked into it... sometmes my emotions overflood reason, sometimes my tears jsut come without me undersatnding it.... haha but yes, not everything can be explained by human logic can it? of course not =)

sometimes i bottle away my emotions because i am so accustomed to keeping everythign inside.. but i'ld say within the past 4 months, i'm unable to do so anymore..or at least, to a lesser extent..it's a good thing =) my brain forces me to cry it out and i nkow tha tmy emotions wnat to be let out...but my logic doens' allow me to do so... it's what happens when you grow up in a very conservative traditional chinese envionrment such as the one i grew up in.. save face, dont show emotion, be strong... bla bla bla.. screw that, i'm just goin to be as emotional as i want to be =)

ewwwwwwwww

my sister has instructed me to proclaim that it'sher birthday on sunday hahahah 15th birthday

ewww..she just kissed me...

and once again, up and running =) praise God

2007-03-19T21:35:00.000-04:00

Good Reminders =)

At service last sunday, i was reminded of a few things... i really need to pray more for my friends who are searching... that the Lord will draw them near to Him so that they can experience his deep and unconditional everlasting love for us.

over the past few weeks, i've really started to think about where my future lies career-wise... haha simply put, can i really work in an accounting firm long-term? or what about even accounting in general? there are the good days where I feel really renewed and the challenge from work really trains me to develop my skills further... then there are the bad days where i get so exhasuted from the long hours and weary with just tryign to figure out why all my co-workers seem to hate the field so much... on a whole, i've really gotta remember that this job was really a blessing for me.. in so many ways... i've gotta remain thankful for even having a job, and such a good stable job at that. i'm thankful for being enrolled in a good program where i'm able to interact with so many different people... i'm thankful that my jobs so far have been pretty "light" wrt OT, i'm thankful that the people i've worked with so far have been really fun and open and that many good conversations came out of it, i'm thankful for being able to use the internet and keepin touch while i'm on the job.. hahaha.. but not anymore, new IT rules =( ... i'm thankful for being provided with so much technology (usb key, laptop, duo monitor, keypad, mouse, scanner) when i'm on the job to make things efficient and effective... these aren't things i shoudl take for granted either... i'm thankful that the job i'm working at is closer to home and that i get to have more sleep and can stay up later doing other things b/c i get to wake up later, i'm thankful that i get to take Highway 407 in the morning and that God blesses the time we have togehter in the morning on the drive to work...

so you see, i really shoudn't complain at all... God is good. There are so many things i'm thankful for... Lord you are good and your mercy endures forever (song is in my head now =) )...

i'm thankful for the times this term where God challenges me to really give up all my stresses and worries and exhaustion over to Him... The Lord is my healer, my comforter, my peace, my God in whom i put my trust in... the giver of all hope...

do you ever get that feeling where your heart inside is singing loudly? and all you can think of is the rich music in your ears? when you can hear the clappin, when you can hear the chorus singing... distraction-free... i think that's a great challenge... when we sing, that every word we speak/sing would be distraction-free... to have our hearts and minds solely focused on worshipping the Lord for who He is, for what He has done, for what He has promised, for what He is doing, and for the love relationship we have with Him... definietely smthg i know i still need to work on.. to keep focus... it's better not to sing at all than to sing only "vocally" but not with your heart... sometimes i catch myself only singing vocally, but i'm sure there are times when i dont' end up catching myself and in the end, i did not give my all as an act of worship for God... it's much easier when i learn to simplify life... to zone out the busyness and to stand in His presence... and in those moments, it really is just me and God =)

--> You Are Good

Lord You are good
And Your mercy endures forever
Lord You are good
And Your mercy endures forever

People from every nation and tongue
From generation to generation

We worship You
Hallelujah hallelujah
We worship You
For Who You are
'Cuz You are good

You are good all the time
All the time You are good

Israel Houghton
© 2001 Integrity's Praise! Music/BMI

2007-02-25T20:25:00.001-05:00

I'm okay guyz =)

thanks for checking up on me tho...i know i worried a lot of you after you read my post.. but i'm doing alrite... God is very much protecting me and watching over me... no matter how great the spiritual warfare is, God is always the Light that conquers all darkness. I read this right after a rather shocking battle... and it really says all i have to say =)

Psalm 143

A psalm of David.

1 O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

----

i think after a series of events this past week, again i am reminded of how important it is to memorize Scripture... it is such a HUGE POWERFUL weapon against the enemy's attacks... i learnt that firsthand this week... so yeah..more personal motivation for me i guess to study and read and memorize more Scripture and to keep the Word of God internalized in my heart at all times... this past week, God revealed to me exactly why the word of God is the sword of the Spirit. (Ephesians 6).

2007-02-19T18:39:00.000-05:00

Mental Fatigue

welcome.

today, i came home from work..and within 10 minutes of coming home, tears started falling from my face..the wierdest part is... i wasn't even thinking of anything... and when is tart to think, the tears stop, but when i stop thinking, the tears come... i do not know what is up with me...

it's been a very mentally tiring week... things ahve been accumulating to this point... and i dont' feel very good physically or mentally... there are too many things on my mind now..all i want to do is take some tylenol, a good dosage... and pass out and wake up tmr... funny, as pt put it, work is like my sanctuary now.

2007-02-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

Revelations

not mine... but the book =) it's so eye-opening...i don't know how else i can describe it...

over the past few weeks, i've been attending the "revelations" sunday school class taught by this doctorate theology guy and it's been a blessing to be able to learn about all these different trains of thought about eschatology as well as gain some understanding about common terms in revelations... and really catch a glimpse of some of the very symbolic meaning in the text.

haha... so it's 2 days in a row that i've been called "a typical accountant" hahah.. once yesterday by my cousin who commented how i was very conservative and my style of clothing reflected this traditional part of me... the other time was today by roy, my co-counsellor for agape... haha he commented on my accountant personality as he noticed how i was rapidly trying to copy down and "document" everything that came out of the sunday school teacher's mouth..haha i cna't refute that for sure... today i was trying to write down all these different trains of thought that were so intriguing =)

again, i only have God to thank and praise... it has been my prayer that over these months in toronto when i'm on workterm that i can be challenged and continually trained up in knowledge and in truth and gain a better understanding of all the complexities surrounding some hard doctirnes of the faith =) i remember it was only a few weeks ago when i was complaining to a friend and mentioning how it felt like things weren't partiuclarly challenging here in rhccc and it felt like things were usually spoon-fed... well i am now sitting here very extremely grateful for the opporutnity to learn more about revelations...

i can't help but wonder... am i ready? without even taking into account which stream of the great tribulation belief i hold... cuz it doesnt' really matter in the end... and with my mind being open to the fact that all believers may not be raptured before the Great Tribulation begins... that brings about a lot of emotions... in those times, it really will be like hell on earth... reading and learning about it... the seals, the trumpets, the horsemen, the beasts, the witnesses... it's really going to be so much suffering... but this suffering has such great meaning... again, i am reminded of the urgency with which we are to proclaim the good news of Christ... irregardless of your beliefs about the elected, the chosen, the predestined.... bottom line, we don't know who those are... only God does... so i gotta treat everyone with the same amount of urgency and truly show them God's love...

another interesting point someone mentioned in class today... God will protect His people during the Great Tribulation.. so does that mean He will provide spiritual protection, physical protection, or both for His saints? hmmm... very interesting to chew on... in the end, i think it's more of a spiritual protection for us...

i think something that is very hard for me personally to internalize is the fact that there will be very good friends and certain family members that may not be rejoicing with me in heaven at the time of Christ's return... i'm not sure what it is... maybe it's something about me being a human... i can't quite understand and even imagine what life is like without seeing these people ever.... and knowing that there is a possibility that there'll be eternal damnation.... like in my mind, i have always known this to be true... but it hink that because i have lived on earth for 21 years, i have not known any other way of living life... i don't know what it's like not to see them... and many ways, i really think i take for granted the time i have left to spread the Gospel... i don't know how long i'm going to live... i could die today, tmr, 60 years from now... and when i stand at the gates of heaven, will i hear "well done, my good and faithful servant?" will my life here on earth have reflected the glorious nature of God?

i honestly think that i need to be reminded of this truth every single day of my walk with God...

it brings more perspective to my relaitonship with God... oftentimes, i find my faith is in some ways secluded to the things that are important to me... my family, friends, fellowship, service, ministries, etc... i only think of the spiritual battles within these various areas of my life... and i forget that there is so much spiritual warfare raging in the universe... the world is gettin darker and darker and i cant help but feel like we as believers need to make the most of our lives and make a deep impact on this dark world.... i really look forward to Christ's Return =D =D

2007-02-03T10:40:00.000-05:00

Nameless Blog =P

i'm really starting to think that weekends are just inherently worse than weekdays..altho that might not always be the case, the past 2 weeks have proven it to be so... both saturdays i've woken up to the sounds and within 5 minutes of waking up, i really want to leave, disappear, and have absolute silence...

there's nothing much I can do.... i'm trying here, i really am... but sometimes i really think that it's starting to backfire on me... half the time i end up wanting to do exactly what i'm not supposed to do and the other half of the time when i choose to do nothing, i end up feeling like i have no heart or smthg... how's that supposed to work... i don't think it does...

so yes, prayers are greatly appreciated... i generally usually just need time to retreat, think by mysef, away from familiar faces, pray... and renew my mind again with hope, strength, and perseverance in Him... yeah... uusally i need to let it out... sighz.. it has such a big impact on me and my mental state for as long as i think about it without it being resolved in my head... man.. all this can really drive me nuts... la la la la

and breathe... this is day that the Lord has made.... we will be glad and rejoice in it... (song keeps recurring in my brain.. yay for music therapy hahah)

2007-01-03T21:05:00.000-05:00

Officially into 2007 =)

4A's completed, Christmas break is over, work has started, ministries are beginning... welcome to 2007 =)

most of my marks came back from my 4A..and needless to say, I am so thankful and have so much gratitude for God for showing me so much grace and for really teaching me perseverance and endurance this past term in waterloo... it was the most gruelling academic experience i've ever had to date and i was sick for about 1/3 of the entire term... the long nights and lack of sleep... it all paid out by the grace of God.. looks like i'll be in waterloo for another 8 months after my undergraduate degree =) the masters future is looking bright once again and i really only have God to thank for that.. it was solely His doing, not mine =) i can truly say that through the testing of my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual body, my faith has increased... The Lord is good, His faithfulness reaches throughout all the generations =)

the Christmas break was amazing... it was a really good time to spend with family and friends.. and really having great bonding and catchup times with many loved ones =) it always warms my heart to know that my relatioships are deepening through the bond we have in Christ... it is also amazing to see the work of the Lord in the lives of those i've known for so many years... to see how you all have grown and matured... it amazes me how when we were in high school, the world seemed so rosy and now i believe thsoe days were preparation for the hefty trials we three all face this day... we have all seen the internal pains and needs for healing in this dark world that is so close to home... and yet i encourage you to keep having the joy of the Lord in your hearts always... keep persevering in the fight my fellow sisters =)

updates... hmmm... well i'll be startign to attend leadership meetings for the agape high school fellowship at my chruch...as well as attend the SPLAT youth sunday service periodically..and i think perhaps co-teaching sunday school for gr 10s with the youth pastor at RHCCC... and a bit moe involvement in the prayer ministry for the university/young career group at RHCCC too... i think i'm going to go through some spiritual turbulence... there's a lot of work to be done for His Kingdom and I am ever so eager and ready to do His will... May the name of the Lord be lifted on high =) my "sabbatical" term (4A) in waterloo has come to fruition... now it's time to really get back into things... the Lord will continue to do many great things these next 8 months... His plans are never thwarted... i can only pray that I can be a humble and meek servant with power that only comes from God.

now, i'm currently sitting in my hotel room... with wireless internet =) haha benefits of working at a big 4 firm... finsihed my 2nd day of training at the Nottawasaga Resort in Alliston... work will be interesting... it's going to be challenging for sure =)

2006-12-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

Exam Time here in loo =)

it's almost Christmas-time =) time to see loved ones again and celebrate the birth of my Saviour!!

i'm doing okay =P not much time to blog recently, but as always, the Lord is continuing to bless me in so many different ways and train me up in faith and trust in Him so that when the fierce battles arise, I will be ready to fight with what He has equipped me with..

in other good news, i got baptized last sunday :) hehehee... so the promise I made to God at the beginning of this year was kept =) It was amazing to declare that the Lord is the head of my life and that his death and resurrection has freed me from the bondage of my own sin =) thank you to all who were there who witnessed it and celebrated with me =) The Lord indeed is good =)

things i'm currently thinking & praying about:

1. the Lord's calling for me next term @ RHCCC... it's about time that I really try and connect and learn to love and give towards this community of believers in Rhill...thank you to those who have pushed me to keep trying and to persevere admist the feelings of being an outsider at church for the past 4 years... I appreciate your prayers =) right now, i'm still praying about where God is leading me towards serving... it looks like i might help out with the high school fellowship "Agape" or teach high school sunday school... we'll see what happens... i'm sitll currently in the process of corresponding with the church youth leadership and finding out more information about opportunities I could possibly serve God in...

2. Witnessing -- something that's been on my mind all term... the world is watching and observing all the time... they are watching my every step.. they are probing into why i do the things i do... they are even celebrating with me certain spiritual breakthroughs God has overcome with me this term.. they are looking to me as someone different, someone with a bigger driving force behind my life than just monetary or occupational success... someone who has the ability to not lose hope and not stress... and i wish that they would know why.... that it's not just me being a superhero or smthg... that there's nothing out of my own being that keeps me going, but rather it is the Lord Himself who keeps me and sustains me every single day... that is my Father Almighty whom I praise and worship with every ounce of my being... that it is my Heavenly Friend to whom I pray willingly to... and i really do hope that they do not simply see it as being "religious"... that i dont' engage in these "religious activities" out of obligation or duty or simply to follow a rule-book, but rather, i do these things as an outward expression of my love for my God... with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength... i don't only wnat to be labelled as different... i want to be bold, daring, active, purposeful, and genuine about my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

3. Answers to Prayer -- oh yes, the Lord indeed is faithful :) again and again, He shows me His mighty power and strength and His neverending sovereignty.. and above all, I just want to respond back in worship to my Father... This term, again i am positively astounded by how much the Lord answers my prayers... not only the daily prayers, but also the prayers that i've been praying for years =) hehehe... yup yup :) There is such a strong peace in understanding that His will is actualized in our lives... i can't express enough how thankful I am for the answeirng of this one specific prayer item i've had for years... it makes me so happy, that it can bring me to tears of joy at how the Lord heals... He's brought me and my loved ones out of the dark and now we really are able to shine in His marvellous light... He's given me renewed hope and solidified over and over again that all things are in His perfect and capable hands... He's been watching out for us even when i coudln't... He knows how inadequate I am... and He continues to amaze me by changing hearts, strengthening hearts, healing hearts, redeeming hearts, renewing hearts, purifying hearts... that pretty much sums it up =)

4. Change -- i've changed a lot... correction -- God has changed me a lot... :) there we go =) this term has defintiely been filled wtih so many tryign times... hahaha..yeah and i'm sure my blogs represent just a few glimpses of the spirtual battles that have come my way everyday... but looking back on things now... and looking towards the future, i'm thankful for all the hardships that I've faced... i really must say that i'll never be the same again... God's power is just that powerful... it just leaves me... forever changed... forever yearning to deepen my relationship with Him... and forever wanting to spread the Love of Christ all around... i think this term, i've been living life quite secluded from the general Christian community... it's so noticeable, i can't even go to church or ccf without people asking me why i'm never around anymore or why i never chill wtih them, or why i keep cancelling on meeitn gup with them... or why my msn names always entail some sort of busyness... and even up until a few weeks ago, it kinda hurt inside to be disconnected from my loving brothers and sisters this term... but i knew that this was the path i was to follow this term... i think... God has definitely changed my perspecitve a lot about the role of ccf and godly friendships in my life... i can honestly say that being apart from them this term was soooo hard fo rme... espeically in the beginning, when i was unsure of where this was leading me to... but now, i realize that it has forced me to increase my reliance upon God and only God alone... He has pushed me way beyond my spiritual comfort zone and told me smack in the face over and over agian this term to trust Him, rely on Him, be near to Him, talk to Him, reach out to Him, seek Him, and battle myself for Him... and there's no one else to whom i should put my ultimate trust in... when faced witht he choice of having a lot of loving brothers and sisters care for, support, encourage, pray for, rebuke, and love me (in short, i think earlier, God blessed me with relying on Him wtih the help of and throught he presence of the peopel He put in my life), versus the choice of having that all taken away, being stripped and coming before God alone, just as I am, wtih all my faults and weaknesses, and being pushed to look to Him alone through the entrenching spiritual warfare.... i don't want to choose the "easier" way out... i want to be pushed so hard so that all i can do is drop everything, and rely on God solely for everything... while i understand the importance of fellowship in my spiritual walk with God, i no longer take it for granted and turn to the Church body of believers first, now, God has enabled me to take a more direct route to trusting Him through the hardships i will endure...

5. Learning about myself -- yeah.. haha... i've learnt a lot about myself this term... yup yup, being in a relaitonship teaches you so many things.. =) i think one of most significant things i've learnt about myself is how non-expressive i can be... and how much of an effect my mental state has on my expressiveness level... it's very very intriguing indeed... and i think this term, i've noticed a lot exactly about how stress influences me... and i notice exactly when i start to get stressed out... and from then onwards, it's an internal battle to connect what i know in my heart with what my brain's telling me =) hehe.. yeah... fun times... and when it gets really really bad, i get the major headaches or the "head feelign heavy' effect... and it hink the only thing that takes away the head feelign heavy effect is a combination of a) a nap and b) time thinking about the Lord and my life.... hahah yeah..i'm all about the naps =) gotta love them... but yeah... it's amazing hwo much the Lord can renew my mind in just 10 minutes... i've gotta be able to discipline myself to quiet down before God as soon as i recognize that my stress levels are overtaking my reliance on God...

alrite... 11 days -- 5 exams... i gotta go study again... i want to be doneeeeeee... soon soon..

here's the schedule:
corporate finance --> Dec. 12 [9-11:30am]
consolidation --> Dec. 12 [7:30-10pm]
marketing --> Dec. 14 [12:30-2:30pm]
Auditing --> Dec. 18 [4-6:30pm]
Cost --> Dec. 21 [4-6:30pm]

so if you have time, prayers are needed =) i've been fighing sickness for almost a month now... the antibiotics are working..i feel a lot better today than i have in many weeks =) thanks for your prayers again.

2006-11-27T12:56:00.000-05:00

Restoration

1 week till the end of classes =) haha can u feel the excitement? i'm almost done my 4A term!!! then off to work on Jan. 2, 2007.

i had the chance to go home this past weekend... i got to TO around 5pm on saturday.. and didnt' even stay for a full 24 hrs until i had to go back to waterloo and group project some more..but neways, it was awesome =) got to see my por por one last time until she leaves for hk today... and i also got to hang out with andrea all sunday after church =) i'm feeling a lot more relieved now than before... again, i am amazed at how God answers prayer and how He is constantly molding and changing us from the inside out =) it was definitely a good choice to go back home this weekend, even if it was only for such a short time... it reminded me so much of where part of my heart lies...

for a 14 year old, she is unbelievably strong... and just in these past 2 weeks, i have seen tremendous growth and maturity on her part... haha and yet at the same time, she'll always be the younger kid sister that i've grown up looking after... haha the more she shares her life with me, the older i feel =) lol.. all the boy drama... there's defintiely enough to last a lifetime there just in gr 9... i've forgotten what it's like to be 14... all those years of searching for my own unique identity... those years of discovering what faith means to me... those years of fitting in and wanting to be heard and respected... those years of feeling like i was treated like such a little kid... hahaha.. yeah... rebellion =P haha altho i'ld liek to think i wasn't as rebellious as she is now, but i realize that i'm pretty biased =P haha

i think bit by bit, i'm learning how to let her live her life and make her own mistakes... she knows that i'm always there for her when needed... she knows that i'm only a phone call away and that i'll come home if ever needed... i really do love her so much =) it's great to jsut hang out again, even if we aren't really talkign about anythign in depth or even talkign at all =P jsut spending time in silence with those you love is such a blessing from God... hahaa..but yeah... it's like old time again =) tears of joy, tears of sadness all shared togehter thru the good and the bad =) hahah soemtimes i jsut wanna hug her and never let go and be there to protect her thru everything, but that's God's role, not mine =) but hey, God does a way better job than i could ever do and she's in the best hands =) God i praise you for your faithfulness that spans throughout the generations... i thank you for giving me peace. =)

2006-11-19T19:50:00.000-05:00

Spiritual Battles

it's been a fun ride =)

i dont' even know where to begin... but i'm really glad that God enabled me to get more rest these past few days... after a full week of sleeping around 4am each nite..and waking up to a fever, dizziness, headaches, stomachaches, and extreme tiredness, it's like i can see the light at the end of the hole.. =) i'm still pretty physically weak...woke up this mornign with a pretty sore throat which has lasted throughout the day... but being able to get rest has really renewed me...

this past week, everything was thrown at me... it's like everything that i care about turned into a mental battle... i thank God for sustaining me and for listening to all the prayers that were offered on my behalf... i'm so very blessed to have such loving brothers and sisters checking up on me and praying consistently for me...

quesiton is... do i have mental resolution now? i would say yes on most fronts... doing a lot better starting yesterday after beign able to get some time to myself... and being able to connect again with those i hold dear...

although in some ways this week was really really tough, i also see it as another day in the life of a Christian... battling fiercely in the spiritual realm... which also encompasses physical, emotional, and mental.... physically, well let's jsut say my immune system is pretty down now especially with all the gorup project insanity... emotionally, it's been a rough ride since last sunday... for all those painful emotions to flood up again... the tears... the feeling where you want to cry but you can't cuz you've got kinda choking reflex... and mentally...wow..let's not even go there =P haha.... everything ranging from major academic pressure/stress to dealing with family issues to ccf-related stuff and much much more on my mind that i just can't express here...

but admist all of that, to be able to stay spiritually close to the Lord... that's what is noteworthy... it doesn't matter so much at what gets thrown at me in life... what's more important is my reaction to it... how did i praise God this week, today, this hour, this minute... how did i remember and honour Him in all i do? how did respond to being physically, emotionally, and/or mentally exhausted? how much complaining came out of my mouth this past week? how much time did i spend together with my Lord in queit times... to hear His still, small voice admist my busyness... to be comforted and renewed by my Father...

i can't say that i did all of the things above all the time... but that's what's been goin on in my head reflecting back upon how i handled myself this week... was it truly God-honouring? well.. i'm sure that i over-stressed more than i should have... prolly complained too much for my own good... and didnt' get as much queit time as needed... but it's smthg to strive for.. to be able to be very very close to God every day no matter what spiritual battles i'm in on that partiuclar day... to humble myself before Him...

i think sometimes, for myself anyways, i can have a tendency to get too wrapped up in whatever i'm dealing wtih at the moment.. but relaly, many times, God just wants me to stop and focus my eyes upon Him... to remember to live each and every day for the glory of God... to start and end the day with the Lord's words hidden in my heart... and really just tkae a step back and not totally freak out at all that's been on my mind... to continue to be a strong witness and ambassador for Christ...

hang in there afm buddies... the term is *almost* over...

2006-11-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

Fragile.

one drop... two drops... etc etc

mentally overloaded...worn out to the max...

spiritually strong...

can those two collide?

i suppose they can b/c God will never give me anything beyond what He thinks i can handle...

emotions... feelings... pained at what i see... love... healing...

i don't want to talk about it... i need your prayers... God is fighting this battle beside me, in front of me, behind me, all around me...

must carry on... must not let my mind overpower me... must pray pray pray... must try to concentrate on school even when it means nothing to me comparably... must praise my Lord... must worship Him... must find joy in my suffering... must rejoice... :) God is with me.

this song exmplifies what i'm thinking....

Chris Tomlin --> This is our God

The refuge for the poor, a shelter from the storm
This is our God
He will wipe away your tears and return your wasted years
This is our God
So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

A father to the orphan, a healer to the broken
This is our God
And he brings peace to our madness and comfort in our sadness
This is our God
This is our God

So call upon his name
He is mighty to save
This Is Our God

This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
Jesus, Lord and Savior
This is our God

A fountain for the thirsty, a lover for the lonely
This is our God
He brings glory to the humble and crowns for the faithful
This is our God
So call upon His Name, He is mighty to save
This is our God

So call upon his name
He is mighty to save
This Is Our God

This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
This is/You are the one we have waited for
Jesus, Lord and Savior
This is our God

2006-11-07T19:53:00.000-05:00

Sabbath

God knows i need to spend more time with Him...

from my Charles Spurgeon devos book today:

"In season and out of season, witness for the Saviour. if it happens that, for Christ's sake and the Gospel's sake, you must endure suffering in any form, do not shrink from it, but rejoice in the honour thus conferred on you, that you are counted worthy to suffer with your Lord. Rejoice also in this: your suffering, losses, and persecution will be a platform from which you can witness for Christ Jesus even more vigorously, and with greater power. Study your great Exemplar, and be filled with His Spirit. Remember that you need much teaching, much upholding, much grace, and much humility, if your witnessing is to be to your Master's glory."

- Amen.

well i guess the past few days have definitley been "out of season" as Spurgeon deems it... irregardless, i have to witness for the Saviour and not let stress get to me.. i guess all the crap from school is a platform from which i can witness for JC even more vigorously and with greater power... i've got to keep that in mind... this devotions also reminded me that i need to study the Greatest Example -- Jesus Christ... i need to spend more time learning more about Him, his humility, his grace, his mercy, his power; i yearn to be filled with the Spirit.. i'm so thankful to God for giving me the Holy Spirit to help guide me and lead me in the way i shoudl go... to convict me of my sin... to speak truth to me...

i need much teaching...
much upholding..
much grace...
much humility...

i surrender myself to My Saviour, my King...

Praise the Lord O my soul, His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever
His faithfulness continues throughout all generations.

2006-11-02T14:54:00.000-05:00

Strength

To say the least, this term has been a primary example of pruning times =)

words in my head:
- faith + trust
- surrender
- tiredness
- academics
- pruning
- hard
- strength

I need the Lord's comfort and grace =)

2006-10-29T18:20:00.000-05:00

Weekend.

As much as some people may think i'm an extrovert, those who know me well know that i'm quite the introvert... i have my frequent anti-social days... days where i just want to be alone... days when i love just not talking at all and just thinking and praying... =) and while i'm having one of those moments now, i can't succomb to it...keep moving on and living life...

so this past weekend, i came home primarily to pick up my car and also to take a bit of a break away from waterloo and all that comes with being in waterloo... little did i know that i'ld be flooded with all sorts of emotions and pain again... it was pretty rough... and not even a full day after being back did i yearn to return to waterloo... an awkward series of events.... i had looked forward to going back home for so long..haha...

nehoos.... i'm very thankful and blessed to have been able to meet up with sally, karen, bernice, and even talk with aaron on the way back to waterloo... it's really cool to catch up with peopel and be amazed at how much they ahve grown and matured over the years that i've known them... it is such a blessing to have low maintenance friendships =) the ones that transcend time and location =) i'm really glad to hear of how God is been working in yoru lives recently and how you are deepening... i always enjoy hearing about peopel transitioning into different periods of life and the various struggles they face tehre... everyone deals with different things...

so what am i dealing with?

i guess it's just been awhile since i was last put in that position... it hurts... a lot... but at the same time, i'm so used to having to deal with that.. the words dont' really sting so much... and well of course the physical pain passes quickly... but what hurts me the most is the inability to control one's expression of emotions... the anger... the hate... the malice... it's so unhealthy.. it's like i feel that when the monster errupts, all hell breaks loose... and it breaks my heart to see the monster do its dirty work... regardless, i've got to keep praying fervently... it's always very hard for me to wake up the next day and everything is "back to normal"... the monster has gone back into its cage until the next erruption... back to the jokes, the random chit chat, the fun and games, ... it's really like nothing ever happened... what am i supposed to do? just ignore like the monster ever came out? pretend like nothing affects me? open up old wounds? try to talk it out? go on life as usual? i dunno... i dunno what's best in these situations but the Lord knows and He is faithful... He heals, He protects, He LOVES. He sees each tear that falls from our face and mends our broken wounds...

i dont' feel the stress or worries anymore... yesterday nite, i coudlnt' even get a coherent sentence out, but God knows my thoughts... He hears my cries... He searches my heart and examines my thoughts...

How deep the Father's love for us...
How vast beyond all measure....

2006-10-21T23:11:00.000-04:00

Saturday, October 21, 2006.

wow.. i can't believe that it's already near the end of october... it kinda feels like i've been living in a hole recently =) oh the joys of being in 4A accounting... who knew that it would be so hard =P but anyways, must move onwards and keep persevering..

a few days ago, i came to the sudden realization that i've been feeling pretty sad recently... i didn't even really realize why until i talked about it w/ alexis...

a few times this past week, i've felt like i almost wanted to cry... and for one who rarely feels the need to cry, this is wierd... at first, i just thought that maybe i was feeling so exhausted with the strains of accounting and all the group projects... but that didn't really make sense to me b/c even tho school is tough now, that is not enough to make me want to cry... i don't care enough about school to have that feeling...

but as i actually started to think about why i have been feeling the need to cry... different things popped into my head....

i think it's been pretty hard for me this term to accept the fact that God wants me to significantly cut down on ministries and focus on Him while i'm trucking through school... and one of the biggest lessons i'm trying to learn is finding different ways to keep my faith alive and exhuberant b/c God's majesty & Christ's love and sacrifice for me is just that incredibly amazing... the twist is that this is done without the strong support of a community of brothers and sisters that i've had the blessing of having in loo since 1A... and also this has to be done without serving God in fellowship and people ministries... dun get me wrong, we are all stilled called to serve God in every aspect of our life... but i guess when God calls you to step down from certain thigns in order to test whether you can still maintain that level of close, obedient, and worshipful relationship, He really wants to remind us what is the foundation for our faith and belief in Him...

so yeah... i guess i was having trouble this term with accepting the fact that I cannot really be as actively involved in ccf and the people there... it hard to really cut down on investing more in people's lives..and really getting to know them for who they are, help them if possible at all in whatever they're going thru or in jsut becomign a more strong godly individual... it does sadden me that i dun have much time to intiate these relationshisp much... it saddens me that i have to keep cancelling on lunch/dinner/coffee meetings with people that i care very much about... it's been hard to go to ccf and not be able to start really deep fruitful friendships with the people there.... in short, to be held back from a lot of the passions i've developped over the years...

but at the same time, these are God-given passions..and even if i dun understand exactly why i have to let go of so much... i still have to trust Him... i have to keep yearning to be pruned over and over again... in the end, it really is not about me at all... it is He who gets the full glory and honour and praise... i wanna take more time out of my days to stop thinking about me and what i'm going thru and just focus my whole mind, body, spirit on my heavenly Father... to just let the worries, stress, and sadness fall to the ground and be renewed in Christ Jesus... to live fully for the joy of the Lord is our strength... to continually rejoice.

2006-10-12T12:21:00.000-04:00

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

lol it's almost as if every time i blog, i have nothing but really negative things to say... so let's change that today =)

just a quick update first: today's my last interview which marks the 7th one i've had this round and rankings come out tomorrow and i will be 100% sure working in Toronto...

it's been such an amazing journey of faith and trust folks =P there are so many thoughts right now stuck in my head but God is instilling in me a sense of determination to keep fighting onwards... i will NOT let stress get the better of me... today, i was reminded clearly of the importance of Christians being a light on the campus... no matter what trials and temptations may come my way, there are those watching you and observing your every step... it is these people, the lost who need to see Christ in me... i really pray that they can see that my God is way more powerful and so much bigger than any academic or school stresses that come my way... and that b/c of my faith and trust in Him, i am able to live life to the fullest without any worrying or fretting about what tomorrow may bring... heck, even what an hour from now might bring...

i want to be able to be transparent to the community around me.... i know that i must rely on God and submit to Him daily in order that my life will be relfective of Christ in me... i need to start living again.... =) i must not let anythign else consume me other than God...

God i praise you in the storm
You are the potter and I am the clay
You work for the good of those who love you
For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
Worthy is your name
Your strength is not my own
I will put my rest in You
I will be still and know that You are God
You are my all in all
You give me new life

This song just popped into my head... old school..simple heartfelt truths..

I Will Enter His Gates:

I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart
I will enter his courts with praise
I will say this is the day That the lord has made
I will rejoice for he has made me glad

Chorus:

He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for he has made me glad, glad, glad

He has made me glad
He has made me glad
I will rejoice for he has made me glad

- Amen.

2006-10-06T21:25:00.000-04:00

I'm HOMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

it's Thanksgiving weekend and i'm so very thankful to be home =) hehehe... it's been a long and excruciating week... today was the finale to this week... it started at 7:25 a.m. this morning when i woke up and had 4 interviews back to back... i got home around 12:30... cooked and ate... and then tried to keep my mind fresh for a few hours until my midterm tonight... i am convinced that my prof is mean... who schedules a midterm on the friday nite of a long weekend?!!??! that's just cruel... traffic was brutal coming back to toronto... by the time i got home, i wolfed down some yummy chinese food leftovers from my family's mid-autumn festival dinner... and here i am now... i have been instructed to rest up and rest i will do =) i'm going to leave the take-home midterm, group project, and assignment until later on in my weekend to do... now is just time to relaxxxxx!

since i've been so busy these past few weeks, i've had to cut back a lot... i know that it may seem to many of you that i'm quite the anti-social one this term... or that i'm always just way too busy to hang out or talk to you or serve... while i do miss talking in depth with people this term, it's alrite. sometimes, you just gotta do what you gotta do... and what i need to do is focus my eyes on the Lord and pray and ask Him to increase my faith and trust in Him... to be continually renewed in JC... in order to do this, i've had to make the choice to start spending less time in the "people ministry" and to focus on living each day at a time with God at the centre of it. sometimes even at ccf or kwcac my mind can be completely mentally tired and needing rest and renewal in the Lord yet my heart is torn when God places all these people before me and allows me to see some of their needs... it's been tough folks, but many times at the state i'm in, i have to learn to say no... only then will my soul be focused on my Father... only then can i be still and know that He is God... i can only handle so much through Christ who strengthens me... :)

thank you for your prayers, encouragement, support, check-ups.. i'm thankful for you all

2006-09-30T13:43:00.000-04:00

Excerpts from "The Joy of Fearing God" -- by Jerry Bridges

Job 1:21 -- "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
"As I prayed over that verse, I was able to trust in the sovereignty of God, to believe He was in control of my future, and to submit myself to whatever He was doing. To use the words of 1Peter 5:7, I humbled myself under His mighty hand and trusted Him for the outcome. This is what is meant for me to fear the Lord in that situation. THe joy of fearing Him did not come immediately, but it certainly did in His good time."

hmmm... that excerpt was found at the end of the first chapter... it coherently describes part of what i've been going thru over the past few weeks...

over the past month, God has been putting various trials into my life to try to build up more trust, faith, and hope in Him... since school started, in just a few short weeks, i've been wrestling to connect what i know in my heart with the thoughts that are produced from my mind... as each day passes, the spiritual warfare becomes increasingly intense and i am forced to surrender my mind and fully submit and turn to God...

here's smthg from the online journals "my utmost for his highest"
"You cannot think through spiritual confusion to make things clear; to make things clear, you must obey. In intellectual matters you can think things out, but in spiritual matters you will only think yourself into further wandering thoughts and more confusion. If there is something in your life upon which God has put His pressure, then obey Him in that matter. Bring all your "arguments and . . . every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" regarding the matter, and everything will become as clear as daylight to you"

hmmm... wandering thoughts? that definitely sounds like me =P hehe... confusion? checkmark... obedience????

i know that God will not give me things beyond what He think i can handle... but at the back of my mind, the devil's lies seep in, calling out to me "are you sure you can handle this? it seems way too much for you to handle right now... look how poorly you are dealing with things... look how mentally exhausted you are... you are no where even close to where you should be in terms of balancing all the ministries God has called you to... you barely even have time for yourself and for God.."

once these thoughts start to ensue my mind, i know i've got to battle fiercely [Ephesians 6:10-20] and put on the full armour of God so that i can take a stand against the devil's schemes... and continue fighting by repeating Scripture outloud and in my head and in my prayers, praying boldly and unceasingly, immersing myself in the truth through readings and through conversations with friends, and wrapping my whole body with faith that will extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one... i fully trust that God is in control and that He reigns over all.

so back and forth i go, with battling the lies and fighting with strength that comes from God alone. the fight is tiresome, but i will not let the devil gain a foothold on my life. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. --> I am more than a conquerer through Him to loved me.

if God is for us, who can be against us? --> anybody/thing who tries to take us down will ultimately fail.... even if we're tired and weary, He will give us rest. We will NOT lose heart.

there is peace and hope in knowing that ultimately God has already won the final battle.

Psalm 103

1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

- Amen.

2006-09-24T18:41:00.000-04:00

Currently: having an "i miss home" day...

days go by so fast when i'm in waterloo... but then in a heartbeat, my mind can be solely focused on home... i worry too much... there are just some things i can't control... these are precisely the things that scare me most... the feeling that i can no longer protect * anymore... the feeling that * is possibly getting themselves into a big big hole... the feeling that ppl will take advantage of a person's naivety... ugh... i'm over-reacting... this is exactly why i find it so hard to leave and be away and not know what's goin on... why are there not other ppl looking out for *? argh... i'm such a parent... a thousand things can cross my mind pertaining to that situation...

gotta let go... and let God do His work.

2006-09-16T00:27:00.000-04:00

Take my Life - Chris Tomlin

Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

::Chorus::
Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

----

cry out to Jesus eh? most definitely.

patience, strength, surrender, fight, persevere, hope, trust, PRAY, rest

main lesson: surrender control of everything over to the Lord.

it's been a rough few days... weeks even... but more so the past few days... there's been lots of stress... trying to combat it with prayer, meditation, reflection, calming, sabbath... and ultimately, obedience through faith and trust... i've been getting that "head feels heavy" feeling recently... literally and non-literally... literally, well my head actually feels a lot heavier when i'm standing upright... and non-literally, well even if i'm not thinking about anything in particular, my mind seems stuffed to capacity...

this "head feels heavy" feeling is not purely arising due to stress and worrying... altho i admit, i have my fair share of that on and off these days... rather, i feel as if i'm just living through life, doing what i have to do, and it's been mentally straining... but i've come to believe that the path of life we walk was never meant to be easy... part of life includes being pushed beyond our limits to learn to trust and rely on God every new day for things that we did not entrust to him for each of our "yesterdays"... i just gotta keep fighting the spiritual battles that seep into my mind and recognize, declare, and surrender to the power of the Holy Spirit living within me... no matter how tired or strained my mind is, gotta keep running the race... i think it is possible to run the race with a bit of mental fatigue... i think that back in the days of the Apostles and Paul, they must have had their days of mental fatigue as well, yet they kept running ever so swiftly... never letting their eyes stray from that which the Lord has called them to do...

the quesiton is... how do you define the line between 1) running the race under some mental difficulties [aka adversities] while striving onwards and 2) being overly mentally tired and weary from taking things into your own control? does that make sense? or am i looking from things w/ a really messed up perspective?

2006-09-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

Time to be renewed through JC =)

it's been an interesting past few days back in waterloo... it seems like life has suddenly jolted and now i find myself down a very different path of life... still heading in the same direction but God's pushing me to take me out of my comfort zone again and surrender another part of me to Him again :)

it really does feel like my life in waterloo is like a whirlwind... i know that God is testing me now and He is "enlarging my territory" (prayer of jabez)... i feel like He's calling out to me now saying, "Vanessa, follow me. Keep your eyes focused on me. Trust me with every step you take. Do not let the world overwhelm you. Lean on me and you will no longer be tired and weary. Give me full control. Heed my teachings. Talk to me." let's put things back into perspective....

I praise God for the abundant blessings He's bestowed upon me... for the riches of all the relationships that He's blessed me with... for all the supportive brother and sisters He places in my life... I'm so thankful that He's given me so many opportunities this term already... and it's only the 2nd day of class... Thank you Lord for re-confirming your calling for me this term... Lord, may I continue to seek your face day by day to live out Christ in me... May Your kingdom come here on campus... may Your will be done. May Your name be lifted high and exalted above all other things... may the truth of Your message ring true in the ears of the lost... may You keep pursuing me and deepening my relationship with You... may You keep knocking at the doors of my innermost being and teach me to be Your humble servant... may You keep pruning me so that my life will continuously move closer towards reflecting Christ... may You keep speaking to me so that i will repent and turn back to You...

I know my God's bigger than anything anyone can possibly throw at me... i really want to entrust my mind to You... i know You won't give me things beyond what i can handle... i thank You for taking me through such a trying mental journey these past two weeks... You've shown me things that i needed to resolve within myself that i never even knew needed resolving... but thank you for forcing me to dig up my past fears and incorporating them into my decision-making... it was just about one of the hardest things i've had to do since those two things happened... thank you for allowing me to serve You in so many ministries this term...

alrite... i think things are more mentally resolved now=)

2006-09-08T20:33:00.000-04:00

On the brink of a new term...

I move into Waterloo tmr... it's been a good break in between terms...i should really try to cherish these last few hours here in the "comforts" of my own home...but at the same time, there's a part of me that wants the new term to start rollin... being home, even if it is for a few days is always quite challenging... predominantly, in a mental sense...

the past week back in toronto has been interesting to say the least... made a few important decisions... but what i've come to realize is my lack of faith regarding family matters once again... big surprise eh... why is there this dark shadow that looms over me from time to time? i don't want the past to control me, nor the thought of adverse future situations... it's hard to get time for myself when i'm back in toronto... nonstop busyness with all sorts of activities... all rewarding, yet i sacrifice smthg... alone times... it's not a healthy predicament to be in... i need to start choosing to spend more time alone w/ God... wherever i am... only then can i be still and know that He is God.

over the past few weeks, i kinda knew that God was prodding me to let go... but i didn't know that i had to let go now... why couldn't i let go later, in a few months, years... letting go is one of the hardest things to do... perhaps it's that unknown mystery that irks me... the faint possibility that massive amounts of pain could arise again ontop of old scars... and the truth of the matter is that i can't do anything about it... that is what scares me... i cannot protect you any longer, i cannot keep you safe anymore, i cannot comfort you anymore... it's not my duty but the Lord's... even though i've had to do it for the past 10 years, i need to let go... it is not my responsibility... i can't be in control... it's time to release my greatest burden to God....i've kept it to myself for way too long now... time to say goodbye and move on... must have faith...

i know i haven't fully been able to let go now...cuz i'm still thinking way too much about it...i know i made the right choice...but it's hard to take such a big step backwards... things will be okay...

Jeremiah 29:11 --> "... For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

there's a bright future in store for you... i can't wait to see the Lord mold you into a strong ambassador for His namesake... that's my prayer.

hmmm... i wonder what tonite will be like... what we have right now is quite ineffective... i've got to slowly learn how to change and open up more... although i know things could be better, so many things get in the way... sometimes when we talk, i long to express myself, and i do in my own mind with my mental thoughts, but they're rarely ever verbalized...and when verbalized, the past outcomes usually weren't that great... misunderstandings... somehow, i appear to have this great lack of respect... this "i can do everything on my own" attitude, when in reality, i really take to heart the things you say... i'm still very much a kid at heart... but when you shut out everything i have to say and put your wall of stubbornness ontop, i have no choice but to be silent... to just let my mind cry out yet keep my mouth from moving... i've seen many things happen over these years, and i don't want to bring out the raging fire within you... it's friggin scary... while some might call this attitude passive, i've been trained my whole life to be obedient and respectful within my role...

it's not like things are deteriorating...nor are they strengthening... ugh... complacency... what a nasty stage to be in... sadly, i don't know all your thoughts, and you barely know who i am apart from whatever perceptions you've built of me through the uneven windows of tainted observation... i'm trying to make my windows clear for all to see, please don't hold me back...

oh it's all good... must fight on as a soldier of Christ clinging onto the truth that has set me free.

God has clearly laid on my heart certain ministries for this term... i'm goin to have to stay focused on Him and the priorities He has set out for me... let's simplify life...minimize distractions and be assertive... haha learn to say no and give solid coherent explanations when opportunities arise... it shall be an interesting term... haha i'm looking forward to living with GIRLS again!!!! :) haha it's been 2 years since i've last lived with female housemates... *yay* girls are cool... now it's time to get back into that waterloo bubble... reorient myself in the community of brothers and sisters God has blessed me with and work out God's kingdom on campus.

Starfield -- All for You

Verse 1
Nothing compares to, life I have in You.
Nothing of this world satisfies,
So, I want to let go, I want to let You know
All that I have to give is Yours

Here I am, as gold to the fire
I will surrender to Your hand
To this place,
Lord, I have come ready for Your touch

Chorus:
It's all for You,
It's all for You,
I'm letting go,
I'm letting go.

Verse 2
What is it in me, that hangs on for so long?
Why do I fight the tears that come?
I work so hard to, keep in control when,
Al that I want is to let go

Chorus:
I'll take this life,
And lay it down,
I'm letting go,
My hopes and dreams,
Here at Your feet,
I'm letting go,
I'm letting go.

And I am ready for Your life,
And I'm ready for You now.

~ Amen.

2006-08-23T04:03:00.000-04:00

My mom is wierd.

Some ppl may get the impression that i am wierd/random... i can now attribute it fully to my mother... after a short phone conversation w/ her tonite, i am convinced that she is wierd... quirky... w/e u want to call it...

so... the conversation goes...

Mom: have you been eating a lot?
Me: yes, i've been eating a lot.
Mom: you should eat more seafood b/c you are there...
Me: okay.
Mom: Chinese parents like having "fei lui jai" (fat girls)... they are much better than "sau monkey" (skinny monkeys)...
*pause* -- i scratch my head...
by this point, i am utterly confused... i don't know where she comes up with this stuff...
*end pause*
Mom: yeah, you know... those "fei lui jai"... it is easier for them to reproduce...
Me: WHAT?! did i hear you correctly? HUH?!?!?! o_O
Mom: yeah.. reproduce.
Me: I think you should go to bed now. Are you very tired?
Mom: of course i'm tired. it's 1:15am.
Me: okay. go sleep. gnite.

*end of conversation*

conclusion: my mom is WIERD. she amuses me tho =) my cousin and i were on the floor laughing our heads off trying to figure out why my mother says the things she does... oh dear.. haha....

LOL...priceless....

in other news... Vancouver has been awesome =) beautiful scenery... more to come later...

2006-08-14T20:04:00.000-04:00

Completed 3B: BAFM

I've been home for a few days now and marks came out yesterday... i've been looking forward to this break in between school terms for awhile =P haha need my break b4 goin back for 4A...

starting near the middle of this term, I began to think and pray about next term's ministries... as I prayed for God's revelation... boy, did He ever reveal it =P for the period july-august, it felt as if God was tugging my heart in two completely different directions... and I really felt at a loss in terms of where God wanted to lead me... tugging my heart doesn't even fully encompass what I felt during the past few months... it's kind of hard to explain... it's part of the mystery of God's will... it's kinda how you know exactly when God is laying something on your heart... at first, i thought that these two ministries were completely separate from each other and that i would need to choose one to focus primarily on b/c trying to do too much can lead to negative consequences in spreading yourself too thin... so as this internal mental conflict continued and as I continued to pray, i knew that God was prodding me towards serving Him in both areas next term... the pressure lessened for a few weeks after I made that decision to commit to serving Him fully in both areas... recently the pressure has been starting to mount again as more brothers and sisters come...

i've been trying to discover why I feel this massive amount of pressure on my shoulders; it's not exactly very God-honouring o_O... i want to know exactly why i've been failing to trust in God's Sovereignty in this matter... why do i feel as if the load is too big for me to handle? am i giving up my burdens to God? why am i failing to believe that He is the potter, i am the clay? why do i wonder why God seems to be entrusting me with so much? Am I laying at the feet of the cross? God is in control, not me.

i think i got a bit overwhelmed to say the least =P not cool... haha... i dont' even know how it happened... but by the end of this term, it became apparent somehow that i was thrust into this particular role... to be blunt, i don't really always want to be in that role... haha but it's really not about me =P i really need to suck it up and submit to Him... we're all God's servants... who am i to say i'm unfit for service in God's kingdom if God actively calls me to it?

we shall see what the new term brings =) it's pretty exciting stuff :P

"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" -- Revelations 5:13

----
i've been skimming another book by Jerry Bridges..

this stuff is amazing =) haha so tempted to go buy these two books for myself as well...

Why do most Christians not experience holiness more in daily living?
Bridges believes that "our first problem is that our attitude toward sin is more self-centered than God-centered. We are more concerned about our own "victory" over sin than we are about the fact that our sings grieve the heart of God. We cannot tolerate failure in our struggle with sin chiefly because we are success-oriented, not because we know it is offensive to God. . . . God wants us to walk in obedience -- not victory. Obedience is oriented toward God; victory is oriented toward self. That is not to say God doens't want us to experience victory, but rather to emphasize that victory is a byproduct of obedience. As we concentrate on living an obedient, holy life, we will certainly experience the joy of victory over sin."

Bridges makes such a good point... and even tho the book was written in 1978, it's more apparent now in our culture... the success-oriented part of our nature... de-emphasizing obeidence and overemphasizing wanting to be victorious over sin... i think sometimes i catch myslef in those phases as well... with my brain automatically reverting to the notion of being victorious over sin rather than grieving God. it's a rather scary thought to think how often we are selfish even in dealing with our sin... it makes matters worse that we do this subconsciously and we begin thinking that it is the norm by which we are to approach tackling sin in our lives...scary stuff...

2006-08-06T16:55:00.000-04:00

Day of Rest

it's sunday again =) and i've only got 1 more final to go on friday... trying to finish strong =) this past week, i've been cast into the "mother" role since my housemate is sick and he doesn't really know how to take care of himself... spent +2 hrs at the medical walk in clinic in kitchener today after lunch... it worries me how sick he is... keep his health in your prayers =)

hehe... i'm currently taking advantage of my ability to read quickly.. rite now, i'm skimming this book by mark buchanan about sabbaths... hehe, it's actually a present for a friend, but i'm just getting little snippits of information before i give it away... call me cheap =)

some interesting quotes from the book:

1. "busyness makes us stop caring about the things we care about. Busyness also robs us of knowing God the way we might (through being still)"

2. "indeed, the worst hallucination busyness conjures is the conviction that I am God. All depends on me. How will the right things happen at the right time if I'm not pushing and pulling and watching and worrying? Either God is good and in control, or it all depends on you."

3. "I waver between these two things -- my experience of God's Sovereignty and my need to take hold of it afresh. One minute I'm declaring that I do rest in him, the next exhorting myself that I can. And the exhortation moves the inside to the outside, from myself to the congregation, from testimony to liturgy -- trust in him at all times, O people."

4. "That's the first orentation for good Sabbath-keeping, the Godward one. It is to practice, mostly through thankfulness, the presence of God until you are utterly convinced of his goodness and sovereignty, until he's bigger, and you find you rest in him alone."

5. Buchanan was analyzing the Exodus and Deuteronomy passage regarding the 10 commandments, and specifically the one about keeping the Sabbath holy. He makes this very interesting comment: "The Exodus, command, with its call to imitation, plays on a hidden irony: we mimic God in order to remember that we're not God. In fact, that is a good definition of Sabbath: imitating God so that we stop trying to be God." We mirror divine behaviour only to freshly discover our human limitations. Sabbath-keeping involves a recognition of our own weakness and smallness, that we are made from dust, that we hold our treasure in clay jars, and that without proper care we break."

6. Isaiah 58: 13-14:

13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

2006-07-30T16:20:00.000-04:00

Today is Sunday =) yayyyy

i feel pretty rejuvinated... went to bed at 11:15 pm yesterday... and then today i took antoher 2 hr nap.. it's great =) it's amazing how big of a difference it makes to be physically strong.

Growth
I think that one of the greatest joys in life is seeing other ppl grow in their own faith in God... it's such a blessing and encouragement =) it doesn't have to be some huge earth-moving change... cuz even the smallest identifiable growth in someone's walk with God is significant... it's very cool to see people mature in their faith... especially when you have known them for a very long time -- truly a testament of God's great power. after catching up with some old high school friends, i am amazed at their strong faith and how much they have grown since the years at tdch.. seems like forever ago.. each one of us is living a completely different life compared to those days at tdch... and God is challenging each of us in various areas of our respective lives to put more faith in Him... it's very cool that after months of not seeing each other and not really keeping up with each other, that we can still at any time, come to each other in prayer... and send our prayer requests to each other... it's so amazing how God's love unites us as sisters in Christ and how He totally transcends time... =)

wow... it's almost the end of another term... time flies by so quickly here in loo... it's wierd thinking about being in 4A in the fall... getting old... haha... everytime ppl ask eac other if they think they're different than when they first entered university, i always think back upon God's provision over the past few years here... i love how God is so deliberate and purposeful.... how He knows us so well and since He knows exactly what we need to work on in our own Christian identity... and He purposefully puts us into these situations that test us at the core of our very being... the harder a situation/internal issue can be, the more we realize that we can only rely on God to sustain us... yeah... so rite now for me, i know some areas where God is pushing me to grow and surrender to Him more... now it depends on whether i will be obedient or not...

- family - hope
- accounting - perseverance, no stress
- future guidance - patience, seeking
- tiredness - daily renewal and surrender and focus on God
- ministries - obedience
- prayer - regain consistency
- confidence - of God being able to work in and through me

i know i said it earlier, but i am very thankful and i praise God for the community of brothers and sisters that He's blessed me with... thank you for your support and your prayers... i'm still amazed every time somebody goes out of their way to do small little things for others... great acts of kindness indeed... and i think it's so awesome that ppl can pray for each other... i really really appreciate it... =) God is so good.. let me know if i can pray for you in any way...

2006-07-26T00:58:00.000-04:00

Back in TO

I've been looking forward to going back home for a week now... and now that i'm here, again i am reminded of what it's like to be living back home...

after a gruelling day spent at DP and then driving back to Toronto (a record: 1 hr and 4 minutes from waterloo to my doorstep :P ), i walked into my home... unpacked..and walked into the living room to say hi... after a short conversation with my parents, i'm left feeling worn out again... i think that since i've left for waterloo 3 years ago, i've grown to be pretty independent... but at the same time, i still really internalize everything my parents say to me... the good, the bad, the ugly, everything.... tonite was a bit of the bad...

somehow, i give off this impression that i don't care what they say to me, when in fact i really do... i also appear to display a certain lack of respect whereas the opposite is fact true... oh... and apparently i think i'm too smart for them since i don't ask them for parental advice for the things i do... i think the words i overheard kinda hurt me... the way we really don't understand each other sometimes... i know they still think of me as a little kid: very very naive, stubborn, selfish, lacking street smarts, and definitely someone who makes rash decisions without considering many issues... hence, they feel the need to shield me from my stupidity and they want to give me the best life they can... and they have done a great job thus far, providing me with many abundant blessings... on one hand, they still view me as very immature on many different levels, but at the same time, they do their best to shelter me from the harsh ways of the world... it's semi-contradictory..... but i know they have my best interests in mind... but i can't seem to live the life God is calling me towards without appearing like i have little respect for my parents... o_O i need to open up more to them... so that they can see the real me... why i do the things i do, what drives/motivates me, etc...

=) trying to turn my thoughts into prayers...

it's been a rough week..but God is definitely telling me to be still thru it all and worship Him thru it =) slowly, bit by bit, God is revealing Himself to me and also more of His plan for me next term... it's been awesome... as i discover these new revelations and try to piece everything together, i'm excited... i don't know what the next few months will bring, but i know GOd has smthg big in store... it's like God's preparing me now for next term by testing me now on how much i really do rely on God for everything.... and whether my worry disappears because i can trust God even in times of uncertainty and exhaustion for me, because I know God has a very certain planned will... pruning is always good times... =P

2006-07-23T12:35:00.000-04:00

Sabbath

Psalm 139: 23-24
"Search me, O GOd, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts,
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."

~ Amen.

thoughts:
How do i balance both in moderation?
How am i supposed to use what you've given me?
Where does my strength come from? --> not within me, but from God
What do all these signs mean?
How do I rest my mind and find peace?
What do You want to teach me?
How can i be obedient?

*patience* : God knows what He's doing =)

"Come follow me..."

-----

People Need the Lord -- song i remember from when i was a kid... it still rings true =P

Everyday they pass me by,
I can see it in their eye;
Empty people filled with care,
Headed who knows where.
On they go through private pain,
Living fear to fear;
Laughter hides the silent cries
Only Jesus hears.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
At the end of broken dreams,
He's the open door.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
When will we realize
People need the Lord.

We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong is right;
What could be too great a cost
For sharing life with one who's lost?
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear;
They must hear the Words of Life
Only we can share.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
At the end of broken dreams,
He's the open door.

People need the Lord,
People need the Lord;
When will we realize
That we must give our lives,
For people need the Lord.
People need the Lord.

2006-07-18T21:29:00.000-04:00

David Crowder Band: Only You

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it upto You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now

You should see the view
When it’s only You

----

i first heard this song sung at Campus Challenge... i really like it =) brings things back into perspective... yeah... it's been a few crazy busy weeks, hence no time to blog... but thankfully, this week's a bit lighter right before the final push of finals... and i finally have some time to sit down and reflect over the past few weeks...

updates..hmm...

i'm still unsure of where I am being called to minister next term... if God really asks me to let go of ccf, it's gonna be tough.. it's been my spiritual home for the past three years here in waterloo.. not to say that i won't attend anymore, just significantly less actively i suppose... over the past few weeks, it's kind of been like a tug of war wrt seeking my calling for next term... on the one side, God has answered my specific prayers in amazing ways and has given me opportunities to witness more... but then on the other hand, He's also really blessed me these past few weeks with the edifying presence, conversations, and prayers with lotz of brothers and sisters from ccf... i can't do both... i just wanna be obedient... Lord show me the way =) hehe... i'm sure He will...

i've been reading Revelations recently... if anyone has any really good infomraiton about the various theories of eschatology, let me know =) but yeah.. reading it has definitely got me thinking... even tho i may not understand the finer details of exactly how everything will pan out or which theological viewpoint i take on it, i've been thinking everytime i read a chapter that things are going to be bad... they're really really going to suck... the brokenness, sorrow, and pain we expeirence here now is like nothing compared with what's to come... it's actually a pretty scary thought, especially considering that brokenness is so apparent now in ppl's lives.... it's been more of a warning to me that the days ahead are goin to be tough..so much death, pain, famine, disease, darkness, deceivery... it's about as close as a living hell on earth as you can get.... my recollecitons can't really describe it, if your'e curious, go read revelations in detail yourself... reading revelations has been a constant reminder of the Great Commission... when i read it, ppl's names pop up into my head... and i fear that they will be left behind to face all these tribulations... i don't want them to... this has prompted me to really begin to pray harder for ppl's salvations... i want to see them when i get "up there" someday... i think part of my problem is that, in all honesty, i'm so used to living my life here on earth that i barely internalize the fact that Christ could come back at anyday... at the moment espeically when we least expect Him to... i rarely ever think about this... that's kinda bad... would i be living my life differently if i knew that He was coming, say... 1 year from today... the 'correct' answer would be that i should be living as if He coudl come anyday... i don't think i'm there yet...

in other news, i find this term that i've been discovering more of myself this term... i think when ppl tell me things, my brain starts producing thoughts at a very rapid pace... sometimes, i can't even keep up with my own thoughts... haha wierd... especially since i started taking psych 213: excpetional children and psch 312: learning disabilities... those two courses basically covered off every child's problems growing up, reasons behind it, symptoms, intervention strategies... ugh... so now that i have all that knowledge stuck in my head... it automatically pops up when i'm talkign with people... uncontrollably almost... i never used to psycho-analyze all these situations as critically as i do now... i can't not think about it either... they jsut come automatically... and it defintiely gives me a sneak peak at what ppl could possibly be dealing with behind all their exterior layers... gives me more specifics in what to pray for them... but at the same time, while this can be useful, it can also be overwhelming at times... with certain ppl... after talking with them, my brain can get overloaded with empathetic thoughts... i need to learn to directly translate those thoughts into prayers for ppl...

going home tmr (wed) overnite... will be able to see extended relatives from hk =) and go to a PwC event DT as well... hope that goes well... also get to hang out w/ family again... their visit up to waterloo last saturday was, altho unexpected, very cool =P haha.. and many thanks for marianne, alex lam, herman, and jane mok for helping me clean up the house... it still looks amazing, even a few days later =) it's cool to see other ppl using their spiritual gifts... that was an awesome exercise of the gift of serving... thank you.

2006-07-07T14:11:00.000-04:00

Faith:

random snippits of things i find interesting... (all taken from InTouch Ministries devotionals)

1. Weak faith says, "God can." Great faith says, "God will." But perfect faith—godly faith—says, "It's done." Your faith is your testimony. What does your faith say about God?

- my faith... as is customary of spiritual battles, sometimes i fall to having very weak faith, but the general pattern in the long run is increasing faith... i find that slowly God's been increasing my faith in Him in different areas of my life... starting with those elements farther away from my heart and then going closer and closer to what I hold in higher priority and what defines me as a being... i know that one of the places where i still have weaker faith is God's Sovereignty over my internal family issues... it's growing stronger tho..but still in that overall weak category unfortunately... it's been a good learning experience... sometimes i think it's good to just think about those areas in life where we have weak faith...acknolwedging our weaknesses helps us actively fight them and at least we are conscious of when the devil's trying to tear us down... and then beat it down with an "i'm going to kick your @ss" attitude of strength and power that comes from faith in God alone.

2. The stronger our faith is, the easier it will be to maintain our position in our spiritual battles. Soldier of God, are you holding firm?

- what does standing firm mean to you? to me, i think standing firm implies actively sharpening your faith through sharpening the armour of God which we constantly utilize to fight the spiritual battles... i think i definitely need to brush up my sword: the word of God... it's living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Hebrews 4:12)... i know that... but am i making that a reality? i can't say that i'm always sharpening my sword... but this is definitely a good reminder to be doing so... one thing i haven't tried to do in awhile is memorize Scripture... i want to try doing so again... it always impresses me when ppl really take the time and effort to memorize Scripture..i think they truly know the power in His words...

3. Faith trials teach endurance. We develop the stamina to bear up under heavy loads with-out discouragement because we trust that God will see us through. He increases our capacity by applying slight pressure. When we prove we can handle a little, He adds more, constantly working on our witness till we shine like gold.

- this is definitely true... haha the story of my life... or at least the past 3-4 years of it =)

2006-06-28T22:27:00.000-04:00

~Living the Life of an Accountant~

the past week has been pretty crazy... i haven't had much of a life outside of "group project-ing"... that being said, i've really enjoyed the gruelling hours spent doing the various group projects so far... i'm on my 4th one of the term.. and i'm really thankful for the time to hang out and get to know other fellow accountants... it's been long overdue... =) it's good to know that we're all dying in 3B together... there's this unity/tightness amongst accountants have that i have not seen elsewhere... they really do live life together... eat, party, study, work... altho we joke a lot, i know they're genuine and caring inside... i wish they could all know how loving God is.

once i come home from group projects or midterms, my antisocial button turns on... and off i go into my reclusive world... sometimes i know it's a bit hard to get things out of me when i'm in that mode cuz i simply don't try very hard to share what's in my head... i steer clear of large group settings where i have to be mentally very focused on the conversation at hand... instead, i choose to talk to one or two ppl...

i think it's been getting a lot better this past week and a half compared to the whole term... i know i have to continue to fight the tiredness... God has really been sustaining me this past week and renewing me daily so that I can serve Him with everything i've got. =) i've just gotta push myself to keep going...

and THANK YOU to those who ask me if i have any prayer requests... i do appreciate it... prayer is definitely one thing that has changed my life many times... =) thanks for being awesome brothers and sisters in Christ.

2006-06-16T11:32:00.000-04:00

Stirring up a Passion

all term, i've had this rather unsettling feeling about ccf... and as the term progressed, this unsettling feeling enlarged. it wasn't until earlier this past week that i realized that i haven't been very involved with ccf much this term at all... other than women's cell (which is separate from friday nite ccf activities)... i haven't been quite mentally there all the time on friday nites... mainly due to exhaustion from having just written a midterm prior to ccf... i rarely try to make time to meet up with ppl anymore... i don't try to actively engage in conversation with new ppl at ccf or ppl i haven't talked to in awhile... i've only gone to one or two prayer meetings all term.. i've been doing a lot of non-ccf stuff this term and have really been blessed by God in those areas... yeah... the list goes on =P to sum it up, there was a mixture of laziness, busyness, tiredness, and re-prioritizing.

that being said, God's given me opportunities this week amidst a crazy school schedule to talk to various ppl of all different age groups about ccf (ranging from frosh to grads)... it's good to know that i'm not alone in these thoughts...

to quote a friend, "when we gather, we bring matches together... but when you guys gathered, you guys brought torches"

to a certain extent, this statement my friend made summarizes the thoughts i've been having recently... i worry about the spiritual health of our fellowship... it's changed a lot over the past 3-4 years i've been here... it's not only the people, since grads leave every year... but the general community as a whole is strikingly different. Our current individual personalities, gifts, abilities, and passions are different. it's not a bad thing =P but it means that we're gonna have to find different ways of establishing the God-given community ccf once was.

we must continue to find ways of challenging each other on friday nites, outside of friday nites... and learn to go beyond the spoon-fed questions asked on friday nites... we've gotta be able to rebuke our brothers and sisters and be rebuked as well... we've gotta be able to talk about deep and meaningful conversations with those outside of our "circle" of ccf friends... we've gotta be able to come to our community and be edified through sharing our walks of life together... we've gotta be able to welcome everyone into this community and be acceptive of everyone's faults and weaknesses; and be at peace with each other... we've gotta strip down our negative stereotypes of ppl in the fellowship and step out and encourage them to serve and back each other up.... we've gotta be brave enough to voice our opinions about this fellowship, even if it means that we've gotta step on some ppl's toes... we've gotta be able to humbly serve each other, especially in the small and insignificant things... we've gotta bring back the unquenchable joy (which is distinctly different than happiness) we have in our Saviour... let's allow the praises in our hearts shine through us and worship God together.

if there's one thing i can do, that is pray . unceasingly. i implore you to do the same... nothing will happen if the people in this ccf community are not compelled to pray for our spiritual health.

i've been learning to let go of ccf this term... gonna be 4A this fall... with a heaviest courseload of accounting courses i've ever had... and i feel God calling me to other ministries... i do not feel called to active leadership in ccf anymore... but God-willing, I really pray that God will give me the perseverance to do what a friend told me 2 years ago --> to be a prayer warrior for ccf.

i pray in faith that when God calls each member of ccf to serve in their invaluable role, that you would be obedient. especially the 2nd and 3rd year -to-be's (this fall), you guys are an integral unit of this body of Christ.

IGNITE THE FLAME Father.

Consuming Fire - Tim Hughes

Verse 1:
There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Chorus:
Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Verse 2:
Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall

Bridge:
Stir up in our hearts Lord
A Passion for Your Name (repeat)

~ Amen.

2006-06-06T22:54:00.000-04:00

originally, i was goin to blog about the application between one of my psych courses and my family situation...but i can't... my mind is kind of in disjunction...

I need the Lord's guidance... i think i'm beginning to see a very tough choice that i'm going to have to make soon... perhaps one of the hardest things i've had to do... it's gonna be pain-filled, but ultimately, it's the right thing to do. Things are way out of my league now, far beyond what I'm supposed to handle. i have nothing to say. i feel like things are at a loss, but ultimately, You are IN CONTROL. I will remain faithful in my prayers....

God give me courage and boldness to do what you have called me to do. [your prayers are appreciated]

It is well with my soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

2006-06-04T18:43:00.000-04:00

Sabbath Time =)

i'm going to opt out of prayer meeting tonite and spend some time in meditation with my Father instead.

first off, i'ld like to thank my heavenly Father for answering my prayer... again, i am shown His great mercy... His great POWER.... all i have in my heart is gratitude and JOY. gotta keep praying.. it truly is a miracle what God has already done :D :D

Prayer item #1: continually answered after 4 months of persistent prayer.
Prayer item #2: continually answered after 1 year, 4 months of passionate prayer.

it's june...and i've had 3 opportunities to go home on the weekend already since the beginning of the term =) haha.. this beats my # of times going home/term by 3x already compared to my 2A term =P hehe... i'm really thankful that I got the chance to do so... home is always good... i quite miss it actually =P that being said, i have to keep persistent in my prayers re: home... altho it's defintiely less stressful living here in waterloo, a large part of me wants to be home and to be sharing with them in the trials there... i don't want to have certain people feel like they're facing it alone... phone calls, msn doens't work in terms of finding out how it's really like back home...

--

i've realized that over the past 3 years, iv'e gotten to know myself a lot better... it's a good thing, but it comes with more responsiblity... i know my weaknesses... i know the circumstances that i'm more likely to fall in... i know how my brain works in internal struggles... i know how my brain can tend to wander... i realize when i'm stressed and when i'm not... i know the situations when my patience wears thin... i know when i'm being plain lazy vs. when i'm unsure of myself or God... so... the responsibiltiy lies in controlling myself and fighting even harder against the things that i know want to strike me down... only in and through Christ.

--

at Campus Challenge, during the University time, the question was asked --> What is your vision(s) for CCF? -- at the time, i coudlnt' think of anything concrete until we broke up into smaller groups that nite... that's when God really placed the burden in my heart...

how well do we really know each other at ccf? how much do you know about the person you call a "close friend"? are we really a community of believers that is there to share in our joys and sorrows together? sharing -- entails that we know about each other's joys and sorrows... i think that when something good happens to us, we're pretty open to sharing about what great things God has done in our lives... or of how we were in pain and now are healed through Christ...

that's great =) but there's more... what about the times when things are actually pretty much sucks crap... this applies to every single person in the community -- whether you are a committe ememeber, a cell group leader, a small group/BS leader, a welcome table host, an AV specialist, a table/chair setter, a refreshments maker, a worship leader, a photocopier, ... point is..whatever your equally valued role is... it makes no difference in the Body of Christ... the challenge still applies: how open are you with in sharing your deeper struggles to a brother(s)/sister(s) that you know "well"? how willing are you to ask this ccf community for prayers -- for your lost hope, repetitious sins, internal brokenness, depression, family issues, deep hurtful injustice done to you, etc... I.E. would at least one person in this fellowship know that your family is in shambles and a family member is about to move out? woudl at least one person in this fellowhip know that you've lost the meaning for life or that it's hard to wake up each day to crap? would you be feeling the support through prayer of at least one other person in this community? are we facing these things alone when we have this loving community God has given us?

and on the flip side, how well are you getting to know others? i'm not implying that we should all be in your face and force ppl to share everything personal... what i am saying is let's be more transparent with each other... that's the only way we can dig beneath the surface... have you heard of the phrase "it takes one to know one"? i think it's very true... it takes a broken sinner to know another broken sinner. i guess we've all gotta realize the brokenness in our own lives before we can begin to fathom other ppl's brokenness... remember, God is the God of the brokenhearted.

2006-05-29T15:08:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile =)

a lot has happened since i last blogged but i never got around to bloggin about it... :P haha... i dont' even know where to start... hmmmm... haha...alrite..this is gonna be a LONGGG one =) things will be in no particular order...

Women's Cell
we've had 2 meetings so far... and i think they went pretty well praise God =) I really thank God for brining so many ppl to the group..last week, we had around 15 ppl -- which is sooo many for the summer term and in general especially since women's cell attendance has been quite low over the past year or so... it's also a challenge at the same time to try to get to know everyone on a good deeper level... God's presence was definitely with us at last week's meeting and also after the meeting when lorna, calla, and i prepped for the next meeting until 2:30 am (we effectively prepped so much material that it will last for 2.5 weeks :D ) ... Although there have been a lot of visible "fruits" i pray that we will be humbled daily and be obedient as facilitators of women's cell to where God is leading the group. i'm sitting here thinking now and i am amazed at the strong women of God that have joined the group... even tho some of them may not even realize it, they are indeed females that i respect because of their unwavering faith in God and because of their brokenness before God in fighting their own individual spiritual battles. I am excited to see God's power in this group over this term and i pray that as we continue to share our brokenness together, God will mold us into a community of sisters who will correct, rebuke, and encourage each other with great patience and careful instruction (2 Timothy 4).

Fellowship w/ Sisters
sisters in Christ are so cool =) i thank God for each of you who have made an impact on my life...whether you are younger, older, the same age, or even my blood sister... i thank you for showing me what fellowship amongst sisters is like... i thank you for your prayers -- steady, continuous, bold, last-minute... i thank you for your time -- the meals, the coffee, the shopping, the random chillin, the phone calls... i thank you for your encouragement, listening ear, and advice -- for keeping up with me even when i'm so busy and for being blunt with me and knowing when to say things and when to sit back and listen... i thank you for your sharing -- your openness in sharing what lies beneath the surface... i thank you for your rebuking -- patient, gentle, yet to the point.... and finally, i thank you for showing Christ's love towards me. Whether we've only talked once this term or as often as every few days, thank you.

Fellowship w/ Brothers
hehe... almost as cool as my sisters in Christ =P j/k... for the older bros, thank you for taking care of me -- for the inspirational talks, the grilling, the mind-boggling talks and also checking up on me.... i also thank you for your prayers -- for praying for me even when i did not openly share the specifics and also praying for the specifics when i did share... i thank you for your encouragement + advice -- and providing a guy's perspective on things... and allowing me to broaden my perspective on various life issues... for the younger bros, thank you for your subtle yet strong encouragement -- through your growing maturity, your eagerness to serve, your passion for God, and the deep talks... thanks guys.

Physical Health
i guess many of you may not know that i've been having some breathing/asthma problems as of late... in addition to that, my eating patterns have been kinda off recently as well... wierd...i dunno the causes... i know i've been taking my physical health for granted... it's so easy to do that and abuse your body -- via unhealthy eating habits (junk food, fried stuff all the time, and not enough water), a lack of physical exercise (even for the unsporty types), and screwed up sleeping patterns (guilty!)... and on top of all that, the human body is so complex that there's prolly a lot of biological random reasons why one's body can mess up... and there's not a thing you can do about it... yeah... so i think i'm gonna take some tests when i finish exams in August to find out whether i really have asthma or smthg worse that is genetically pre-disposed...

School/Academics
hehe, i figure i have to blog about school considering that i'm studying in loo (3B) now... yeah...nothing much here besides that the intense times are just beginning now... i finished my first time midterm last friday... and now comes the rush of multiple midterms, essays, group projects, researching, presentations, and normal hmk... it's all good... any worrying/stress related to school decreases as i progress through university... that being said, i dont' wanna become too cocky in saying that i won't have any school-related stress as long as i continue to look at the bigger picture... i pray that I can be a good witness in my academics to my peers... sometimes i really think that they have this impression of me that i have this lack-lustre attitude towards aiming for high marks in school -- which isn't true... i'm still learning by God's grace how to be the best witness i can... it's very tough sometimes...

Campus Challenge
it was pretty cool =) my first time going... i think the thing that stuck out to me the most was that that i'm not alone in my accounting struggles and to really trust God with my future career... i went to this mentorship workshop led by Sandra smthg... and she had this half hour powerpoint presentation about the important milestones/people in her life... like me, she was CBC, from Waterloo, in Accounting, invovled in CCF, involved in ASA, had a very traditional Chinese family, felt the accounting pressures, etc..hehe the list goes on... the whole time throughout her presentation, Sandra was smiling and she had this inner strength about her life and the choices she made... even tho when she failed the UFE for the first time, she didn't give up in fulfilling God's calling for her life of ministry... although things seemed so set for her to become a CA, God was calling her elsewhere -- which eventually led to her becoming an elementary school teacher... i was amazed at how God really took the reins of her life and led her towards a completely different path... and how He has blessed her work life over the past few years... so cool =) hehe... i didn't come out with the attitude of "maybe i should be like Sandra and totally screw accounting".. but rather i hope that i can learn to be thankful for God's placement for my life in UW Accounting rite now... my life may not be as inflexible as i think it is... gotta persevere, who knows what i'll be doing in 5-10 years..could be totally accounting related or i could be doing smthg totally unrelated... but in the meantime... God's teaching me many lessons through accounting... gaining technical accounting knowledge has a deeper purpose..maybe it's supposed to prepare me for... la la la who knows.

Finally, i guess for those of you who don't know... i'm going out with Alexis rite now... =)
he just left back to Vancouver this afternoon after spending 10 days in Ontario... God's really blessed us and i'm thankful for the time we could spend with each other, & with each other's friends and family... thx for your support friends =P it's tough now... but i pray that God will continue to be the centre of our relationship and that we can both be molded together into becoming more Christ-like.

2006-05-10T17:39:00.000-04:00

decisions....

life is about prioritizing... but i think it's also about obedience... obedience to God's call to where He wants you to be every single day...

how do we prioritize? the all-encompassing answer would be to have God at the centre of everything you do... and look to do things with eternal value... and work your best in everything you do... those are some great reminders....

but... i find i have lots of time to pray and seek God's will in a variety of ways when i have time to do so... soemtimes, decisions need to be made quick... and those choices are just as important as other ones for which i have more time to decide...

there's an element of trust in God for decision-making.. and some risk-taking... by nature, i'm a very low-risk kinda person... and i really like to think things through in order to make an infomred decision... sometimes God doesnt' allow for that... =P it's a wonder how we're made...and how our rational/emotional/intellectual/spiritual mindsets are woven together... sometimes... are we jsut supposed to make a decision and stick with it?

this brings me back to yesterday nite:
i picked up a book that i started reading last term on godliness last nite..and it talked about being dependable...

"If we probe a bit deeper, we see that "unfaithfulness" is very close to "disobedience," for the man who disobeys God has cast himself loose from the only solid support a man can have, and his direction in life will be controlled by the shifting winds of circumstances and of his whimsical desire... The man who is not controlled by God has no settled reason to keep his word or discharge his obligations."

"Reliability is not jsut a social obligation; it is a spiritual obligation. God wants us to be dependable even when it costs us. This is what distinguishes godly faithfulness from the ordinary dependability of secular society."

hmm...so yeah..about that decision making... i am starting to believe that some decisions God definitely reveals to us the speicifc action/thought He wants us to engage in... but at other times, when we need to make a quick important decision, God doens't let us know specifically which route he wants us to take... some chocies are equally morally acceptable... so...i suppose choose one and stick with it... and don't think too much about it aftwards.. have faith... and live life, not extremely cautious, nor extremely free-spirited...but somewhere in between... but do stick with your choices and consequences --> thus is dependability... and even if it turns out later on that an even better opportunity comes along, we should still stick with our original decision... (being dependable, even when it costs us)...in the big things as well as the little things...

hehe..now on application... waterloo rhccc parousia fellowship?

2006-05-02T14:15:00.000-04:00

Take up the Challenge and FIGHT =)

i've only been back in waterloo for not even 3 full days and i think God's already revealed part of the struggles and battles to face this term... iv'e had 4 months of my own things to deal with back home and now i feel thrusted into the deep waterloo atmosphere again...

these are issues that run so deep but the most powerful weapon we have is prayer.

yesterday nite's talk was very challenging in so many different ways... so many issues were brought up... i don't want things to keep heading towards this downhill spiral... i know there are others who are fighting alongside me... it's going to be tough, but i pray that we are willing to fight for what we believe in.

2006-04-30T17:48:00.000-04:00

Profound reminder before the beginning of the term

Taken from a book i started to read today:

"Now--listen carefully. Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling -- don't try and feel forgiving. It is an act of the will. "Don't wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving," wrote Neil Anderson. "You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." We allow God to bring the hurt up from our past, for "if your forgiveness doesn't visit the emotional core of your life, it will be incomplete," said Anderson. We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to those that hurt us. This is not saying, "it didn't really matter"; it is not saying, "I probably deserved part of it anyway." Forgiveness says, "It was very wrong. Very Wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God."

apart from this one exerpt, the book is giving me a lot to think/pray about =) GOOD TIMES!!

in my last post, the final lesson i learnt last term was on forgiveness... let me continue that thought...

i think i finally am beginning to understand forgiveness better... "Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made." hehe... i'm in that stage rite now actually... it took a whole year exactly plus or minus a few days for me to make the choice and follow through on the choice to forgive... now i guess i realize that it is okay that my feelings are taking time to heal... in fact, it's normal... there's a sense of peace.

=) i had a great day today... it was very much needed after a very exhausting tax season... i unknowingly find myself back in waterloo, back to class, back to ccf, back to living on my own, back to cooking, and most of all... back to time where i can just sit and meditate at any time of the day for an extended period in my own room... wow... i like my solitude =) for some reason, life seems a lot slower today than it has been for the past two months... i've enjoyed the time spent with just me and God today =) soooo good :D haha... it was so needed :P

it makes me wonder though... the university years are not goin to last... i know that i can spend a complete day with God here in Loo without having any time/exhaustion limits placed on me... but what happens when i get back out in the "real" world? when work, social, and family pressures flood? it actually wasn't physcially possible for me to get away last term at home and just meditate with God for a full day on my own, away from everyone... the best i got was a few hours after work at nite before i passed out... it lasted me through the term cuz i felt God's presence constantly at my side day in day out... Thank God for that... =)

tmr's the first day of school already... i'm still very much in work mode... haha... i need to go and spend $500 on books... whoopee =P then i get to read them :D ooohhh!!! INCOME TAX ACT! o_O hahaha... fun times...

2006-04-23T19:34:00.000-04:00

Only 5-6 more days left of work!!!! :)

hehe..i'm very excited to get a change of pace and get outta that exhausting workplace environment... i can hide out in waterloo for 8 months until i have to go at it again =P

well...it's april 23, and as another term passes, it's time for the termly reflection of lessons learnt...

all of a sudden, i'm starting to feel old... after getting reminded that i'm gonna be one of the oldest ppl left at ccf this upcoming year, i feel so "chan" (worn out) sometimes... but i think it's kinda enjoyable in a wierd way... i think i'm at that spot in life again in between terms when i look back at the struggles i've faced and i'm kinda curious to see what's gonna happen next.... haha at the end of every term, i can't imagine the trials getting even more difficult in the coming term but there's an acknowledgement that they will... i got reminded again today at church how the closer we grow with God, the more difficulties we'll face in life... it just keeps getting harder and harder =P and at the same time we become better equiped with part of God's character being sown in us through our past experiences of faith and trust...

hehe i'm gonna try to make this as coherent as possible =P

Lesson #1
i've learnt about the importance of sabbaths and being daily renewed by God. b/c i am so stubborn and i like to rely on my own strength... i usually get screwed cuz i was being dumb =) i don't think i've ever been so tired for such an extended period of time before... last tax season wasn't as bad... but God's not gonna just renew you daily if you don't ask for it, if you dont realize that you need it, and if you don't put Him first in your life.. i think that in the past i've kinda just taken for granted that i'll be renewed by God when areas of my life become pressured... that's not the way it works though.. and i'm definitley not being humble before God if i think like that... taking for granted that God's gonna renew you is different than always having faith that God can renew you... it's like my brain wants to fastforward to the renewal stage and bypass the whole "come before God" step... (come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest" matt11:29) ... come to Him, acknowledge Him, seek Him... i think my fault in taking God for granted in this way degrades His character... and without even realizing it, my view of God becomes incomplete... i start to forget that He wants a relationship with me... and He's not only a powerful God who can do anything.. He is that, and so MUCH MORE. He's my Father, He's my Joy, He's my Hope, He's my first Love. In addition to developing an incomplete view of God, taking God for granted in giving the weary rest makes us more selfish... when we focus too much on getting rest from God, it's so easy to just want to take, take, and take some more from God without surrendering our lives to Him and worshipping God. i think it's been a struggle i've faced almost every term...and only now do i realize it... the whole "i want rest from God, and i want it NOW!" ugh!... i'm such a selfish impatient bum sometimes... well... it'll continue to be a challenge for me every school and work term but i hope that the Lord will continue to change my heart so that i can focus on praising Him.

Lesson #2
i've learnt about the importance of memorizing Scripture and being filled with the Word... or at the bare minimum, reading it over and over again in hopes of becoming more familiar with the Scripture... it's so true that God's Word protects us... it protected me from making some pretty bad choices... and especially when i was feeling distraught, God's Words appeared over and over again in my thoughts... it keeps me going when i'm exhausted... it reminds me of God's Sovereignty... i was reading Colossians earlier this term... and i was so challenged by this:

*Colossians 3:16*
"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God."

The past couple of terms at ccf, i've been hearing this verse over and over again.. in people's prayers, in people's sharings... i think the passage has come alive in my life over the past term at home... it holds so much power in my own life... not only in times of doubt and pain, but also in times of joy and renewal.... i think that is also a challenge for me... to not only remember and rely on Scripture when i'm in those downtimes..but to remember and rely on Scripture just as much when things are going smoothly... when something awesome happens in my life... i praise and thank God, but the Scripture doesn't flow out of my thoughts and prayers like they do when i'm in a downtime.... why is that?? even on my blogs... i quote Scirptures when i'm in the midst of a struggle..but why do i not quote Scripture when i'm praising the Lord? whyyy? i dunno... am i being too senstive? thoughts anyone?

*Hebrews 4:12*
"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

Lesson #3
waiting on the Lord =) it's soooo good to wait on the Lord... working in His time is so much better than workin in our time... especially with regards to decision making... ie. what ministries to serve in, if and how to help others, when to do things and when not to do them... i'm no expert in discovering the will of God... but i think there's a state that our heart has to be in before God reveals part of His plan to us, whenever He chooses to do so... waiting on the Lord helps get rid of all that impatience we have in us... and sometimes the longer we wait upon the Lord, we can kinda see where our intentions lie... why do we want to serve in that specific area, or why do we wnat to help that person, or why do i want to do this thing now... waiting on the Lord enables us to dig deeper and figure out if we have the right motivations and intentions for doing various things in life... there were many times when i've learnt to wait on the Lord this term and through that, He showed me where my heart was... sometimes it wasn't in the right place and the time of waiting kept me from making wrong choices... There's an overwhelming sense of peace that i can't really explain in words when we learn to wait upon the Lord... people someitmes ask.. waiting on the Lord..okay..wait for what? i've learnt this term to try to not ask that question too often.. i'm nto saying that it's wrong to wait for God's answer to prayer or guidance in decision-making..but i am saying that waiting on the Lord entails more than that... it embodies your whole soul waiting =P i'm still figuring out what it means for my soul to wait...

*Psalms 130:5*
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Lesson #4
this term God was so awesome and He gave me some opportunities to share with some non-believers a bit about my faith... =) very cool :D i've learnt that God's in control of these sharing times... and sometimes, God doesn't open the doors to sharing about the faith openly until a while after you meet ppl =P i think it's important to know what to say if ppl ever ask you questions...but it's also equally as important to build up friendshpis with people and be a good ambassador for Christ right from the very beginning... to be a bold ambassardor for Christ... let the Christ=like-ness just ooze out of you, from your words, your thoughts, and yoru actions... yah... sometimes i know i'm not exactly living up to the highest standard of resprenting Christ in all i do.. and i feel bad... i don't want others to think that there's nothign different in my life... and i dont' ever wanna become a carnal Christian... it's very tough... especially working in the corporate world.. and at the same time, i am no better than them... i have no right to call people worldy if they have different beliefs than me... that's what i learned... the hard way :P

Lesson #5
perhaps one of the hardest lessons learnt... and i don't even know if i can say that i learnt it..more like still trying to figure it all out... i think i can say that i've forgiven a particular person..but i'm still trying to reconcile accepting the person for who they are despite their shortcomings with relearning to respect that person again.... i'm rather lacking in the respect part...and that's no good.. 1) the anger has passed away... 2) the pain has been rehealed.... 3) the forgiveness is there.... 4) the respect is not tho... i really thank God for being with me during those 3 initial steps... and now in the 4th step... God was soo patient with me in those different stages over such a long period of time... haha it's a miracle that God already got me this far :P ... it took a lot of brokenness... i dun know exactly how to describe those times of brokenness this past term other than.... it was toughhhhh :P haha... but God's pruning always is :) or it won't work as well... hehe

.... so there u have it... i think the top 5 lessons i learnt this past term... up next: 3B in loo...

2006-04-12T20:53:00.000-04:00

Stress

everyone has their own way of dealing with it... my question is, what do you do when you are tempted to stress?

for me, i need to take periodic "time-outs" and just spend the time with God... this usually happens after i get home from work... and i will not make time for other people if i have not made time for God first. sometimes it's a bit frustrating when people do not realize that, but that's life =P and it's kinda hard to explain to someone that i need to spend time alone with God and if that means being a bit more antisocial in the month of april, so be it =P

for those of you whom i haven't talked to in awhile, i'm still alive =P hehe and thank you for your prayers.

as i was driving home today, i started thinking if people can see Christ living in me even in the midst of such a crazy, hectic, exhausting work schedule.... i know at work some people have noticed that i pray before each meal... but is that all? does my life reflect Christ in the eyes of the unbelieving world... it is always such a big challenge when i think about it... can i be different in the way i handle stress from work? can i be different in the way i deal with screwed up files, annoying clients, pissed off partners, and anal coworkers? so very challenging =)

i know i can...but it is only possible if Christ is the centre of my life all the time... its got to be a conscious effort everyday... and every hour, every minute... the things i deal with at work, school, home, wherever i am --> Christ is the centre of them... and it's those times when i forget to honour Christ's supremacy in my life and lay my burdens at His feet that stress finds its way into my life... God renews me day by day... i defintiely don't deserve so much of God's grace in my life but i am very thankful for it...there is no one like Him.

Christ, be the centre of our lives. Be the place we fix our eyes.
Be the centre of our lives.
We lift our eyes to heaven, we wrap our lives around Your life.
We lift our eyes to heaven, to You

*edit post* 12:20 am
okay...i feel it... BRING it... let me fight it... together with Christ by my side. fight it and not let the devil win.

2006-04-08T22:44:00.000-04:00

Praise the Lord =)

:D :D :D i don't even know where to start =)

i'm very very thankful for God's answer to prayer. I think it's been about 3 years now... it's been a long and rough journey... but prayers are definitely being answered =)

today is my sister's 14th birthday =) and over dinner my sister shared with us that she decided not to hang out with certain friends. She actually said her reasoning behind her decision was that since she began to hang out with these few people, her marks in school have gone down significantly and she began to go hang out with her friends almost everyday after school... aka she noticed that her friends had a negative influence on her... she shared that the negative influence really struck her when she got 0.5/20 on her math test last week and she finally realized how far down her life had gone...

i was so surprised to see how mature she had grown in just a few short weeks... and she credited it to TC where she was "changed"... she dedicated her life to Christ and she's been trying not to swear and to try harder in school...and this week she decided to change the group of friends she hangs out with... all this coming from a 14 year old...i was so impressed and I can really see the hand of God working in her life....

God is changing her heart and molding her =) hehehe i'm soooo happie!!!! the years of prayer really ignited this past week... =) and i can hear her singing in her room beside me to worship music... it's truly inspiring.

thank you God sooooooooo much! words cannot express my deep gratitude and joy =)

hahaha...turns out that when i move out from home.... i have to take andrea with me.. LOL! she'll be 18 by at that time... that's what my dad said... then he and my mom can move into a condo and be free from us =P hahahha... that'll be nice... hehe family inside jokes are so hilarious! we've got so many of them in my family... =P it's a good reminder that God is always very much in control of my family. thankyou.

2006-04-03T18:10:00.000-04:00

In Christ Alone:

Brian Littrell - In Christ Alone

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal to the grace by which I stand

Chorus:
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone do I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

AMEN
---

that is what i listened to on repeat all the way home from work today... the 15 minute drive home allowed my brain to rest a bit... but even now as i type, my eyes kinda burn and it's only 6:19 pm... crazy :P

i was thinking on the way home to one of my previous blogs...

excerpt from Dec.15/05 blog:
"but u see how since 1B the issues got bigger and bigger.... altho at the time, each trial seemed pretty encompassing... it's like the more you grow... the more you learn.... then next up, God has an even bigger lesson to teach you... something that will break you down on a completely different level... (break down...not as in .. "cries, boo hoo my life sux" kinda break down... but more like finding who you are in God's eyes over and over again, and each time, He brings new aspects to light) ... and thus, your faith and confidence in the Lord also grows stronger.

and if u think about it... it can get kinda scarie... u think that whatever your'e going thru is bad... the worse is yet to come =P hehe...and it's kinda true tho ^_^... BUT realize that He never gives you trials more than you can bear... and if u really think about it... Matthew 11: 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." "

even from the time i wrote that blog, indeed, the spiritual battle has gotten more fierce only within a matter of a few months... and i can feel that God is breaking me down again... today, i kinda felt tired and weary.... and i hear God calling out: "Come to me, all who are tired and weary, and I will give you rest." =) boy, do i need some rest...i'm not talkign abour physical rest..cuz altho i get tonz of that, it doesn't make much of a difference in terms of mental, emotional, and spiritual rest.

and In Christ Alone -- there, lies my source of strength and hope.

i cannot fight the fight on my own strength.

---

i've realized that this past term, i've really missed praying with other brothers and sisters.... i was praying with some ppl last friday when the RHCCC university aged fellowhsip was held at my house ( i only found this out the day of ). there is so much strength with prayer in numbers... haha it took me 3 months to see how big of a difference it makes to be constantly prayign with others... and sharing about your personal issues and praising GOd together... iv'e got a month left... and well... haha it's kind of a lost cause for the rest of htis term....but defintiely next work term something needs to change... gotta find my prayer buddies in TO =)

---

i've been wondering...do i internalize other ppl's needs too much? i was told last week that i shoudl actually start caring more for myself and let ppl deal with their own stuff by themselves...

hmmm... it seems kinda wrong to me tho.... it's kinda of hard to explain to certain ppl... by caring for ppl, i am NOT tryign to fill their needs, that is God's job =) i think this is a key point that stops ppl from being burnt out. By visiting, talking, and praying with&for someone, i am not trying to fill whatever needs they have, but rather share part of God's love to others and be there to listen, so that in all things, His name will be glorified...

there's a lot of pain in this world... everyone's got their own share... i've definitely got mine that i constantly deal with... can you see past your own pain to reach out to others? actually no...it's more than seeing past your own pain...cuz ppl can just suppress their own issues and choose not to deal with them and just focus on others...but that isn't necessarily the way to go either...

quesiton is..how do you reconcile your own pain when loving others? it's kinda hard to explain...but learning self-less-ness and Christ-centered-ness are the two things that i strongly believe in. i struggle a lot with it too when things get crappy at home with increasing school/work pressure and at the same time, other people are looking for support, encouragement, and prayer and your ministries are getting increasingly more heavy... BUT haha, let's continue to fight the tiredness, the discouragement, the selfishness, the pride, and shine brightly for God =)

- try to take time to get out of your own bubble... and realize that the world does not consist of only you and your own struggles... look around you, you won't have to look far to discover that practically everyone around you is hurting too.... it is our duty to share GOd's love with others... and i'm sure that GOd has blessed each person withs pecific gifts and talents and different ways of expressing GOd's love to others... so just go for it in whichever way God has blessed you to do it =)

- focus on Christ.. the cross... what that means.. as Christians, we do have freedom in Christ... and God always keeps his promise to not only take care of us, but continualy build us up stronger if we surrender fully to Him... and oh..what about having the joy of the Lord always in yoru hearts? It IS possible to suffer and have the joy of hte Lord in your heart.... alongside joy, keeping a heart of thanksgiving is also very crucial to keepin Christ-centered. haha sorry, kinda jumbled thoughts now... but yeah.... pray PRAY P.R.A.Y.!!!!!

=) Thank you God.

2006-03-23T21:05:00.000-05:00

Faith

resilient -- re·sil·ient

Marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune.
Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed.

hmm...that makes me wonder...

can i call myself resilient?

1. being able to recover readily, as from misfortune... this is only available to me through my faith in Jesus Christ... the more circumstances are put in front of me, the more i realize how completely powerless i am without God... that being said, sometimes i feel like i can't seem to recover as readily as i should... it's not i dont' have enough faith to see past the situation at hand and God's Sovereignty in it... but sometimes at the end of the day, i can feel so mentally exhausted... can i be recovering readily while being metally spent at the same time? it doesn't quite work out all the time... the only thing that keeps me sane in the midst of the whirlwind of life is the times of solitude and the weekly (or however often i can manage) Sabbath times... Thank God for those times of renewal...

somebody brought up the point that while it's great for me to have these times of solitude, sabbath, bloggin, etc... they are all done alone... mostly away from other brothers and sisters in Christ... and prolly the closest thing you will get from me in terms of constant sharing is through this blog of mine... but...how healthy is that? if you ask me what's up, i won't shy away from telling you things... but i think it's prolly in my nature to initally keep these things to myself and work my thoughts and actions out with God first... and then share with others... i prefer not to do it the other way around... =) thank you to those who consistently keep up with me... i do appreciate it.

2. Capable of returning to an original shape or position -- what's my original shape or position? ^_^ --> 1 Peter 2:9-10

"9But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 10Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy."

=) i'm gonna try the morning short meditation periods again.. last time i did them consistently, they were really amazing... how great would it be if the first thing i thought of after i woke up each morning was "i belong to God; He has called me out of darkness and into His marvelous light" hehe... OH YEAH!!! good mornign to you too =) we'll see how this works out...

2006-03-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

Plans

i wonder what God has in store for me next term... there's gonna be some tough decisions that will have to be made soonish... well whenever God decides to reveal His plan to me =)

sometimes i feel like i'm stuck inbetween two worlds... the modern corporate society vs. what seems to be the small-town pace of life...

decisions regarding my future career aspirations... and the steps i'll have to take now to get there... ugh... the aggressiveness and competitivenss goes against my personality...

because of what I believe in, i have different priorities than what other ppl may have... but at the same time, we're called to be good stewards of our time and the gifts and abilities that God has given us... sometimes it makes me wonder if i'm really being a good steward of anything accounting related...

i've come to realize that i really don't like being pushed to do things... i usually like to take my sweet time doing things.. this relates to most areas of my life... sometimes it works out well, sometimes not so well...

it's almost like reverse psychology..the more ppl push me to do things..the less likely it is that i'll get it done soon or ever... i think that ppl push me to achieve more academically/career-wise a lot... i know they really mean the best for me... but i suppose i dont' place as high an emphasis on "succeeding" becuase i don't think that career success will make me very happy and satisfied in life...

at the same time, that doens't mean that i can jsut kinda bum around all thruout uni and jsut get enough marks to pass.. nor does it mean that i shouodln't set some goals for myself...

i do have hopes and dreams in life... but i estimate that about 90% of them have nothing to do with a future job at all... i guess it makes up for others looking down upon me b/c it appears to them like i have no drive to succeed.

let me share some of my hope and dreams... perhaps they'll come a reality later on in life...

1. family issues will disappear. healing will come...

2. that andrea will really grow and mature into a strong woman of God ^_^

3. that my non-believing friends and family can come to know Him personally as their Saviour and Lord.... and for my buddies who seem to be slipping away from the faith to rediscover Christ in their lives...

4. that all the people i talk to now will be able ot lift their burdens and fears to God and really overcome whatever life throws at them with the armour of God... in addition, that they will be able to discover waht it means to have joy in their suffering.

5. that the people i talk to now will be able to boldly proclaim their own testimonies to others around them...

6. that in my future work place, i'll be able to shine brightly for God and always be ethical in all accounting decisions... and really love and care for the peopel that God will place in my life...

7. that i'll live life sensitive to God's Spirit everyday and in complete surrender to His will. I wanna be challenged in life... and i'm sure i will be =P

8. waiting to spend eternity up there w/ God.

=) that's just some of them...

hehe there are always things to look forward to... and i'll be rejoicing so much if these things become reality... but even now when it seems like life is so far away from my hopes and dreams... God's name will still be praised =) let's take the focus off ourselves and onto Him.

2006-03-09T22:16:00.000-05:00

Temporarily flustered, but ultimately at peace.

it isn't everyday that you get called both a bitch and an asshole and told not to care and not to love me all within 10 minutes.

i think we both need a time out... i'm just gonna let go of her... it's not my role to be her second parent... i dont' want to be her second parent.... i'm gonna cut down my contact with her... no shopping, no food, no theatres, no movies, no random chiling, and just let her live her own life... and when she's ready, we'll start hanging out again... until then, let her make her own mistakes.... it's actually been such a long time since we last fought... prolly over a year even... but dang... =P when she blows up.. dangggg... i need to get outta the way! at least now it's only words... and not actions...

i think i've learnt how to deal with adhd... under any other normal circumstance, the words would probably hurt... but it barely hits me anymore... i know it's not how she means it to be... the raging emotions is a part of her that she can't control once she gets so pissed off...

but honestly tho... i don't know what a good approach would be to all this...

like ____, and just not really even talk to her at all... just play every now and then, and PRAY

like ____, and give her books read and videos to watch, and PRAY

like ____, and give all those lectures, and PRAY

cuz my approach is obviously not working very well... i've crossed the line. sorry kiddo.

i just remembered now what i was telling someone yesterday... in this whole world, she is probably without a doubt in my mind the person (who is a human) i care about the most... =) hehe i guess that makes it super hard to let go =P

my dad said something tonite over his celebratory birthday dinner that really touched me tonite... he told andrea that he's actually jealous of all the time that i spend with her... always taking her out each weekend... wow... i'm still kinda processing that... i guess time is very precious indeed..

i love you sweetie... and i

---*edit post*---

and 2 hrs later... after the apologies... there's no more tension... it's a hard life having to adjust to ppl's fiery tempers... and trying to understand ppl's emotional instability at times... it's ok tho =) the Lord is with us always

2006-03-04T15:55:00.000-05:00

"I'm very disappointed in you... just wanted to let you know." click.

=) have you ever had those words spoken to you before? hehe...it ranks rite up there with "what's the becoming of you?" (blog post sometime in summer of 2004 i believe)...

altho that time, the things said were very valid and i would completely agree =P this time... it's like playing with fire... i don't wanna say anything to further ignite the fire... guess it's gonna be another one of those "suck it up" times =) all is well... hehe bring it!!!!!!

i think back to what pastor fred said at winter retreat a couple of months ago... you are able to most effectively minister to others who are dealing with the same things you have dealt with before.... tis very true =P it's a very humbling experience..

----
random thoughts:

what do you say to people when they ask you how you are doing? sometimes... honestly i don't know how to answer... it's such a vague question..

how are you doing today?
how is work?
how is school?
how are things in life treating you?
how was "such and such" event?
how are things back home?
how is your sister doing?
how is your spiritual life?
how are your ministries goin?
how are your devos and prayer life doing?
how is your communication with God?
how has God answered your prayers recently?
how has/hasn't your Christian support network been caring for you?
how has God been molding you recently?
how has God been breaking you recently?
how firm is your trust and faith in God on a daily basis?

^_^ see what i mean? the list of quesitons start off vague and then end off pretty personal... i think it's fine to start off with some normal ones near the top of the list.. but hopefully as you get to know ppl better you get more comfortable with asking quesitons closer towards the end of the list..

so sometimes when ppl ask me how i'm doing... i just give them a half @ss answer... i'm doing fine...i'm doing alrite... work is work... =) stuff like that..

it's a challenge to develop more meaningful friendships with everyone you encounter... but it is my hope and prayer that ppl become more transparent with each other, myself included... i hope that people will truly be able to share God's love with each other... and truly express their care for one another in meaningful ways..

in how many of your friendships are you able to ask all the questions listed above? or even a majority of the ones near the bottom?

i understand that some ppl may feel quite uncomfortable in asking these questions... excuses pop up (ie. i'm not close enough w/ ppl to ask them such personal questions... i'm kinda shy... i dont' wanna feel like i'm barging in on ppl's personal space....) and while these are all quite valid reasons...i believe that at times, we are meant to break free from this rigidity and love ppl like Jesus did... i was at fellowship last weekend and one of the guys was saying that... we don't bring/lead people to Christ/God.... that is purely God's role... however, it IS within our role to bring Jesus to others..... hehe good thing God sent the Holy Spirit to dwell within each of us... cuz there is absolutely no way that our thoughts, words, and actions could reflect God's love with others without the presence of the Holy Spirit.

i've been learning a lot about the person of the Holy Spirit at church recently... it's been really cool ^_^ hehe... i think it's so true what my pastor said last week... the Holy Spirit is like the forgotten one... as Christians, we talk a lot about God and Jesus... but how often do we rejoice, thank, and praise the Holy Spirit? how many of us even know what the Holy Spirit's role is (on earth and in our lives) and can describe it in concrete words... it made me think a lot these past couple of weeks... i think i've been kinda grieving Holy Spirit by not acknowledging him enough...

2006-02-25T00:18:00.000-05:00

It's time to suck it up

i wonder... are the accusations true?

let me try to do some soul searching.... (this post will not make sense to people. it's okay. it's my personal reflection time)

do i really portray myself as a person who does not care about others? do i really enable others to perceive me as being selfish? do i really just only look out for myself and not for you guys? do i really get too involved w/ them and not involved enough with you guys?

sighz... what am i doing wrong to make it seem that way? when in fact, i face a daily battle to try to fight through it empowered only through the Holy Spirit. i try to fight the discouragement... i try to fight the pain... and at the end of the day, I'm getting to know God deeper in my broken state...

what would make you happy? i honestly don't know... i'm not searching for your approval... but in some sense, perhaps i am... i think i'm more searching for your support in the things i do... but instead, i get all these accusations... i know you dont' see the value in all these things... but i do...my life runs way deeper than you think... i would sacrifice so much do to these things... but in the end... i think i've sacrificed the identity you form of me.... it's something i dont' want to sacrifice... should i have to? can the two ever run parallel with each other?

haha... if you're sick of it, i'm sorry. it's not fair that you have to listen to it...

what's God trying to tell me? am i listening with open ears to what He has to say? is there something in my life that is blocking me from hearing His voice clearly?

----

despite how tough things can be, i give thanks to the Lord. You renew me day by day. It is Your face i always seek. May all glory, honour, and praise be unto Your name.

amen.

----

btw... listen to the song... it's got awesome lyrics... (mercyme: Homesick)... hehe.. it captivates some thoughts so well...

Mercyme - Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

2006-02-21T19:39:00.000-05:00

~ All with a Grain of Salt ~

i think over the years, i've come to appreciate my parents more for their lectures, advice, queeries into my life, and random talks =P hehe...and i think it's cool (and hilarious at times) that i can almost predict what they will say to me when certain scenarios arise... (btw..JT, i was SOOOO right!) haha... so when these funny conversations arise, i have to think seriously to keep myself from stifling in my own inward laughter... hehe but every now and then, their comments can surprise me :P haha...it keeps life interesting ~

they mean well... hehe... as overprotective parents always do... and even if it looks like i'm not paying any attention to them, i do pick up the main messges and take it all with a grain of salt... i think if i shared with them more about my life then maybe i'ld be able to apply more of some of the stuff they say =) haha... they've got this wierd conception of who i am and misguided reasons for the things i do... it's prolly entirely my fault for sticking to myself more i suppose... guess i'll have to live with the crazy, impulsive, stubborn, selfish, friendly, NAIVE image they have of me until i reveal more of myself to them...

good times good times...

in other news... i was helping andrea on her gr 8 french assignment... i basically told her what to write for all the answers...and she ended up with a 65% on it... whoops! LOL geez... gotta brush up on french =)

2006-02-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

Human Kindness =)

this morning as i drove into the Don Mills subway station parking... i was totally blown away at the kindness of 1 man.

i had checked the night before that i needed to pay $3 for the subway parking.. which was cool...i really thought i had enough change.and if not, that there would be parking attendants who would be able to exchange money for a 20 or smthg... but much to my dismay, i opened my wallet yesterday morning with my car put in park mode, and discovered i only had $1.75, which included 3 quarters... i looked at the coin machine and they only accept loonies and twoonies.. o_O

i start to freak... nothing's open at 7:45 in the morning where i can get change without being extremely late for work in downtown toronto... i glance frantically at my rear-view mirror to see if there are any cars following me... whew...none yet... and i search my car for any loose change...still nothing... oh crap...

this one 30-smthg year old azn guy drives next to me, i kinda stare at him... not on purpose..but i think i had this really stressed out look on my face... he started saying something to me so i rolled down my windows... and he asked if i needed change...i said yes... then he said that he would put his money in first and then park his car and come over to help me.... meanwhile..the cars are starting to pile behind me... i'm actually really surprised no one honked their horn at me... such patience.. =)

he walked over and asked how much i needed and he gave me 2 bucks... i thanked him over an over and he walked back to his car... wow... i know it prolly doesn't seem like a lot to most people...but to me, i was just so amazed at this one stranger's kindness... asking nothing in return.. just a simple act of kindness... i know many people prolly just wouldn't care and just proceed to park after paying their fare, espeically that early in the morning on their way to work...

this one stranger's simple action reminds me of how much God loves me. unconditional love.

the little things in life do matter... i'm pretty sure this 1 guy didn't know how much his 2 bucks meant to me.... i barely even remember what he looks like anymore... but yeah... he didn't even hesitate to help out. wattta dude haha... much respect to this stranger.

2006-02-14T20:48:00.000-05:00

time for another "real" post.. hehe i haven't written a real one in awhile... the last one doesn't count =P

it's wierd...i find the sudden urge to slow down in life and relax and blog...but i don't really have that much to say... i've been doing better these past 2 weeks... thanks for your prayers, emails, and msgs... not feeling as overwhelmed with stuff =P and slowly learning to let go and take each day at a time...

over the past weekend, i've had a lot of really good conversations with people catching up and seeing how they're doing =) staying up very late hours... haha... definitely later than i have been sleeping for the past while (10pm) but it's all well worth it.

i think the past weekend made me think a bit more... about things i haven't thought about for the past while being back in the toronto area working... haha...

- ccf stuff.. wow... dunno really even where to begin... i'm beginning to see that i'm very attached to it... not ccf as an organization, but more ccf, the people... God's people... it's always hard to come away and hear of so many people hurting and wandering in their faith, struggling a lot just to get by, or even getting burnt out... or just passionate and lost simultaneously about how to further God's kingdom in and through ccf.... i think i've come away with one thing in mind: PRAYER... all the visits and talks with brothers and sisters will do no good without prayer.... let's take the burdens off our own shoulders and lift them up to Him... pray in faith and trust that the Lord will deliver in His time according to His sovereign plan.

----

i think within the span of the past 3 months, i've been asked numerous times why i'm not as shy i claim i used to be... =P it's funny... people cannot see it at all... but i think if you really know me well enough, you might be able to see it appear every now and then... more often than you would think...

i still like to keep to myself at various times.. and times of solitude and just alone time are cherished =P

i can be completely happy and content in a group of people, not saying much... and there are situations in which i will choose to be quiet.

why is it that "shy people" seem to have negative connotations? i'm sure that many of us have at one point in time looked down upon the "shy people" probably without even realizing it... do we kinda brush the "shy people" off and pay less attention to them simply because we deem them "harder to get to know"? there are so many misconceptions of "shy people"....

somehow.... we appear to others as not being as strong... completely untrue.... shyness as a personality trait is not postively correlated with one's strength in character.

we appear to be unconfident.. while this may not be the case.... there could be many other reasons as to why we are shy... reasons that run much deeper than simply "lacking in confidence"... we could be brought up that way (not to raise our voice, share our opinoins with "elders") or we could have very deep painful pasts to which we don't want to share with others... pasts that have kinda built up walls around us as a sort of protection from the outside world.... i dunno there's a lot more reasons.... they may not be good reasons.... but they are still there...

shy people are "boring"... hahahaha SOOO not true! =) enough said... we're the coolest people ever =) hehe of course i'm a bit biased... just get to know us.

and it's actually not that hard to get to know us... as you open more of yourself then we will also open up more of ourselves to you... it goes both ways =) hehe i have no clue where this blog is going.... haha so i will stop it here.

2006-02-05T22:25:00.000-05:00

GO WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!

yeah... it mite look kinda wierd by the cover, but trust me it's very very very very good...and for all you movie-cryers out there...this one will definitely make you cry... (my sis and i didn't..but we're wierd)... it's actaully a pretty inspirational movie... dunno if i've said that about many secular movies... especially cantonese ones... but go watch it :D to me, this movie draws some parallels of the love between us and God... of sacrifice... of suffering... of love as described in 2 Corinthians 13...

2006-01-30T22:47:00.000-05:00

tough love.

who said it was easy? arg...i dun want this to be another complaining post... i just wanna fall rite into the arms of my Father... everybody's got their own stuff to deal with... and it amazes me how strong some of my fellow brothers and sisters are... the things they go thru... if i can be of any support or help to them, the Lord shows me how.... sometimes, it's just kinda hard to give of myself so much to others when most don't have a clue that i've got to deal with crap too... but that's my fault...i don't share very often... this sacrifice is nothing compared to the ultimate sacrifice of Christ's death on the cross... i mean.. dangggg... u wanna talk about sacrifice... that's it right there. God thank you.

what people do not see behind my smile.... is the need for healing in one particular area of my life... i was reading a sister in Christ's blog the other day and it really spoke out to me...she spoke of her need for healing... and it really touched me. i think today it really made me realize that i too have that need for healing...i will never be able to move on with my life if the smallest things can break me so much... i think it's been awhile since i last cried... seems heavy now...

i think i just need to sit, and let the tears fall..and start healing.... only in and through God.

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD. =)

----
edit post: 1 day later...
----

i know the past post may have gotten some of you worried... but don't be =) blogging is sometimes my way of telling God how i feel... altho some posts over the past couple of months may seem hopeless... they are NOT!!! i have full faith that the Lord knows the plans He has for me... i do not doubt them... but that doesn't mean that it won't hurt =) every now and then.... and sometimes more often in one period of your life than another...

He is my shield.... the spiritual warfare is always present in our lives... there is not a day when i dont' go through them... and i'm sure you as well =P.... persevere. pray for your friends and family.... most likely, they are going thru some battles that most people know nothing about... no matter how "strong" some people may appear... even if you dunno exactly what they're going thru, just pray for them that they'll be able to withstand the temptations and trials, that they'ld arm themselves up with the armour of God, and that they'ld never lose their focus off worshipping God in the midst of any trials.

let's continue to have the joy of the Lord in our hearts even when we're suffering deeply.

2006-01-25T20:00:00.000-05:00

it's been awhile :) i'm finally back to my old normal self! DRUM ROLL PLZ... --> i got my normal voice back, no more deep low manly voice... the coughing has subsided (minimal coughs here and there) ... and i'm back to my normal sleeping routine as well... thanks for all your prayers when i was so sick ^_^

for those of you who ask me how work is... lol... work is work... crazy, entertaining at times, good times w/ ping pong, some scary and intimidating ppl, challenging work, tight schedules with so much work to do, but... on the other hand...i acutally feel somewhat smarter than i did last term...not as lost as last coop work term :) hehe so that's a great thing! my $5800 tuition/term actually helps... good to know it's not completely goin to waste...

for those of you who ask me how winter retreat was? hmmm... words cant' really describe it. i'll just say God blessed us with His presence there that weekend... He spoke to our hearts and filled us with unity and community.... umm i don't really feel like saying much else... i think that if one single event centres around so much hype then it can really lose its focus... experiencing God is a daily gift... worshipping GOd is a lifetime.

-----

so i'm currently seeking God... it makes me think... often we are so worried about which actions to take in our respective paths of life that we focus solely on seeking God's will, and not much else... whatever happened to seeking God for who He is? i'm not saying that we shoudln't seek God's will for our lives...but that is not all we should be seeking... whatever happened to longing to deepen our understanding of our Father, of knowing more of who this God we worship truly is? on the other hand, are we seeking for God's blessings instead of seeking God first and foremost? are we seeking the "benefits" of serving such a powerful God instead of offering ourselves up to Him as living sacrifices? what does it mean to seek God's face? we sing it in songs, we pray it in prayers, we encourage others to do so.... i wonder what ppl mean when they say that.... i dunno if this even makes any sense... its kinda hard to put into words.. lol jumbled thoughts = jumbled words =)

=P tons of prayer requests... wrt personal, friends, family, fellowship, church, global.... if u read this, plz try to bug me about my prayer journal... it's been on and off for the past while... need to get back on track.... thanks for encouraging me johnny.. prayers are the best way bros and sises (spelling looks funky) can support each other... i'm really grateful to have so many buddies who pray for me even when i cannot be the most open about my pryaer requests...

-----

yesterday nite, i scoped my mom's Christian literature library... she loves to read those books... as i was looking thru them, she was urging me to read some she had recently read... and i was amazed at the passion God has given my mother... for prayer, to raise her children to be more godly, for supporting her friends... and over the past few weeks some ppl have tlaked to me at church about how they respect my mother... and how hospitable my parnets are... it's pretty cool... i haven't spoken to my parents friends in awhile... haha... i joke w/ tim and andrea about how "popular" our parents are... and in reality... i can see that God is using my parents to bless others... it's tres cool! :P

but nehoos..back to the books... i picked out 2 books to read over the next little while... 1) How to listen to God by Charles Stanley and 2) THe Practice of Godliness by Jerry Bridges... i havent' heard of either the books... but they seem to be interesting reads... i started the 2nd one yesterday... i'm hooked... it's so good... the first chapter's only like 6 pages...but it's sooo amazing... lots to think about... Bridge's definition of godliness is ---> devotion to God which results in a life that is pleasing to Him... this devotion is an attitude toward God composing of 3 elements (fear of God, love of God, and desire for God)... it's easy to read the book... but a lot to digest... in application... good thing the chapters are short =P i should try to read the book before i take my cough medicine... or else in 30 mins, i'll be out :)

-----

decisions: c? f? r?

2006-01-13T23:18:00.000-05:00

Who am I?

What is the first thing i lose upon returning home? patience.

well...i guess it's not completely lost, but it's so much harder to control. life consists of many training grounds for building up various fruits of the Spirit.... ^_^ being back is one of them.

i dun think i've ever been one to suddently blow up at somebody... and i don't yell at ppl... i think my patience isn't really towards angry outbursts but rather patience directed towards inward thoughts... altho it may seem kinda wierd at first -- patience towards one's inner thoughts -- but it's a reality for me.

what goes on in here (brain) may never be verbalized but it comes out in my thoughts all the same. i think over the past couple of years, the.... hmmm...trying to find the rite word for it now... bitterness? i dunno...i'll use that for now... the bitterness has definitely simmered down... and i dun think it's suppressed, but i've slowly been able to release my burdens to God and i'm in a continual learning state of surrending my entire life to Him.... well humans are never perfect and i still have a lot of faults, shortcomings, w/e...

it's kinda strange... in little less than a month... there's been a couple of instances at home where for about 5 minutes my bitterness intensity level can rise pretty high... but then, after some quiet time and solitude (well... it's not the same as living on your own in waterloo solitude...but it'll have to do for the timebeing =P ) i'm slapped across the face with perspective, with thoughts about what Christ endured for our sin, and also with tiredness. an interesting combo.. but... as my mind clears, let's focus on Him...

*awe-inspiring* -magnificent Counsellor- ~Prince of Peace~ ^^Judge and Ruler over all^^

----

missing my *casting crowns* music... o_O i've been without my 15 GB of music for almost a month.. haha... the stuff on my laptop is... insufficient =P ahhhh... never realized music was sucha big part of my life...

----

at work, it's been 3 boring days of training...exact same thing as last year =P haha..but last year i dint'know anything... but it's cool... i'm already booked M-Th next week and then after that for 2 and a half weeks straight doing a review engagement at a client's place... crazyness... haha...last coop work term, i barely left the office... haha... it's time to bring out those powersuits i hate wearing... well... at least i'll be making use of them... work is work =)

----

next weekend: uwccf winter retreat... will be interesting...lotza prayer... lotza prayer... and lotza good times as Chris would say =P haha

----

currently reading: "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado --> first book that i've read by lucado... here's something i read this past week:

"Even beasts of burden must be turned out to grass occasionally; the very sea pauses at ebb and flood; earth keeps the Sabbath of the wintery months; and man, even when exalted to God's ambassador, must rest or faint, must trim his lamp or let it burn low; must recruit his vigor or grow prematurely old.... In the long run we shall do more by sometimes doing less."

interesting quote.... can we honestly call ourselves ambassadors of Christ? dang... that's quite a big role to fill aint it? well it is... one we should carefully take to heart too... but it is fully made possible through our Lord and Saviour. take apart our fears, our stubbornness, our pride... and if we strip everything away, what really lies at the core of your being? take time to think about it... can you boldly state all that you believe in? there may not be a time when we all can do that...but if that's the case, are we seeking for more answers? turning to the Word? praying fervently?

haha... it's good to try to figure some of that out before everybody jumps on the bandwagon to serve... first know what your identity is in Christ.

2006-01-09T20:34:00.000-05:00

Time to Settle Down =P

so i've been in waterloo for a week and i jsut got back home yesterday nite... it was a really busy week, trying to catch up with everyone before i left for coop again =P

today, i woke up and decided to go and visit my high school... it's the second time i visited tdch since i graduated 3 years ago... the first time was after my 1B...so since then, it's been a good 2 years... 1/2 the teaching staff changed... and i was unable to see my 2 fav teachers... Mr. Groot, the guy who encouraged me to pursure a pure math degree and Mrs. Burke my piano teacher for 7 years.... that's ok =P i left them messages on the chalk/white board :D i got to talk with some of my old teachers... it was nice =P and as i was wandering through the halls... it was so wierd... i felt so old..the high schoolers look soooo young!! i went to the gym and saw a bit of a volleyball match between tdch and woodbridge college.. it brought back a lot of memories from when i was on the vball team in gr 9... so crazy...i suck now at all sports o_O

i went in to talk to Mr. Terpstra... the "religion" teacher at tdch.... haha.... he recognized me..but i dunno if he remembered my name lol...it's all good... he was telling me that the gr. 11s had just gone on a field trip to the Ontario Science Centre specifically to see the real human bodies there... right now they have an exhibit there with real naked anatomical bodies...of men, women, and children of all ages... even a pregnant woman... it was so disturbing just to listen to Mr. Terpstra talk about it... the "models" were cut up literally... cut up in different pieces so that the public can see the transparent body slices that was preserved... the models were put into different positions...some were made to look like they were skiing etc... so wierd... my teacher was telling me that some of the people who saw the exhibit fainted, went green, barfed... it was that different...and he himself said that he would need a couple of days to get over this expereince... but nonetheless, it was very educational for sure... i stopped taking sciences in gr 10 (well... + gr 11 physics) ... but this really caught my attention.... i want to see this exhibit...anybody wanna come with? it ends feb 26...

----

so back to last week....oh first off... THANK YOU sarah and jessica for letting me stay over :) ... i think being in waterloo for 8 months is kinda rubbing off on me... it's kinda hard to let go...it'll be even more crazy when i graduate in a couple of years and not come back for good... yeah... a week long of intense conversations with various people... many meals *yay* food and THANK YOU to all who cooked for me!!!!

i think it can be so easy to talk about the happenings of ccf... and all the issues that come with it... the talks are neverendless... the needs are always there... the servers are always lacking... changes are always taking place.... stress mounts for many people who are on the verge of being burnt out and it's so easy to get caught up in it all... but there's one reminder .... take away the logistics... take away the burdens... and let ccf be a place where you can come and worship God together with others... thanks for the reminder for the both of us alex.

i've got about a month to pray and seek God's will regarding whether to run for commitee or not... yeah.... it's really tough.... i don't want to for various reasons..... but what i'm learning is we have to be willing to obey God in whatever He calls us to do.... take away the boundaries we place on ourselves wrt what we think we can offer to Him... He will use us as He wills.... can i say that i am willing to do anything He calls me to do? prolly not... gotta find out what's the problem....

----

so work starts on wednesday... it's time to settle down... go to bed early and wake up early... the days of counting down to 5:30 when i can come home... the days of counting down to friday... and then April 30th... haha gotta get back into the work groove...

oh yeah...i slipped down some stairs yesterday! stupid slippery icy stairs... oh well.. hope the medicine kicks in =P i'm taking kid's motrin... instead of celebrex cuz i can't take pills.. i must learn the secret to taking pills soooooon! =P

on another note... it'd kinda hard having to adjust to living at home again... getting nagged everyday... for going out too much and for having a messy room...wow...brings me back to those high school and elementary days... haha the messiness part anywayz... i don't consider myself a very messy person.... but sometimes i let things slide when i get really busy...i'll always clean it up when i can't take it anymore =P but i can't do that living at home anymore... it's always got to be in tip top condition haha... my room gets checked for messiness at least 3x a day... crazy eh? haha.... and i'm getting used to the chinese phrases again... "more lazy than a snake" yup! that's me... these kinda phrases don't mean a thing to me anymore... dunno if that's good or bad... i've learned to have selective hearing.... haha....maybe it's the rebellious side coming out?

2006-01-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

1st day of 2006.... =)

sitting in church service this morning, so many thoughts entered my head... life is so intricately woven. i sat there thinking about all that my life encompassed rite now... (thoughts about evangelism, looking for a mentor, being home, dealing with home, spiritual maturity in others and in myself, ccf, visions, committee, being older, various prayer requests, making decisions based on God's callings, living a life of worship).... yeah... each one of those things aforementioned i could write tonz about... but i won't =P haha don't think i'ld ever finish it....

despite thinking about all these things, sometimes i forget a lot of important things in my life...
- i forget that God has blessed me with the Holy Spirit living inside of me.
- i forget to thank God for the bountiful blessings He has bestowed upon me
- i forget that He places each person in my life for a purpose.
- i forget to seek God in each and every decision i make...big or small...
- i forget to ask for forgiveness and repent for all my sins
- i forget that God works in mysterious ways, ways in which we cannot comprehend... and sometimes, there's no use in trying...but believe and have faith in our Lord and Saviour
- i forget that so many people my life and on this earth have yet to come to realize the glory of our Lord.
- i forget that i am not my own, but i am Yours.
- i forget that there is a lot of suffering aside from my own life.... that we are all groaning in this present creation in expectation of the coming of our Lord.
- i forget the lawlessness of our society
- i forget that i am called to a life of holiness, set apart by God to be sanctified and justified
- i forget that love covers a multitude of wrongs
- i forget that He is the potter and i am the clay... He will mold me and use me as He wills.
* and there's just so much more that i forget....

why are we all so plagued by our forgetfulness... ignorance... selfishness? these are some of the things i forget...and i'm sure you have yours too...

why am i not more mindful? maybe this is an ideal... something which we cannot reach... but should that stop us from trying? besides, who places these ideals in our lives? are we not trying to follow the author and perfector of our faith?

----

i've never ever in my life had new year's resolutions or plans....but i guess i do have one this year...

1. Be Baptized in 2006... most likely in my next term in loo -- thanks to the various people who have encouraged me since high school to be obedient to God's call to baptism despite the circumstances i was in these past couple of years. ^_^ for those of u who know me now, keep me to it!

---- edit @ 1:27 a.m.

i can't stand bad tempers --> unfair treatment, unnecessary outbursts, blatant overreactions. argh.... o_O it really bugs the heck outta me.

again. love covers a multitude of all wrongs... must remember.......

2005-12-28T14:00:00.000-05:00

Meaningful Things:

1. Christmas
well this year, Christmas happened to fall on a Sunday and because many churches believed that Christmas was a family day they did not hold services on Christmas day. i was also looking at a blog that an American pastor posted and all the comments to it as well... it got me thinking... people with so many different viewpoints on it... i don't want to be another person that gets sucked into the post-modernism of the world and let my values slide... it's awesome to celebrate the birth of our Saviour.... the one who gave us life.

2. Time with Family
since i got home, i've been so busy chilling with all sort of friends... felt kinda bad for not being home very often...but then i'm gonna be here for 4 months...or at least, that's what i tell myself =P 25-27th was pure family days :D and it was awesome...so many laughs.... so many jokes... so much YUMMIE meaty foooooooood, so many good times... such valuable time spent together. i'm very thankful indeed for my family... hehe living back at home is definitely very very different than living in loo... it's a nice and welcome change.

3. Time with Friends
hehe... the birthday bash was awesome! thanks to all of those who came out =P it's really amazing to catch up with old friends again... hehe there are some where you know you'll never lose touch :) as time passes, God continually shows me how He has molded your lives more and more...

-----

haha....i think i am stuck home today? i was in my car with the engine on, with my sister beside me about to go watch Narnia..and then.... my mom opens the garage door, and yells frantically at us... we can't hear a word she's saying... so we roll down our windows and she's saying something about freezing rain, dangerous, car accident, over and over again... then she closes the door. my sister and i look at each other... thinking... if we had left 30 seconds earlier, we could have gone lol... but yeah... i decided to stay home and be safe and obedient...

-----

quote of the holidays: "Dad, where is your luggage?" -- Andrea, wondering why my dad didn't bring his briefcase to work one day. For 15 minutes, my dad tries to figure out what she's saying while my sister explains "luggage"... he insists that he's not goin on a vacation by himself and has no need for luggage... while my dad explains the story to me and my bro, he can barely talk b/c he's laughing so hard. HAHAHAHA... oh the joys of being home.

2005-12-15T14:17:00.000-05:00

LALALALA....

hehe..i've been bloggin so often this exam period... guess i just need to get some things out of my head and be willing to share more with others =P

i was doing my devos today... and i think one of the biggest lessons i learnt this term is spoken clearly through this passage from Our Journey (online devotional) :

"Growing deep in our Christian life includes this process of coming to know and believe in God’s love. Our maturity is also linked to our embracing the truth that God loves us—passionately, eternally, and individually."

Isaiah 43:1-3, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.”

1 John 4: 18, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
1 Peter 4:8, "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."

---

it's been a crazie term :D hehe, especially these past 2 weeks... what is it that keeps me going? those 3 simple words: I LOVE YOU -- 1. between me and God first and foremost, 2. between me and my family, 3. between me and my friends, and even 4. between me and the world.

it's been a slow process....A) to learn how perfect love casts out fear... and B) to learn how love can cover all wrongs... very hard lessons to learn... what do u think those 2 things mean? i'm interested to see what u guyz think...

---

i was talking with a friend a couple of days ago...and it struck me all of a sudden... how God chooses to shape and mold us through the trials he allows into our lives. they keep increasing in measure by "severity" ... that's not really the word i'm thinking of...but it'll do for now while i have this mind blip...

i thought about life since i entered university... i can pinpoint every major obstacle that was put into my life... from 1B to summer after 1B to 2A to workterm after 2A to 3A.... God chose these specific obstacles there very purposefully.... haha..it means that God's broken me down soo many times over and over again =P hehe..soo good!

in my own life, God decides to grow me through the things and situations that i least expect at the time... ever since i entered uw, i have been spiritually fed at ccf, cfc, kwcac, through friends, etc... but God didn't choose to prune me in those circumstances....for me, it was those other areas in my life where crap happens... it's interesting..and i dun exactly know why...

so since first year, each trial has gotten closer and closer to my heart... lol...

1B --> (guy issues...DUN laugh =P haha... only i can do that j/k)... and while it seemed important at the time, it really really wasn't... yeah... i was so stupid in first year. lol..not worth mentioning... just ask betty or lorna how dumb i was =P

Summer after 1B -- eeek... not good memories... this time God starts to hit even closer to home... literally =P hehe... looking back at my blog entries back then... the hugest trial centered around my relationship with my sister...and her relationship with the rest of the family and ultimately God... it was REALLY rough times... that was the first time in my life that I ever literally cried out to God... and also the first time that I realized the power of prayer.... God definitely broke me down that summer...

2A --> stress... w/ school... (to this day, 2A was my lowest academic term... ewww), w/ co-op... with serving at ccf, with my heart being heavy for certain folks that GOd put into my life... etc. etc... =P but yeah... that was the term God broke me down internally... and forced me to put my faith in Him and truly rely on God for all things... so now that God's broken down my interior... time for work-term...

work-term - 2B - 3A --> yeah..what a long one eh =P time to break the exterior again... and again... God prunes what is closest to my heart (other than God lol) .... family. it started rite during the last 2 weeks of my work-term (tax season) and then i was off to loo for skool again..and while i was in loo during the summer... God kinda didn't bring it to my mind too often... i guess He wanted me to focus on other things? (school mates, ccf stuff) ... the break in between summer and fall term was fine...and then comes 3A... all fine and dandy...until the past month and a bit...where God just repeatedly brought this issue to my attention over and over again... and each time, a part of me ached... and i think God's been trying to teach me the lesson of love... but i've just been too hurt to be in that mindset to learn... well..hurt no more... cuz i'm ready... ready to learn and grow and whatever else God has in store...

but u see how since 1B the issues got bigger and bigger.... altho at the time, each trial seemed pretty encompassing... it's like the more you grow... the more you learn.... then next up, God has an even bigger lesson to teach you... something that will break you down on a completely different level... (break down...not as in .. "cries, boo hoo my life sux" kinda break down... but more like finding who you are in God's eyes over and over again, and each time, He brings new aspects to light) ... and thus, your faith and confidence in the Lord also grows stronger.

and if u think about it... it can get kinda scarie... u think that whatever your'e going thru is bad... the worse is yet to come =P hehe...and it's kinda true tho ^_^... BUT realize that He never gives you trials more than you can bear... and if u really think about it... Matthew 11: 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

wahh...that's SO COOL!!!!

my my, what a long blog yet again... on another note: i'm TURNING 20 SOON~~~~ in 1 week exactly... ahhh...gonna turn into an old fart really soon (no offense to those who are already 20+)

2005-12-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

u know what? i'm completely sick of this. oh screw it. i swear tonite will be the last nite tears of hurt will be shed.

i am ready to take this on. God is with us. Proverbs 62:5

thank God for allowing me to stumble accross this Bible Study online (from In Touch Ministries -- Charles Stanley) -- http://www.intouch.org/myintouch/exploring/studies/PFSG_92264.html

first off...i acknowledge that i had a divided heart.
Matthew 12:25 -- Jesus said, "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand"
"The most potent means of destroying any organization, institution, or entity is internal strife or internal conflict. An undivided, unified family, church, or other institution of society can withstand virtually any external onslaught. But an internal conflict brings about distrust, division, and disintegration."
- internal conflict is so DEADLY... oh yeah... let's see if this applies: distrust yes. division yes. disintegration maybe
- God i'm sorry for having this divided heart. forgive me.

"It is out of genuine love for our families that we each are called to come to the position of saying: "I choose to love my family, and I will not allow us to be divided. We will come to know God and to base our lives upon His Word. We will become one in the Spirit." "
- Father, i want this so much -- being one in the Spirit.

It is out of love that we are to combat the forces of evil that come our way, in effect declaring to the spirit realm, "I love my family to the point that I will lay down my very life if necessary to see Satan defeated in their lives."
- oh dear... every time i read this sentence over again, the tears fall. but u know what? i'm willing to do it... i absolutely REFUSE to sit on my ass and complain. may God stir up a unquelching fire in me to pray unceasingly and IN FAITH that God is going to do some AWESOME stuff. Pray that I may be sensitive to His Spririt so i know what God wants me to do these next couple of months...

Any time we are confronted with a situation that seems to have the potential to "tear us apart," we must turn to God and say, "Let me experience more of Your love." It is love that ultimately heals division and brings about harmony in Christ.

hehe... now give me some of that God-love :P --> 1 Corinthians 13.

there will be no more tearing apart of Vanessa Li anymore.

^_^ as i remember my last post... i am smiling =P there is love.... and there's gonna be a whole lot more to come.

2005-12-10T17:39:00.000-05:00

Here's the conversation between me and andrea this morning!! hehe...*yay* for sisters....

we're talking about family Christmas presents...and out of no where, she says
A: I CANT WAIT TILL CHRISTMAS AND FOR U GUYS TOO COME!!! (she typed it all in caps locks too! :P )
A: ^^
me: awwwwwwwwwwwwww.... i feel missed hehe!
A: HEHE
me: lol we will be home soon
me: and we will be home for 4 months :P
A: :D:D::D!
A: YAY!!!
then she returns to talking about a digi camera she wants to get...
lol..meanwhile...i change my msn name to --> *VaNeSsA* -- out, call cell -- [awww...andrea misses me!! HAHA]
then later on i say i gotta go cuz i'm meeting to go to Fairview with Betty this afternoon...
A: bibi luv ya lots!
me: AWWWWW
me: love you too dear
A: ><"" A: bibi
then Andrea changes her msn name to --> .andrea/- i52uSZE ><""- now i have like no chance!!! :(-HAHA VANESSA! I LUV U..MUAH! end conversation awwwwww.... hehe... me: ^_^ with the hugest smile on my face and so thankful for a lil sis like her... haha..she proceeds to call me twice while i'm driving on the way to Fairview... oh dear... :)lol...i feel like a giddy little kid... haha... perhaps i am at heart... these simple yet amazing things are the things that make me happie.... i dun need anything extravagant... just those 3 simple words... i love you - from my lil sis... hehe..miss her tonz.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!! forget all the crap.... i'm ready to go home... whatever comes... i think i'm finally ready to face it... BRING IT ON.

2005-12-07T02:59:00.000-05:00

WHO AM I -- by Casting Crows

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear'
Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

----
i forget that so often... i am God's beloved... wow... so simple, yet so powerful....

----
so much to think about... i swear the spiritual warfare is raging in me now... i can feel it... so powerful... both sides... yet i know God will OVERCOME completely... it's so hard... how is it in one 24 hr time period... i can feel ecstatic at what God is doing in those around me, challenged with the wise words of my brothers and sisters in Christ, passionate at the callings God has placed on my heart, deeply long for true fellowship to spread like wildfire at CCF, really happy that God is breaking down and remolding old friends to be more Christ-like, humbled at my faults and weaknesses, in awe of God and his utter majesty, --- and here comes... also the really DEEP pain that continually breaks my heart, the tears that don't fall...but they are heavy-laden... a bit overwhelmed, and some confusion as to what God is telling me....

Father I lift it to Your hands. Do with me as you will. I am yours for the taking.

----
may we all live purposeful lives... lives that focus on things that are eternal.

2005-12-05T12:33:00.000-05:00

End of the Term Blog!!

I think since first year, i've had a ridiculously long blog about the whole term.... so here i am again... it's been an interesting term...

"We can partner with our pain and go on serving, praying, loving, caring to the end of our days. We can know strength of character despite our frail humanity; we can show patient endurance and love for others in the midst of our discomfort. Despite our momentary troubles, we can press on, for we have glimpsed the glory that far outweighs them all." —David Roper

i think this quote embodies what this term has been like for me... it was constantly a struggle to be renewed by God day by day... to fall at His feet... and yet continue to do what God called me to do... i think one of my greatest weaknesses is pride...

many times i just go about life and do things without paying attention to God's still voice. my life simply becomes too busy... and altho i aim to make it as others-focused as i can, it becomes self-centered... sometimes i just think to myself... "holy crap..what a prideful person i've become..." and those are the times that God's knudging my heart...

"showing patient endurance and love for others in the midst of our discomfort"... God has really taught me a lot this term and patient endurance and love... it's sooooo hard... and i know in many relationships in my life now i still lack it... many times, i can put my own pain before others... and how horrible is that?!?! and the thing is... i don't often share with a lot of people the kind of pain i face... sometimes it's really personal... and i think it's something between me and God and my family.... other times... i dunno... i'ld rather just not share and have people pray for me in general instead... God's been continually opening up my heart... showing me how to be more vulnerable with others... it's a slow process..but may God continue to break me.

it's also hard because.... sometimes i know God wants to grow and prune me by stretching me to the farthest limits... i think this term, God has opened my eyes to be able to see the needs of those around me... and with the many people God has so purposefully placed in my life now, God shares with me some of the burdens His children face... and at the same time.... God brings to light the crap in my own life that I need to fully submit to Him... so...at times this term, i've felt kinda overwhelmed... and now i realize that God wants us to be humble servants... what's humility?

(from CFC service yesterday)
"Humility is knowing, celebrating, and living out GOd's view of me."
WHEN I HAVE GODLY HUMILITY IN MY LIFE...

1. I celebrate who i am and where i am
2. i know a freedom from the slavery of seeking approval.
3. i welcome insights into where i need to grow.
4. i see and live a life as a gift.
5. i have a strong faith in God.
6. i see God at work all around me.
7. I am most like God when I am humble.

wow...just think about that last one.... totally blows my mind... dangggg!

so now the term's almost done...wtih 1 midterm to go (tonite) and 3 finals... pretty well spaced apart *yay* .... and well...then it's time to go HOME!!!!!!!! YEAH :D

haha... yeah that YEAH!! brings mixed feelings with it as well... and well..my blog over the last 4 months might have dropped some hints that things are not all fine and dandy at home.... and for those of u closer to me, I do thank you for your prayers and being patient with me even tho i am still unwilling to share exactly what goes on there... i was on the phone with my mom a couple of weeks ago... and well... 3 things came out of that conversation

1) my mom is completely paranoid about my sister and her boy craziness... poor mom...
2) my mom told me to "FIND A MATE" ahhh...yeah... my first "talk" with my mom about that kinda stuff and she goes and tells me to find a mate o_O oh dear.... she's scarie.
3) my mom told me that our family is under spiritual attack.

i shared a lot of laughs with my mom about 1) and 2)...but 3)...that hit me harder... and this is the pain that i've endured over this term... the pain that i can't exactly seem to let go of... many times i've tried... and this is what i deal with while trying to share God's love to those around me here in loo... it's hard... it is ONLY God who carries me through each day... my prayer is that God's name will be lifted high and that He will be glorifed forever.

2005-11-30T19:02:00.000-05:00

Religion = Therapeutic Individualism? --> Religious Anarchy

sounds familiar? or totally not... that's kinda where we're headed.... it's a very bad bad place...

"The saccharine sentiments of Max Ehrmann's 1927 poem "Desiderata" -- "Be gentle with yourself...be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be" -- may calm the hearts of millions, but they are like chum on the water to critics of therapeutic individualism."

how many times do we fall into this trap? God is whatever we want Him to be.... Christianity is whatever we perceive it to be... Where have all our principles and standards gone? why do we form some messed up kind of theology based on our "experience" of God? why are we so apathetic --> we no longer want to grow deeper in our knowledge and understanding of Him through theology (and thus we name it "boring").... why do we knowingly accept truths that are so watered down without even critically analyzing and reflecting?

and what's worse yet...is that the Christian-church is also feeding us this watered-down theology.

so what are you gonna do about it? what can we do about it? ---- think....and leave your comments below.

----

sorry to kinda switch gears now.... but i have been tagged... o_O i never like doing these things...but it's been on JT's blog for awhile now...and so i must follow... i am supposed to make an entry on five random things about myself and then tag someone else with a blog...

1. i don't like chocolate. (except for white chocolate, but i even can't take too much of that)... yeah...chocolate does not taste good. It has this nasty bitter aftertaste that i really don't like... and the darker the chocolate, the worse it is... it's wierd...i don't mind a couple chocolate bars tho...do not ask me why... my food cravings just work that way... so...Kit Kats, Skor bar, and reese's pieces are alrite...but if there were other snacks available, i would definitely eat that.. (ie. chips)

2. I don't like it when people crack their knuckles. yeah.. ever since high school..i dunno why. i think it's gross and nasty. enough said. and it can't be healthy for your bones.

3. Apparently, i get "wierd" after 9:30 p.m. -- yeah... again, i do not know the reason why... in first year, betty says it used to be 10 or 11...and now that i'm in 3rd year, it has bumped down to 9:30....i think my brain gets a little more incoherent after 9:30... and i start to say things that...make sense in my brain...but don't in other people's eyes... ahhhh...and i don't "get" things as often after 9:30.... it's a wierd phenomenon... i can't control it.

4. Despite what you might think, i do actually enjoy sports. just not hockey... =P i like playing basketball, volleyball, and PING PONG!! (yes, ping pong IS a sport... i saw it on CBC Sports channel b4).... yeah... i still play ping pong here and there..but volleyball and basketball... well... not so much anymore since 1st year university... since then...i think my physical fitness has decreased sooo much >_< now i try to make myself feel better by telling myself that i walk really fast to and from class..so that is some good exercise =P (everyday too :D)

5. my cell phone dislikes me. it is mean. every once in a while, the cell phone screen turns blank..and therefore, i can't see who is calling me anymore and i can't call people using the phonebook on the phone... also.. it's just annoying cuz then i dunno when people are calling me long d anymore... thus, i am forced to pay long d when my cell phone decides to have a spaz attack on me... o_O

so..apparently i gotta tag 5 other people now: Alex Chen, Sarah Joy Wong, Enoch Wong, Johnny Au, and Esther Liu

2005-11-24T17:44:00.000-05:00

thankful for: life.

do not take it for granted... i've been thinking recently... i guess rite now, i just feel so taken care of by God... dunno really how else to put it...

me @ age 2: diagnosed with kawasaki disease (http://www.kdfoundation.org/)
* cause: to this day, there is still no evidence for any known causes of kawasaki; hence, it can't be prevented
* details: primarily affects young children (prevalent in azn children)
- inflammation of blood vessels throughout the body
- cause abnormal changes in the coronary arteries and other areas of the heart
- most serious health threat = aneurysm (ballooning of blood vessel wall) --> diagnosis and treatment is KEY
- leading cause of acquired heart disease in children
- to be quite honest...i dun really know what all that means....all i remember area a couple of flashbacks i can remember from the Sick Kids Hospital... not pretty... i remember stories of how weak i was when i got back from the hospital... couldn't even climb 1 stair.

i seldom think about kawasaki..and it wasn't even until 2nd year of university that i actually bothered to learn even what this disease entailed... but i do remember randomly thinking a couple times through high school and perhaps even towards the end of elementary school why i was allowed to live. i really could have died back when i was two... and thus prolly started my searching for the purpose/meaning of life.

me in Gr. 12: contracted pneumonia
* aka "fai yeem"...
* details: inflammation of the lung caused by infection with bacteria, viruses, and other organisms.
- usually triggered when a patient's defense system is weakened, most often by a simple viral upper respiratory tract infection or a case of influenza

i began to think more about life after i got pneumonia...it was during the Christmas break >_< booo...wasnt' able to go out wtih family and frenz and even managed to skip gr 12 final exams for term 1..or not skip, but they got moved to a later date... and i think it took like a full half year to get fully recovered...

every time i hear of someone with lung cancer or some other disease/problem with the lungs, my heart always goes out to them..it is the worst feeling in the world to have trouble breathing...to know that you are having trouble breathing... to try to suck in air, but feeling so weak... yeah... after pneumonia...i've developed asthma (GRR)...

and it was only after i had fully recovered that my parents somehow ended up telling me that i could have died yet again...the whole time i had pneumonia, it hought it wasn't a real serious case, or even life-threatening... good thing they didn't tell me back then... but i just remember thining after finishing high school, why did God spare me for the second time?

me in 3rd year university: well... my life was spared once this term...i'ld rather not get into the details..but yeah.... so here i am sitting in my room pondering again... yet this time, something's different... i feel so loved, so very well taken care of... i'm full of gratitude rather than incessant questioning... there are things in this life that i will never understand and it's not for me to understand... i really feel like God has given me this life and I should live it to the full. Live in a way that glorifies Him... live a life of service and gratitude... live life purposefully. my life is worth nothing if God's not in it... simply put --> life live to worship my Father

2005-11-21T16:34:00.000-05:00

blog topic: Give Thanks

as some of you know, this past week and a half have been pretty crazie :D hehe..... loads of academic stuff piling rite before finals hit.... i haven't been talking with a lot of people this past week... =P so..here's my list of thankful items:

1. thankful for family -- my mommy packed soooo much yummy food and goodies and candy for me and tim.... one of tim's friends brought it up on saturday and it just really made my day ^_^ well..partly cuz i won't need to cook in awhile HEHE... and also... b/c my mommy was so sweet and wrote me an encouragement card... *awwww* hehe..she's so COOL :D totally made my day... it's such a blessing to know that you constantly have people praying for you...

2. thankful for accountability group -- ^_^ thanks for your genuine care and prayers this term... i thank you for your vulnerability... corporate prayer is so POWERFUL...
"a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised..." and so I praise God for your dedication in becoming humble women of God.

3. thankful for frosh cell -- yeah~~~~ what can i say? but PRAISE THE LORD~!!!! hehe..each friendship in frosh cell is such a blessing!! hehe... it's amazing to see frosh with so much passion and yearning to know GOd deeper... and to seek Him..and not only that, but frosh who take the initiative and are obedient to God's calling to them... may the Lord bless each of you always :D and also... special thanks to the 3 other very dedicated frosh co-leaders...

4. thankful for people -- yup...what a broad category..but if i really did go and thank each and every one of you cool people...my blog would be soooooo long... :D hehe..so sorry to lump all of you together... but thank you for your influence in my life... thankyou for your prayers and your hospitality...thankyou for your FOOD (hehe).... thankyou for your hard work in group projects.... thankyou for asking how i'm doing and for keeping up with me... thankyou for challenging me to be more godly.... thankyou for encouraging me.... thankyou for meeting up wtih me... thankyou for your friendship....thankyou for being yourselves....thankyou for sharing your lives with me...

5. thankful for trials -- wierd one eh? but not really... i thank the Lord for trials... it is in these times when I get to know my Father in Heaven so much deeper... He is my source of strength, hope, and love. He is the reason that i live. thankyou for continually revealing Yourself to me in many new and different ways..thankyou for pruning me... thankyou for giving me opportunities to grow... thankyou for slapping me silly (not literally) when i stray and do not worship you... thankyou for healing my wounds.... thankyou for renewing me daily... thankyou for the gift of salvation...

6. thankful for school -- yes school.. altho school makes me so physically weak at times.... thanks...i guess it builds perseverance and strength... and also..well...i guess i learn more about accounting too~! oh whoopi... (note the sarcasim here =P ) but yeah...thankyou for the gift of knowledge.

7. thankful for the Sabbath (Nov. 20, 2005) -- yeah..after 5 days straight of like 8+ hrs of projects, essays, and cases.... i promised GOd that I would not do anything academic yesterday...it was actually the first time that i've actually "taken a Sabbath"... it was so spirtually renewing.... some one on one time with just me and God... SOOOOO GOOOD!!! prayer, devos, reading Bible and books.... and God blessed me with His presence... i'm thankful that God allows me time to meditate and reflect with Him and just BE with Him... :D :D...

8. thankful for waterloo: my home away from home -- yeah... having a really nice and cozy place to live... a place i can call home... hehe..a REALLY comfy bed :P and warm too =P and... well..that includes all you waterloo ppl :P

** this list does not nearly reflect everything that i'm thankful for... there is so much in my life that i'm grateful for... what are YOU thankful for??

2005-11-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

"mommy, if i get a boyfriend, will you get mad at me?"
"no... i will just get concerned"

HAHAHHAHAHHA....so jokes!!!!!! ^_^ nice one andrea...

haha...while giving advice to my little sister about guys.... she says:
"but the guys at your university are a lot different than the guys in my school" (my school = ELEMENTARY skool) lol...meaning that stuff i say cannot relate to her silly gr 8 "adventures"

----

on a more serious note... the 2 hr phone call with my lil sis was great...i actually really miss her now and that was the first time we ever talked for that long on the phone together. God is so good... I can see that He is definitely working in her... she's becoming more mature... well... minus the whole guys part... she seems to be somewhat diggin deeper into her faith and also the different family relationships... it's encouraging...

i was reminded again of the past...well when i was working last winter.... the same issue is there... i've kinda forgotten it while being here in waterloo 2 terms straight... and while i have truly forgiven... i can still be reduced to tears... they didn't fall tonite... but the thought of how much hurt it can cause another so close to me.... it's tough.... it's ok.... the Lord is in control. I will take part of Christ's sufferings...

spiritual battles --> conviction, commitment, courage.... i wonder how *********** goes through it... i wonder whether the thoughts of my last post have ever gone thru his mind.... who is there to support him? is he repenting? is he hiding? is he lying to himself? have i been wrong about him all these years? *trust* ... i dun wanna think about it... just wanna pray about it... my heart is heavy once again... (incoherent thoughts abound)

---- edit post ----

so i wrote that post late last nite... today (sat afternoon), i'm sitting in my room and i really can't concentrate on that psych essay that i've gotta finish this weekend... and have yet to start...

excuse me for being really cryptic now...but i need to cry out to God...
again, that deep dark hidden issue arises... and i am at a loss... the littlest things that are related can seemingly rip me apart... things at school, church, fellowship, the mall, anywhere... and it only really hit me yesterday nite again... what is God trying to tell me?? *seeking the Lord*

1 Corinthians 13:6-7
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

how easy is it to say that we love someone?

- not delighting in evil --> the evil is there.... it hurts... badly
- rejoicing with the truth --> Even in the midst of such a broken and depraved world... God's truth stands firm through eternity... never will i forget His truth... never will i cease to worship My Lord...
- PROTECTS, TRUSTS, HOPES, PERSEVERES.

Serenity Prayer: i might have put this in my blog before..i forget...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as a pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things
right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

2005-11-07T12:35:00.000-05:00

Spiritual Battles

something made me think very hard yesterday nite while talking to various people on msn...

quote from PT --> "All great leaders have great self-doubt...it is all a matter of how you deal with it."

the more i think about it..the more i see the validity of his statement... on the outside, people may seem very in tune with God and able to encourage others...but on the inside, they themselves are going through issues themselves..... perhaps issues of self-confidence and confidence in our Lord...

why can leaders so easily hide their own struggles while faithfully serving the Lord? and in these moments, when it's just you and God, we can feel hopeless and lost?

i think it's part of that "must be a good role model" to everyone else (aka PrIdE)..... sometimes leaders are not vulnerable with others for fear of showing other people they they are lost.... they start to think that the people who look up to them will now lose a bit of respect for them... on the other hand, i believe that God will continue to break each one of us down, no matter what our role is... and we've got to be able to be brutally honest with ourselves and those around us...

another reason to self-doubt from leaders could be that leaders themselves do not have as strong as a support network around them... maybe they are so used to being on the giving end rather than the receiving end that it becomes wierd for them to ask for help from others... and many times, there could be many brothers and sisters around the person, but you shy away from turning to them because either a) they already have to deal with a lot of stuff personally... and knowing what they're presently going through, you don't think they can be much help anyways.... or b) they are too busy with their other ministries and ministering to other people... u dun really wanna bother them with your issues... or c) there may be other people out there you could possibly talk to...but... you don't know them well enough yet to be able to share about such deep personal stuff...

it is so easy to fall into these sort of traps... i know i have fallen into every one of them before...

so what do you do when you are battling out there?
Live a life of simplicity --> strong conviction, solid commitment, and steady courage

each of these three C words emcompasses so much... gotta figure out what it means in your own personal life....

-----

so...what am i dealing with now?

i think the main thing rite now is.... tiredness.... mental + physical... well..more mental than anything -- staying up really late, talking to people, i guess... God's put a lot of people on my heart...

i'm not too worried though.... it is purely only GOd who keeps me goin everyday... i'm fighting the daily spiritual battles while clinging onto God's truth.... the battle is tough... but God already has the ultimate victory.

-----

i was just on the phone with my mom.. =P miss home!!!! ^_^ thanks for reminding me, encouraging me, and most of all praying for me... means a lot ... hehe.. luv ya!